#24

Confession #24- I am a neat freak. Not a clean freak, a neat freak. I believe there is a distinction.

I like my house to be clean, but it doesn't consume me. However, what does consume me, what I think about all day long, and sometimes stay up at night pondering is the idea of everything having a place, and being in it's place when it needs to be. My mother-in-law and I often joke about starting a professional organization business when she retires. I would LOVE that, but I wonder if I'd be patient enough with other people while I try to help them organize their lives. I LOVE Peter Walsh, and will watch any show he is on. If you don't know who that is, nevermind. :)
In a more practical way, that means that every closet, in every bedroom of our house, has a closet organizer (that is more than a bar and a shelf) in it. Within said closet, everything is folded in a way in which to make the viewing of clothing pleasant, and the storage of said clothing a more efficient use of space. Hanging items are color coordinated and hung accordingly. When we moved into this house, I wouldn't let anyone put anything in our "storage" room until I had first purchased and installed the approriate shelving, and then items were brought in in a specific manner and labeled well.

I make lists like they are my job, and my calendar is both functional and beautiful as I often draw pictures along with the words to signify exciting events. :) I like order, simplicity, and beauty, even in the mundane. I'm not a decorator, but I like life to be as "uncluttered" as possible.

Right now life is chaos at our home, or at least it feels like it to me. The basement is torn apart and is in various stages of rebuilding. Everything that once was in the playroom, is now in my completely non-functional storage room or upstairs. Ezra and Ki have a kids table and matching chairs in the their already cramped bedroom, there are baby clothes Brooklynn has outgrown in the living room, and there is a chop saw and piles of sawdust in the center of my laundry room. Nevermind the dilemna of having 7 people in your house and a less than well functioning laundry room, I feel overwhelmed. I know that is my little ADD brain trying to process all the added stimuli, but nevertheless, I am overwhelmed.

So tonight, I ordered pizza. It's not "pizza night" (that's Friday's here) and it probably wasn't in the budget, but I ordered pizza. When we were done clearing the table and running the dishwasher I suddenly felt like it was all managable again. I cleaned where I could, put things away that still had places to go, and rearranged the rest to make it feel a little less insane around here. I guess I'm not sure what my confession is... either that I am completely nuerotic, or that pizza fixes everything... :) I'm hoping to have it all put back together in a few weeks, and I know I can handle just about anything for a few weeks. ha ha ha!

#23

Today's confession? I'm struggling. We found out yesterday that the judge has decided the kids will stay with us for 45 more days, and then will return to their mom and have a Families First worker assigned to them. It's all really bittersweet. Since Cody quit his job with COOR ISD, and the church will not be able to pay us enough to pay our bills, it is a relief to know there will be 3 fewer people to care for. As far as time management, laundry, cleaning, disciplining, ease of travel, etc. everything becomes exponentially easier. I am thankful, that the judge thinks their mom is making progress. I worry about whether or not they will be cared for they way I care for them, but I also know how happy the kids will be to be back with their mom. I have no idea how Brooklynn will adjust because she's so young and I can't explain it to her. The struggle is in the conflict of all those emotions... fear, relief, worry, anticipation, etc. but also...
Ya know when you give 2 weeks notice on a job? It doesn't matter how much you loved or hated that job, the last two weeks are miserable. Why? Because it's hard to walk back into something you know is ending and give it your best. You know someone else is about to come in and do your job in their way, and suddenly you think, "why bother?" So, this morning I woke up to a sweet yet screaming baby who was woken up by brothers jumping off their bunk beds squealing at 6:30am and who had smeared poop into the carpet in their bedroom and all over the bedding. And I thought... "remind me why again Lord?" It doesn't help that Ki has strep and I've been sick for the last 5 days. I just want to lay on the couch snuggling him all day. Add in a basement under construction (thereby doing away with our playroom and forcing children to be on top of me all day long) and I'm already a grouch. So... if you are one of the 2 people who read this, please pray for us as we navigate this next month and a half. I desire to be the best I can be for these little ones, and I want to leave them with a strong sense of who God is and how much He loves them... and my current attitude is probably not going to lead to those outcomes. Thanks. :)

#22

I did NOT watch the Grammy's last night. Haven't watched them in years... because even though I'd like to, my husband thinks they're lame, and SOMEHOW he ALWAYS wins that battle. I must not care about watching them as much as I think I do. ;)

#21

I am having a ridiculously non-productive week. Although I wake up each morning with fabulously large intentions, I am fizzle-ing out quite early in the day. I don't know what my deal is except that I feel... "off." It doesn't help that Brooklynn has decided to wake up at 6:30am the past 3 days instead of 9:30 or 10am. I am MUCH more productive when she's asleep, ha ha ha! I would blame it all on her, but she's too precious for that and yesterday afternoon when she and Jayden took their naps and Ki, Jordan and Ezra were at school, I decided to nap too. And last night when they were all in bed and Cody and I were watching TV, I decided to just sit instead of fold the 3 loads of laundry sitting in the room. If you know how to break this funk, enlighten me please!!!

