Obedient Little Niece

So, my aunt Mo says I need to post on here again... ;) and since I'm an obedient little niece, here goes!

I don't really have much to say... I've been working on a more meaningful post for a week now, but I just don't have the energy to finish that one today.

Today... well, you'll get to hear about Ezra's eyes. I took the boys to the eye doctor last week fully expecting to come home having purchased glasses for Ezra. He's been blinking a lot, getting tired, and rubbing his eyes while reading for a while now, and I just assumed he had his mother and grandpa's eyes and was in need of glasses. Not so. Apparently Ezra's eyes are not tracking or converging the way they should. This means that when he's reading it becomes very difficult to keep his place, and much of the time he is seeing double. This also impacts his balance, ability to catch balls, dribble, etc. In fact, the eye doctor was surprised that Ezra's reading at all, let alone reading at or above grade level. So... vision therapy is needed. Vision therapy that is NOT covered by insurance. 20 sessions at $100 each, 3 times a week for 7 weeks. Yowzah.

Obviously, we are going to do the therapy. People pay significantly more than that for braces, snowmobiles, vacations, etc. I can't think of any investment I am more happy to put up funds for than ensuring my kids have the best shot I can give them at a solid education. Since reading is foundational to everything, it'll be money well spent. But still... oh my...

So, the bright side? I get 2 hours (yeah it's an hour one way to the therapy sessions) in the car, 3 times a week, to be alone with Ezra. I love hearing his heart, so I am looking forward to all the extra time together. :)

point to ponder...

"When we want what God wants, for the reasons God wants it, then we are unstoppable."
-Steven Furtick

Heard this during our "One Prayer" series this weekend and now I can't stop evaluating my desires, my motives, etc. Probably a good thing...

Just so ya know...

Not that you'll care, but I was thinking of something I didn't share during the 30 days of confessions... it's a random little tid bit, but I'll post it anyway. :)

I make my bed... EVERY day. I cannot sleep in an UN-made bed. Seriously... I will make my bed at 11:30 at night if I must, but I will not get into bed until I've made it. Anal, I know.

I'm just asking...

So I've been pondering something for a while now... trying to figure out how to say what I want to say, knowing I will probably offend someone (or multiple someones)... but wanting to provoke discussion or reflection, without giving the impression of an attack. This morning I was debating whether to write this post or not- stalling on facebook as I often do- when I read the following as my brother-in-law's status: "Sadly, Christians tend to care more about political liberty than their spiritual freedom in Christ."

So here we go...

Where is your heart, your focus, your security? Is it your job? Your family? Your home? Your President? Your political party? Your country? Over the past decade it seems as though Christians are becoming increasingly political. I'm not against being involved in politics, active in voting, etc. I am, however, increasingly concerned by the degree to which Christians promote certain viewpoints or agendas as "right" or "Godly." I'm bothered by the fact that we are becoming known in our culture more for all the things we're AGAINST, instead of for all the things that Christ was FOR. I am beyond annoyed by the amount of "Christian" propaganda that gains momentum and manipulates people based on fear. If we tell you all the "evil" things that are in the works, or hype slippery slopes, etc. then people are suddenly up in arms ready for action.

Here's what I know:
We will NEVER be satisfied with our government, our leaders, etc. We won't. Doesn't matter who is in power... we won't. They are human, humans are flawed... we won't.

In addition...

2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control." --- and yet I hear people all the time getting worked up over political fears. I heard Christians bash Bush because of military decisions, the economy, and seeming incompetence. I hear other Christians bash Obama because of health care reform, bowing to leaders from other countries, and supposed pursuit of socialism. But I'm told that God does NOT give us a spirit of fear. That's a manipulation by people with an agenda, and when we get sucked into it, we risk our focus becoming something other than God. Our pursuit becomes FOR a certain political agenda and making our voice be heard, instead of a pursuit OF God and desire to hear HIS voice. We do this because we are scared. We do this because we have not yet put all our hope and security in God... we do not yet trust that "He's got our back" so to speak.

Psalm 24:1 "The earth is the Lord's and all that is in it, the world, and those who live in it." --- and yet I feel such a sense of entitlement coming from people I talk to. The way we view illegal aliens... taking "our" jobs and stressing out "our" systems. The way we treat the poor... using "our" tax dollars for their benefit when they haven't done anything to "deserve" it. Companies that send "our" jobs to other countries to save money. The idea that if I've worked hard enough for long enough, I am owed a retirement like I've envisioned and a successful career or business. I'm not saying there aren't issues in these areas that might benefit from some re-evaluation, but that's not my point. God never guarantees any of the above. The Bible does say, "my God will supply all of my needs" but I'm just not convinced that our idea of "needs" are the same as God's. We're not owed ANYTHING. We don't "deserve" any of what we earn any more than the people who are "lazy and manipulate the system." None of it is "ours." It never was. It never will be. The earth is the Lord's and ALL that is in it. Notice it also says, "those who live in it" are too. That includes the poor, illegal aliens, me and you (thank goodness!), AND politicians... just sayin'...

on that note:

Romans 13:1 "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God."

