Ode to Code

ODE TO CODE

Today I celebrate my hubby! Cody is now officially 28 years old! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY! It's crazy how time flies... we've been "dating" for over 9 years now, and married for 7 (as of next Monday). Seems like we've always been together, I can hardly remember the times before he was in my life, some I'd rather forget! :) Still, it's crazy to remember the day we met, and think of how I told my roommates that night that I thought I was going to marry him... we didn't even talk to each other... talk about love at first sight (maybe it was more of an obsession)! I just remember feeling something completely new and exciting when I was with him, and wanting to hang on to that feeling for as long as humanly possible. Amazingly enough, that sensation has only increased with time. My husband is funny, caring, servant-hearted, loyal, committed, strong, creative, and a man after God's own heart. I love and respect him more than anyone I have ever met, so today I celebrate Cody!

LOVIN' Christmas!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS! More to the point, I LOVE CHRISTMAS WITH CHILDREN!
Very few people understand my completely unhealthy obsession with Christmas better than Ezra. (Ha Ha, "better than Ezra"... someone should name a band that!) Ezra is enchanted by everything this season has to offer. The story of Christ's birth, the snow, the lights, the tree, the music, the food, wrapping and giving presents, etc. I could not be more pleased to have my little "partner in crime." Poor Cody looks like a true grinch by comparison. :) Ki is a little young to read just yet, although he is thoroughly mesmerized by the Christmas tree at grandma Gascho's house and dances anytime we play the Christmas CD's (granted he dances to music of any kind). Ezra even seems to grasp my overwhelming need to squish the life out of anyone who crosses my path. My poor children are being hugged incessantly simply because I am overflowing with joy this time of year. Ezra has begun preemptively hugging me whenever I am within arms reach. How fun! We will hopefully be decorating the house this weekend and with that it will feel as though the holidays have truly begun. I pulled out all of the Christmas stories for the kids and after 5 or 6 hours of reading them over and over it seems the boys know them by heart. In fact, this morning I caught Ezra "reading" one of them to Ki. Too precious!

Hope you are experiencing the giddiness the holidays afford and are not allowing the pressures of the season to put a damper on your celebration. Afterall, this is a celebration of the only person capable of loving us with perfection, and saving us from ourselves. No stress, only pure child-like JOY!

MALAKI'S FIRST BIRTHDAY!

Ki is now one year old!
It seems like only yesterday we recieved the phone call saying that Michelle was in labor. That morning was such an intense blur of emotion, so much hope in what our family was about to become, so much fear for what it might not. In the end, so much trust in our God to see us through whatever was on it's way. Ki was so beautiful, our time with him in the hospital- so treasured, the entrustment ceremony- so intense. The whole thing was exhausting and exhilarating all at once. I cannot begin to explain the degree to which I wish such an experience for everyone I love. Adoption is a precious journey and has helped me understand the degree to which our heavenly Father loves us... the Bible speaks of how God adopts each of us, making us joint heirs with Christ. Having a biological child, and now an adopted child, I more fully understand the level of equality with Christ that we have been afforded in God's eyes. It is so completely humbling and terrifyingly undeserved. So many people speak of adoption and say things like, "how lucky your little one is to have parents like you..." No one says those things when you give birth to a baby. It's so frustrating. Just like it was with Ezra, we are the lucky ones to have been blessed with Ki. He has enriched us in ways we didn't even know we were lacking. Today I celebrate Ki.

My Two Sons

Thought I'd add some pics of my children if I can figure out how to do it. I'm an such a computer moron. :) Enjoy!

Wanting Answers

Wanting answers:
Ever feel like you're going to pop a vein if you pray any harder? It seems like this is my daily experience for the last few years. Desperately seeking answers and direction for life, never feeling as though I'm being answered. The reality is, if I take a few steps back, I see God's hand in everything I do, and hopefully, in more and more of who I am. If that's not some sort of answer, I'm not sure what is. Still, everyonce in a while I'd like God to send me an e-mail, write something in the sky, etc. Why is it that we seek concrete answers from a God who is able to do "infinitely more than we could ever ask or imagine?" If His answers are defined by his method of response, are we attempting to limit Him?

Compromise

Yesterday I was watching the Oprah show and I grew more and more frustrated as marriage was discussed. In a nutshell, the guests, and Oprah herself, believed that it is hard (almost impossible) to be true to yourself and be married. All mentioned the idea of "losing yourself" or your "identity" in order to become a better spouse or mother- that this is some sort of lie that women are told that should no longer exist in today's society. They actually called for a revolution- said that women need to hold on to who they are and not change for the sake of a spouse or children. I think they've been fed a lie.

If you've read my first post, you know that I wholeheartedly embrace the concept of authenticity in relationship. So let's be realistic... are any of us so perfect that everything about us, pre-relationship, needs to be guarded so completely that we neglect relationship? Is becoming someone other than who you once were so terrible? Can any of us look back and say unequivocally that we should never have changed anything about our past self? To believe that in single life and independence we somehow have a perfect understanding of ourselves is naive. To assume that being with someone else in a committed marital relationship would somehow "chip away at who we really are" is cowardly.