#20

This weekend my mom and dad, aunts and uncles, and one cousin, are coming "up north" to help renovate my basement. I have a nice basement, don't get me wrong, but we are doing a MAJOR overhaul. We had some money that we HAD to use on home improvements (it's a tax thing) so we've decided to build Cody a home office... and since we're framing up new walls anyway, we're going to also add a 4th bedroom. The new office means Cody will finally have a dedicated space for working on stuff for Praxis Church, instead of having only his lap and a seat in our family room. Hopefully this will prove to be very beneficial and increase productivity and creativity for him. The 4th room will mean that we can finally give Brooklynn a bedroom of her own and reclaim our room as ours. If the foster situation proves to be less long term than we anticipate, we figure it'll make a nice guest room (since my parents currently end up on an air mattress in the family room when they visit). In addition to all the wall building, they will be installing a bunch of recessed lighting, running duct work for heat in the new rooms, and drywalling the new walls as well as the ceiling!!! The lights and ceiling mean that here where we spend 75% of our year indoors thanks to winter, we'll have a light bright airy space for the kids to play! YAY! In addition, all this free "labor" means it's actually crazy cheap to do! Who knew building walls could cost so little?

So my confession??? I am RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED!!! and SO SO GRATEFUL!

#19

It's been a while, and- it turns out- thinking of 30 random confessions is fairly difficult. I'm thinking my life is a lot less interesting than I thought... and I thought it was fairly boring. Still no news on Keagan, we're all still praying.

So today's confession? In all my years of teaching, one thing I know for certain is that 7 year old boys are EXTREMELY annoying to me. It's a phenomena that has always held my curiosity, and I am sad to report that my otherwise hilariously endearing and adorable 6 1/2 year old will be 7 at the end of February and is already showing signs of "the change." This might be a LONG year. ;)

#18

There are days when I desire to encourage my husband with a "go get 'em", "you can do it", "be uber productive", "stay focused" type speech. I refrain because somewhere deep inside I fear that by the end of the day I will have revealed myself as a hypocrite. ;)

#17

I LOVE the fact that Ezra and Ki are snugglers. It drives Cody insane that they both feel like they need to be touching us at all times (Cody enjoys hugs and snuggles, but in general prefers a little more space), but I feel like a colossal success each and every time they crawl up in my lap, or ask for a hug out of the blue, or complain that we haven't snuggled enough at the end of the day. And although I am sure it will lesson with time, I am desperately praying they never tire of random hugs for, and/or from mom. :)

#16

If I had all kinds of "connections" I would want to audition for American Idol. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to BE on American Idol, there's just a part of me that wants to audition for Simon Cowell and know what he thinks. I think about that every stinking year right about now... lame, I know. I'm okay with that. ;)

Keagan #15

For those who have been praying for Keagan, here's the Reader's Digest version of what's going on with my 9 year old nephew (as I understand it).

A month or so ago, Keagan started having some fairly severe headaches. About that time he also started having some trouble with his eyes. As most people would, we assumed he might be needing glasses. The problems continued to increase, to the point where he was seeing double frequently and normal levels of light were painful to him. Apparently, Keagan had already had a recent eye exam, so my sister took him to the pediatrician this past Monday. When the dr. looked in his eyes, he immediately said Keagan needed to see an opthamologist and get in for a cat scan. The opthamologist confirmed this on Tuesday morning and said that Keagan's right eye was protruding about 6mm farther forward than his left. This would seem to indicate that something was behind the eye pushing it out. He went in for his cat scan and the doctors saw that there was a cyst on his petuitary gland. Wednesday morning he went in for an MRI and we waited for the results. Friday morning the doctor called my sister at work and said she needed to get Keagan out of school and take him to the hospital immediately for a spinal tap. When they arrived, she was told that Keagan had multiple grey areas in his brain that were "irregular". Apparently the myelin sheath surrounding the nerve endings in his brain is sloughing off. For the moment they are treating this with steroids, but they are waiting on test results from Mayo Clinic to verify the actual problem. At this point, doctors think it is probably one of 3 things...
1. A.D.E.M. (acute disseminated encephalomyelitis) which is rare and only 6-10 people a year are diagnosed with it in the United States. He is not presenting with enough of the symptoms to know if that's what it is, but that is what they are treating him for at the moment.
2. M.S. - Equally rare because he is so young for an onset of MS.
3. Cerebral Palsy- Even more rare because he hasn't shown symptoms prior to now.

