"You're blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule." Matthew 5:3
Friends, if this is true, I am BLESSED.
As it turns out, 6 children under the age of 11 is hard. When 3 of those children are a sibling group recently removed from their birth family, it's even harder. Having a 2, 3, and 4 year old is utter chaos. I know, SHOCKING.
It's not that I don't know these things before I jump into them, its just that I'm a bit... well... optimistic? Hopeful? Unrealistic? Overconfident? Who knows. I guess when I feel God calling me to something, I assume it will be accompanied by His provisions (emotionally, relationally, mentally, spiritually, financially, logistically, etc.), and I jump in full force.
So here we are. Life is hard right now. I'm not really sure how to do this well, but I am trying. Some days are amazing and progress is palpable. Some days, like today, glorious events like nap time turn into horrific episodes of weeping and gnashing of teeth.
I sat down at our kitchen table during this afternoon's meltdown and decided to pay bills to distract myself (with something equally frustrating, but seemingly more manageable). Towards the end, I found myself appreciating the breeze (it is 81 degrees INSIDE MY HOUSE- which may be contributing to my less than stellar attitude). The breeze drew my eyes to the window and I was struck by the calm that is found in nature on a summer afternoon. Birds, wind, trees, sunshine, clouds... so much lazy perfection, and here I was all in knots, stressed to my core, 2 feet away from it all. Friends, how do we get to this point? How do we find ourselves so removed from the simplicity of it all? I don't have an answer to that, but I decided to do something that fills my spirit for the remainder of "nap time." Since I don't have a hammock and I needed to be indoors to listen to children avoiding their naps like the plague, I decided to blog. Talking here helps, and I truly enjoy writing.
Here's what I know: God is providing. Not how I hope, or on my timeline, but He is in our midst and any forward progress is because of Him. I'm adjusting my expectations. Hot days suck. I like time alone with my husband, and extra money would be nice. My anal, over-organized nature is an asset in a big family. I have no clue how to balance all this with my job, and the month of August is a big giant bully terrorizing my dreams. I don't like cooking in the summer, and I believe pizza made by someone else should be cheaper and socially acceptable for dinner 5 nights a week, but...
I am where I am meant to be, with who I'm meant to be with, at the end of my rope, and blessed. If you are at the end of your rope too, take comfort, with less of you, there is more of God, and that's gotta be a good thing.