Dr. Robin (one of the guests) did say that the only way to have a successful marriage was to dwell in truth. To really be who you really are. To be fully present with each other, instead of being who you think your spouse wants you to be. I whole-heartedly agree. That said, what's wrong with letting parts of yourself go? If you are open to it, you may be surprised with the things that fill that space. There may be pieces of yourself, passions and interests that you never knew you had.

I'm not suggesting we compromise on the non-negotiables in life. If you have a strong faith, obviously that is not something worth losing for the sake of someone else. However, where you live may not be as important as who you're with. Maybe you decide to stay home with your children for a time, even though your job gives you a feeling of importance and success. Maybe you stay home more evenings than you go out because it makes your spouse happy- even though you'd rather be out there with other people most of the time. Maybe you start saying "no" when people call to ask you to head up one more committee or join one more community organization, even though you care very much about those particular things. If you do, you may find, over time, that your old job was the source of unnecessary stress in your life, that your home has more order, and that- unexpectedly- you take a great amount of pride in the fact that your family can depend on you to be cheerful in their presence, instead of rushed. That raising your children and being there for all of their minor and major successes is more fulfilling than that promotion you so desperately desired. That the time off has clarified what you really desire to do when you return to the work force and gives you time to pursue the necessary education to go after that new job. Maybe, after a few weeks of boredom, you start to enjoy the time at home. Maybe home starts to become a haven from the craziness of the week and time there begins to fill your emotional reservoir, so that soon you find yourself wanting to give more to others, you are so energized. Eventually, you may even begin inviting others over on a regular basis, fulfilling your need for interaction, and your spouses need to be at home... not to mention blessing those who enter your home and feel refreshed by your hospitality and care for them. Maybe when you say "no" for the first time you will feel liberated from the constant need to please those around you. Maybe you will embrace the fact that their opinion of you doesn't matter, then your concern can rest in how God views you, and you can find peace in His grace. At some point you may become more wise in your decision making and may choose more worthy investments of your time, giving 110% in each activity, knowing you have not spread yourself too thin. How many of us miss unexpected aspects of ourselves because we are sure we know who we "really are", and what we "really" want? How many allow the fear of "losing ourselves" hinder us from trying something out of character? What would happen if we embraced the idea of putting others before ourselves, all the while being authentic as we go through the process. Maybe you try something and it doesn't work out for the better. If we're being authentic with those around us, it will not be hard to back track and try something else. Is what we may lose better than what we might gain? Can we be certain without taking a step in faith?

First Post

First time:
I have never posted a blog before. In fact, until recently, I had never read a blog... didn't really know what one was. When contemplating a name for this site all I could think of was how desperately I desire to be a part of something real and meaningful, to experience authentic community the way God intended. I'm not sure a blog was what He had in mind, but here I go anyway.

My life is not exciting. There are moments that I feel exhilarated, but they seem to be few and far between. Don't get me wrong, I have joy in my life, and I like where I am, it's just a little lacking in adventure. Do you ever feel that tension? Knowing you should be happy with all you are blessed with, and yet craving something more? Risk, victory, invention, passion, surprise...etc. I seem to always be returning to that place, and most times I feel I am surrounded by people who don't understand the depth to which these desires drive me. I am a dreamer by nature and I live in a realistic society.

My life demands a realistic approach- I am a wife and a mother and I take both responsibilities very seriously- so dinner needs to be made, clothes washed, our home cleaned etc. I am overly aware of all the "real" things in life. Still, I desire time to cultivate depth in friendships, greater intimacy with my husband, and meaningful investments in my children. When I express this to those around me I feel like I am some kind of freak, and yet I believe at the core of my being, that these are the "real" things in life.

Who has time to really know the heart and soul of their friends instead of swapping the latest stories about children, engaging in meaningless gossip, and sharing the events of the past week? Who wants to dig deeper with your spouse and truly know each other in a way that leaves you craving more intimacy on a daily basis? Who has the energy to do more than wrangle your kids, get them fed, dressed, bathed, entertained, and in bed- to instead daily invest in their emotional well-being, listening to their hearts, sharing snuggly moments with a book, singing songs together, acting silly, etc. Most people in my life think my expectations for intimacy are unrealistic and impossible. I have to believe they are wrong, if I didn't, I might as well wither up.

I believe that God created us to be relational people. That everything we do is driven by a need to be in authentic relationship, or in a misguided attempt to avoid authentic relationships. At the dawn of creation Adam and Eve experienced relational perfection, as a couple, and with God. Since the fall, all of humanity has been trying to regain that pefection, to restore broken relationships- with God and man. So am I so crazy to recognize this and seek it with all that I am?

I want messy relationships... real and unfiltered...committed despite flaws...come as you are mentality...exposed to the point of discomfort... until at some point, its as if we've found an oasis in the midst of a fake and guarded society... knowing we have found a few places in which we can be truly authentic with each other and God. Knowing that we are beginning to taste life as it was meant to be.