I'm confused. Or maybe conflicted is a better word. Overwhelmed?
We found out for certain on Monday that our foster children will be leaving us on the 18th of this month. I wish that I felt supremely sad, or completely overjoyed, but I just feel... numb.
When I think of all the negatives (what if they aren't cared for? what if they don't feel loved? what if no one looks out for them? what if Brooklynn never understands why I'm suddenly gone?) I want to throw up. When I think of the positives (needing less of EVERYTHING, no more diapers or potty training, more time to snuggle Ki and Ezra, less intentional destruction of our home, LESS LAUNDRY, etc.) then I want it over with today. Yeah, except I don't...
The reality is, there are no guarantees and no quick fixes in this situation. So we pray, and I prepare as best I know how (lists and all), and I hope that the "relief" will dull the pain of saying goodbye if only just a smidge.
I also just want to publicly thank all the people who attend Praxis Church (www.createpraxis.com) for your love and support. There have been days when I've crawled into bed and prayed, "wow, I apologize God for totally screwing up their view of You today." I realized the last time we were at church that you all are helping make up for my inadequacies in sharing the reality of faith with these kids. Someday, because of you, they may hear the "Cheers" theme song and get a warm fuzzy feeling that makes them want to go to church... "where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came..." Thank you for loving these precious little ones on days when I was at my end, God has used you in ways you may never know. :)