Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Confessions of an imbalanced life

Balance... that elusive dream I chase, sometimes with relentless passion, and sometimes with very little awareness...

I have none at this point in time. I'm a firm believer in the fact that there are seasons where life isn't what we want it to be, but you do your best and plow through, comforted by the fact that it is only a season. Lately, I've used this as an excuse to not push for more in my life, to be lazy, or to ease the nagging I feel when I analyze my "less than" living. At this rate, I am building habits that turn a "season" into a lifestyle.

I miss my husband. Weekly date nights disappeared when we brought home 3 foster children in November of 2009. We were one month shy of having been married 10 years and we had managed to have a weekly date night almost every week for that entire time. All our "free" babysitters kind of bailed once they met our new kids, and we couldn't really afford to pay anyone else. When we could afford to pay, we used these sitters to help us attend meetings and small groups, etc. When they left, no one really offered to step up again to watch Ezra and Ki, and we didn't really want to ask. At this point in time, once a month seems ambitious. Our last date was the day after Christmas, oh wait... we did run errands together in Gaylord for Valentine's Day. I. MISS. MY. HUSBAND.

I miss my alone time. It's been 2 years since we've had "nap time" in our home, and that was my guaranteed time alone with my thoughts each day. At first it was inconvenient but doable, over the long haul it's wearing on me in ways I didn't anticipate. Creativity is non-existent, motivation is lacking, patience is extremely low, etc. Cody has tried to help in so many ways over the past 6 months. He's taken on more household responsibilities, watched the kids so I could run errands by myself, encouraged me to do things that fill me up emotionally, but in the end, I just need regular/daily time alone, and it's not happening.

I miss God. I. MISS. GOD. This is really the crux of it all. Everything else kind of spins off of this I'm sure. Nap time was also my God time. In all honesty I have yet to find a suitable replacement time since that fell by the wayside, TWO YEARS AGO. My time with God is just as hit or miss as the time with my husband and myself. "Life" or lack thereof seems to always get in the way.

I don't want to tell you about all this... I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but I need to be accountable to change this. I need to be honest about the fact that in my interactions with people lately I'm giving advice based on what I've always believed to be true and not out of the overflow of God's spirit in me. I'm physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually exhausted and out of balance.

Have you ever been here?


Mary Ann said...

Love you! I've been there. I would always say that God and His Word are more important than sleep or my own personal preferences, but I don't always live like I believe it. What usually drives me back to spending time in God's word is the need to know more in different ministry situations. It is overwhelming to me how much I don't know about Him and His ways. Honestly, that isn't motivating, it's daunting

Date night...haven't figured that one out yet. Dropping 4 kids on someone isn't something I take lightly. We usually try to find people to switch with, but realistically it ends up being once a month or less often. It is never enough time, but God knows my need better than I do. (some days I actually mean that when I say it:) God is teaching me about contentment through all of it and I'm trying to be grateful for the time together we do have.

I wish we lived closer and could meet for (insert warm beverage here) and accountability, and maybe some shopping. I promise 2 date nights while we are in Fairview this summer!

Elissa said...

I'm there with you now! Juggling the demands of everyday life seems overwhelming in and of itself right now, not to mention throwing in other time consuming things. I would love to offer some insight, but I don't have any. Other than to say, we know the truth. We know that making the time is the only way it will happen and the only way we will feel our tanks are full. The part of HOW to make the time...let me know if you figure it out. Miss you!

Elissa said...

And, as always...honesty and being real are much appreciated! Our world is lacking people who admit to struggling with it all and not being sure how to make it all fit. God doesn't want perfection...just us!

Amanda said...

Thanks girls!