We should hear back from Mayo by next weekend, and Keagan is scheduled for another MRI at the end of this month. This morning Keagan was back in the ER with a severe migraine, and when they admitted him they found that his heart rate was half of what it should have been. They don't really know why that happened, but once he stabilized they sent him back home.

We would appreciate all your prayers as the doctors seek to determine what is going on with his little body. Thank you in advance!

#14

Late again, I know. Lots of family drama this weekend, which I will elaborate on in the next post, I promise. However, I did make this commitment and I will try to honor it.

Today's confession? I care too much what other people think. I'd like to think I don't, but I do. Some aspects of this are annoying but not troublesome, for instance... when I'm with friends who dress preppy, I try to dress preppy. When I'm with friends who don't care, I'm in jeans and a t-shirt, when I'm with family or friends from college I can't wait to pull out the pajama bottoms. That's annoying, but not cause for concern, I think most of us do that to some extent.

However, I have some friends who are super spiritual... and when I'm with them, I feel like I'm lacking. It makes me want to read the Bible more and have deep theological discussions. I have other friends who are super popular types, and I end up feeling like a big dork. I want to watch the really "in" tv shows and buy myself a new wardrobe, and be one of those girls who spend significant time trying to look good. Then I have other friends who are all earthy and artistic, who rip on people like the ones I just mentioned, and I want to deny the fact that there are parts of me that like pop culture and enjoy being a little preppy. I want to be more cutting edge and think outside of the box more instinctively. None of these responses are bad in and of themselves except for the fact that they are bred out of insecurity and not a sense of who I am in Christ. I'm working on it.

I'm hoping my 30's breed a greater sense of self than my 20's did. I know it's really all a God thing.

#13 a day late

So I totally forgot to do this yesterday... oops!

So yesterday's confession? I REALLY like my husband. I mean REALLY REALLY... I know people say that, but I REALLY do. Since we're here at my parents' house, and (unlike home) there are more than 2 restaurants to choose from, we took advantage of the free babysitting and went on a date! WOO! HOO! Granted, we waited til all the kids were in bed, and not much is open at 9:30pm on a Thursday night (not even any late movies), but we made the most of it. We went to Carrabas for dinner, and then just drove around talking for a while. It was nice to get away and have grown-up conversation without children interrupting or the weight of household or work responsibilities encroaching on us. We haven't been on a date since our anniversary in December, and that one we spent in a mad dash to get Christmas shopping done. I'm not sure we've had any other dates since Nov. 2nd when we added the foster kids to the mix. Up until that point we were pretty faithful with our weekly date night, so this has been quite a drought. So, last night I came home knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I REALLY like my husband. :) And if this foster situation does not become something permanent, one bright spot is that my weekly date nights will probably resume. And that's something I can smile about. ;)

#12

So today I did 7 loads of laundry, went grocery shopping, took two kids to preschool, packed up 6 members of the family for our 4 day stint in Portage, paid a few bills, tracked down a dvd payer for the car, emailed the dogsitter, and a few more things. All this between 6am and 5pm.

My confession? I did absolutely nothing to bond with my kids today... other than buying some Twizzlers to surprise them with during the car ride. I believe I said "not right now" and "I just don't have time for that today" more times today than I have in the past month, maybe longer. :(
Gonna have to make up for that tomorrow.

#11

Today we celebrate 9 months since the launch of Praxis Church!!! Seems insane, but last Easter morning we woke up and (along with the excitement Easter always brings) had no idea how to feel. It had only been a few weeks since we had officially left our previous ministry job, and we had fully intended to be having some sort of small group type thingy in our home. One thing led to another and we thought, "why not rent one of the local town halls for Easter and just see what happens?" 41 people came to that first gathering and 2 people made committments to God! :) So we started meeting every other week and the rest is history, er... um... is the beginning of our history.
So my confession is... in the depths of my soul I have known for a LONG time, that God designed my husband for this. For a church that's stripped of everything superficial, that's not polished, but is totally inviting. That is about loving, being real, and creating together. Where you can come as you are and humor/fun is woven into the fabric of everything. He never believed it about himself, I'm not convinced he does even now, but he has found his sweet spot, and I couldn't be happier for him. And in case he's reading this, I'd just like to say, "I told you so!" ;)

Confession #10... I've never...

