Really?!?

So yeah, I stepped on the scale yesterday and I've gained 7 pounds in the past two weeks! Apparently I eat when I'm stressed... I know... SHOCKER! Time to pay attention to what I'm putting in my mouth and hit the treadmill again (and by "hit" I mean walk on, because really folks, did anyone believe I was actually going to run? unlikely).

Although... I know that Sunday there will be baskets full of candy on my table and I feel fairly confident they will derail this new plan. I'm just saying... tee! hee!

(on a completely unrelated note: ever notice how often I use "..." (dot dot dot) when I write? I may have a borderline obsession!)

#30

Confession #30... saying goodbye is going to be difficult...

#29

Confession #29... I am a forgiver... and sometimes I wish I wasn't.

I know I should be, and that forgiving is a good thing, but sometimes I just wish the people in my life had to work a little harder to earn my forgiveness. I know that's hypocritical since I accept God's forgiveness of my mistakes knowing I'll never do enough to deserve such grace, but there's always a little piece of me that wonders if I'm letting people off the hook too easily, and I want them to totally feel bad and really learn their lesson.

I read, or heard someone once say that choosing NOT to forgive someone is like drinking poison every day and wishing the other person would die. I think that's pretty accurate. I think people get caught up on the misconception that "if I forgive that person, then I'm saying what they did didn't matter, or wasn't that big a deal, or was ok. Or, I'll forgive them when they admit they were wrong and ASK for my forgiveness." I think forgiveness can be as simple as saying, "you hurt me in ways I may never recover from, and what you did was unforgivable, but I am choosing to move forward now. We will never be what we once were, or have what we may have had (and maybe in some cases, will never be friends again), but I am choosing to let go of the bitterness and anger. For your sake and mine." Going back to my new favorite mantra, "Grace is always the right response."

In Cody's message a few weeks ago he talked about generosity and hope, and one of the things he said was that forgiveness is one of the most generous ways we can give hope to the people in our lives. I think he's right, and because I love the God of second (and third and fourth and fifth) chances, a God who knows no such phrase as "lost cause," I think I'll choose to continue forgiving. Because there's a part of me that knows I can never out-forgive God, and that I need hope just as much as, if not more than, the next guy.

#28

Confession #28... If you gave me $1000 and told me I had to splurge on myself (ie. could NOT pay off debt or do the "responsible thing" with it), I'd head straight to Home Depot, Lowe's or Crate and Barrel. I feel much more comfortable shopping in lumber yards, container/organization stores, and hardwares than I do at malls or clothing retailers. Hmm... that might explain my fashion sense, or lack thereof... tee! hee! ;)

#27

Confession #27...
I want a Great Dane puppy. ;) I've wanted one for as long as I can remember. Someday...

#26

I'm confused. Or maybe conflicted is a better word. Overwhelmed?

We found out for certain on Monday that our foster children will be leaving us on the 18th of this month. I wish that I felt supremely sad, or completely overjoyed, but I just feel... numb.

When I think of all the negatives (what if they aren't cared for? what if they don't feel loved? what if no one looks out for them? what if Brooklynn never understands why I'm suddenly gone?) I want to throw up. When I think of the positives (needing less of EVERYTHING, no more diapers or potty training, more time to snuggle Ki and Ezra, less intentional destruction of our home, LESS LAUNDRY, etc.) then I want it over with today. Yeah, except I don't...

The reality is, there are no guarantees and no quick fixes in this situation. So we pray, and I prepare as best I know how (lists and all), and I hope that the "relief" will dull the pain of saying goodbye if only just a smidge.

I also just want to publicly thank all the people who attend Praxis Church (www.createpraxis.com) for your love and support. There have been days when I've crawled into bed and prayed, "wow, I apologize God for totally screwing up their view of You today." I realized the last time we were at church that you all are helping make up for my inadequacies in sharing the reality of faith with these kids. Someday, because of you, they may hear the "Cheers" theme song and get a warm fuzzy feeling that makes them want to go to church... "where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came..." Thank you for loving these precious little ones on days when I was at my end, God has used you in ways you may never know. :)

#25

We are discussing the idea of dropping our dish service, which would mean basically no more TV, or DVR...

Confession #25? That makes me VERY uncomfortable. And the fact that it makes me uncomfortable, makes me even more uncomfortable.