continuation...

Sorry 'bout the last post, but it kind of illustrated what I was trying to say... not enough time... or focus.

This past weekend I went to Traverse City to meet up with one of my good friends from high school and college. She was staying there for a media specialists convention and wondered if I might be up for a "girls night out!" Oh yeah! Cody told me to take the opportunity and stay an extra night at the hotel by myself. He thought I might enjoy some time to re-group and breathe just a bit. I needed it... I know I did. But somehow, after a day away from my husband and kids, I just wanted to be home. I knew when I left that I needed to get some intense one-on-one time with God and figure out where I'm headed, where I'd like to be headed, where God wants me headed, and how to get where I should be going. Did that make sense? Anyway, after parting ways with Rachel, I finished the last of my to-do list, and then drove to a scenic overlook on the bay, pulled out my Bible and a notepad, and attempted to make the time I've been missing. I made goals for 4 main areas of my life (all of them overlap incessantly, but oh well): spiritual, relational, physical, and personal. Each goal had 2 or 3 action steps.

What I realized as I processed was that I haven't been taking care of myself. I think that we are supposed to put others before ourselves, don't get me wrong, that's scriptural... but it says, "before" ---not to "ignore" yourself. When I am drained, I do not respect my husband the way I should. When I am tired, I do not respond to my children from the well-spring of love I have for them, but rather from the ragged edges of my last nerve. When I am overweight and generally unhealthy I do not treat myself with kindness or confidence. When all of the above overwhelm me, time alone with God becomes one more thing on the "to-do" list, instead of a welcome respite in my day. I say all this because I think its what women do... moms especially. I think it's the way we are most vulnerable. We get so busy taking care of everyone, that... eventually... we can't take care of anyone. All because we don't slow down long enough to take care of ourselves. To reflect on who we are, who we desire to be, and delight in our Savior who loving agrees to guide us along the way.

Much to my dismay, I spent my entire day today in bed. I have this inner ear vertigo thing that happens once every 6 months or so. I wake up raring to start the day, and then the room spins uncontrollably (like a head rush that doesn't stop), I start to feel like I'm going to vomit, and I wind up back in bed. I'm unable to sit up, open my eyes, or even talk for fear of more spinning and vomiting. I take some motion sickness meds, lay in the dark for the next 8 hours, and finally around dinnertime am able to eat a little, sit a little, and talk a little. Eventually, I feel fine, but weak.... that's where I am now.

And what did I learn today? Everything went fine without me. Don't get me wrong, I have a phenomenal husband who took a sick day and handled everything...and he did have his share of "what should I do about________?" questions, but it went fine without me. And maybe that's the point. I CAN take time for myself. It WILL benefit everyone in the long run, and it'll be okay for short bursts of time without me.
So... now I'm a "yes mom" who takes "me time." :) At least that's one of my new goals. Thought I'd put it out there to hold myself more accountable... and because I like to ramble on needlessly when I write. ;)

Not Enough Time

wow, it has been too long... (and this post probably will be too) and in the interest of authenticity, I don't really even want to write right now. The crazy thing is that I've been "intending" to write for some time and I keep putting it off. Today, out of the blue, I've had 2 comments on old posts. Strange. I'm taking it as a sign that I just need to do it.

I'm not sure if anyone else is in this position (although I'm willing to bet more than a few are) but I just don't have enough time. I feel like life has been in hyper-mode for a few months now and the cumulative effect is becoming a bit too much, on EVERY level.
Ezra is in first grade now (and no, he did NOT start the year with a mohawk... maybe next time I cut his hair), and Malaki started preschool 3 mornings a week. I should be "doing the happy dance and feelin' the flow" with all this extra alone time, but as is my style I have found ways to fill the time. Both boys are adjusting well to their new environments and continue to amaze me with their abilities to make friends with so little effort. Is it because they're males? Or kids? I don't know, but I envy them.

Ki turned 4 yesterday and I can NOT stress to you how much I HATE the 4th birthday. It happened with Ezra, and now with Ki, but something less than magical happens on birthday number 4 that changes my adorable little toddlers into equally adorable but significantly older seeming little boys. We had a wonderful time celebrating him, and I found myself thanking God almost once every 5 minutes or so for His hand leading Ki to us through adoption. I could not adore him more if I tried, and my heart aches to think there was ever a chance he wouldn't end up as my child. It sounds crazy given how much I disliked being pregnant with Ezra (love Ezra, just hated pregnancy) but I actually find myself mourning those lost 9 months with Ki. Anyway, he got an MP3 player and although I thought he was a little too young for it, he has done a great job taking care of it (yes I know it's only been one day) and has been thoroughly entertained for the last hour just listening to his tunes. Right now I can hear him singing, "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord... You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God, You do not faint, You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak, You comfort those in need, You lift us up on wings like eagles..." and just in case you think we're overly impressive or overly churchy... the song before that was "Sherry" by Frankie Valli. tee! hee!

Now my little ADD brain is struggling to find my train of thought while he sings...

gonna have to come back to this later... sorry. ;)