Ever played the game "I've never"? It came up in conversation the other day and I've been debating making it one of my posts... in an effort to remain transparent with whomever is reading, here goes...

I've never smoked an entire cigarette or cigar.
I've never been skiing. Not downhill, not cross-country, not water.
I've never been drunk.
I've never been on a snowmobile (yup and I live in northern Michigan).
I've never had sex outside of marriage.
I've never bleached any hair on my face... sorry brown haired girlfriends!
I've never used any drugs (unless you count vicodin when I had kidney stones... ha ha ha).
I've never been good at managing my temper or my words.
I've never had braces (legs or teeth).
I've never gotten the tattoo that I want (or any other tattoo).
There's more, but I'm drawing a blank.

On the flip side:
I have tried smoking both cigarettes and cigars, it didn't appeal to me.
I've been sledding, and tubing, and hiking.
I do drink, but I don't like beer, or anything that actually tastes like alchohol. Basically, if it's fruity I'll probably like it.
I like four-wheeling, although I don't get to do it as often as I'd like.
Although Cody's my "one and only"- I still have lots of past relationship regrets. If I only could have known then what I know now.
I do tweeze my eyebrows. ;)
I had an epidural during the last 4 hours of labor with Ezra. In my defense, (for those of you who think I need one) I went into labor Saturday night, and Ezra was born Thursday afternoon... contractions about 1 minute apart the entire time.
No flip side for the anger or tendency to talk to much.
No braces, but in 4th and 5th grade I had a retainer called a "Frankle" that did nothing for my teeth, but was supposed to move my lower jaw forward and correct a slight overbite. Since I never wore it, I'm fairly sure it didn't work. :D
I am planning to get that tattoo soon... just having a hard time knowing how to find a good tattoo artist. I'm too anal to risk getting a crappy tattoo.

Anything you've "never" done?

Confession #9

Sometimes I let kids sit in stinky diapers an extra 15-20 minutes so I can keep reading stuff on facebook. Feel free to judge. ;)

#8

Confession #8... if I had the time I would have sent this as a message to each and every one of my facebook and email friends... that's how much I love it! For a closer look, click on the pic!

(special thanks to Sara Luke of Less Ordinary Designs for designing it! www.etsy.com/shop/lukecommasara )

Confession #6

Um... Sunday morning my husband challenged the people attending Praxis to read the New Testament together over the next 30 days. I thought this was awesome, and totally agreed to join in. Today is day #4 of the challenge, and I am already 3 days behind. Impressive, I know.

Confession #5

Confession #5:
I am an ooey gooey, embarrassingly hopeless, romantic... but in less than conventional ways. I don't read romance novels, I don't love all things "victorian", I don't appreciate pinks and florals, I don't like the movie "Gone With the Wind" (although the book is to die for),etc. However, most chick flicks will strike my fancy... as long as the man is a man's man and not too sugar coated. Also, I believe in love at first sight and soul mates--- no matter what my cynical husband might say about that. ;)
More than that, I am a champion of the irresistible "only in the movies" kind of love. I get absolutely sick to my stomach when I know someone is about to "settle" for something comfortable or familiar. I think we sell ourselves short because we're afraid of being alone. I know, I almost went there. I am so thankful the hopeless romantic in me couldn't be silenced and never lost hope that there could be something... well... more. Someday Cody should probably thank me for that... ha ha ha!
On a spiritual level, I wonder if God ever thinks I'm settling? He wants to have this completely intense, totally passionate relationship with me, and I sit here thinking, "yeah, I'm finally comfortable right where I am. This is nice. Not fantastic, but dependable and safe." He must hate that more than I do.
On a completely non-spiritual level, (and maybe this is an even bigger confession) when I'm watching Days of Our Lives (yup, I said it!) I never know whether I want Sammy and EJ to be together; because I like her with the new guy (Rafe) but I just can't shake the feeling that what she and EJ have is that undeniable kind of love. And I want that for him...and for her. Sick, I know. And just in case you're wondering how I find time for a soap, I DVR it. And I justify my behavior by watching it on nights when kids are in bed and Cody's at a meeting. And I fold laundry while I watch, somehow making it less of a waste of my time... ha ha ha!

Green with Envy

Sometimes I am jealous of my dog. There are many things I could envy about his life... the lack of stress, ability to nap whenever he feels like it, the fact that someone else prepares all of his meals and cleans up after him...

But the thing I envy the most? When he needs to "relieve" himself, he goes outside and no one follows him. No matter how long he takes, he gets to be alone for all of it. No little ones wanting to tell him a story, or asking him to break up a fight or solve a quarrel, he just goes in peace. I could use a little of that. I'm just sayin'...