Colossians 1:16 "For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him."

John 19:11 (speaking to Pilate) Jesus answered, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above..."

Daniel 4:17 "'The decision is announced by messengers, the holy ones declare the verdict, so that the living may know that the Most High is sovereign over the kingdoms of men and gives them to anyone He wishes and sets over them the lowliest of men.'"

Daniel 5:21 "He was driven away from people and given the mind of an animal; he lived with the wild donkeys and ate grass like cattle; and his body was drenched with the dew of heaven, until he acknowledged that the Most High God is sovereign over the kingdoms of men and sets over them anyone He wishes. "

So whether you hate how the latest election went down, or if you love it, know this... as a Christian, you must acknowledge the fact that the LORD is sovereign over the kingdoms of man (this includes the good ole' US of A) and HE gives them to whomever HE wishes. He has a plan for this season (whether you're excited by it or hate it) and He will do with it what He wishes.

And so I refer back to Josh's facebook status: "Sadly, Christians tend to care more about political liberty than their spiritual freedom in Christ." What are we more aggressively pursuing? Political liberties, or freedom in Christ? Our agenda for the US, or God's agenda for our individual lives? Making sure WE are taken care of (in regards to our businesses, finances, health, etc.) or taking care of the poor (an idea discussed more in the Bible than almost anything else). What do we talk about more- the stuff going on in Washington, or the stuff God is doing in our hearts? Are we operating from a place of fear about the future, or from a place of certainty- knowing Who it is who holds our future? And is that enough for us?

I'm just asking...

Vacay

So, I'm on vacation with the fam, and just to get it out of the way, I know I should have more exciting things to do right now. :) However, the kids are in bed, and Cody's watching the NFL Draft, so here I sit with a little "me" time.

Right after our foster kids moved out, someone we adore offered to send our family on a vacation. It was humbling, and of course we tried to say no, but they insisted and we accepted. Somehow they knew (even before we did) that we were going to need to get away from it all and just reconnect again as a family of four. I can't tell you how much we've been looking forward to these 7 days away from it all, or how good they've been for us!

We decided early on to keep the whole thing a mystery for our boys. Each night they are given a card that reveals clues about the following day. They HATE it, and love it at the same time. Ki seems able to roll with it with minimal effort, but Ezra is absolutely discombobulated at the idea of not knowing what comes next. I just shake my head, frustrated and yet slightly smiling because I know it will be priceless to watch them both realize our plans and then freak out with excitement. All week I've been saying, "relax... just trust us buddy... it's gonna be great..." I know they're going to love what's in store. I know my boys, I know their hearts, I know their desires, and I am desperate to make as many of those dreams come true as I can. But they don't know that about me... or if they do, they seem to have forgotten. Each day Ezra asks what tomorrow brings, and when I tell him he'll have to wait for the clue he gets frustrated and mad, and often misses out on some of the joy in front of him.

Today I realized that in the grand scheme of things, I am Ezra... and the one I am forgetting to trust is God. I'm probably missing joys that are right in front of me because of concern for what comes next. I desperately want to know what the future brings, why things don't look the way I want them to look, why I can't have the clues I want when I want them, why I can't have some say in the planning...

I wonder if God is shaking his head at me, wondering why I don't trust his heart, but secretly so excited to watch me freak out once His plan is finally revealed?

Really?!?

So yeah, I stepped on the scale yesterday and I've gained 7 pounds in the past two weeks! Apparently I eat when I'm stressed... I know... SHOCKER! Time to pay attention to what I'm putting in my mouth and hit the treadmill again (and by "hit" I mean walk on, because really folks, did anyone believe I was actually going to run? unlikely).

Although... I know that Sunday there will be baskets full of candy on my table and I feel fairly confident they will derail this new plan. I'm just saying... tee! hee!

(on a completely unrelated note: ever notice how often I use "..." (dot dot dot) when I write? I may have a borderline obsession!)

#30

Confession #30... saying goodbye is going to be difficult...

#29

Confession #29... I am a forgiver... and sometimes I wish I wasn't.

I know I should be, and that forgiving is a good thing, but sometimes I just wish the people in my life had to work a little harder to earn my forgiveness. I know that's hypocritical since I accept God's forgiveness of my mistakes knowing I'll never do enough to deserve such grace, but there's always a little piece of me that wonders if I'm letting people off the hook too easily, and I want them to totally feel bad and really learn their lesson.

I read, or heard someone once say that choosing NOT to forgive someone is like drinking poison every day and wishing the other person would die. I think that's pretty accurate. I think people get caught up on the misconception that "if I forgive that person, then I'm saying what they did didn't matter, or wasn't that big a deal, or was ok. Or, I'll forgive them when they admit they were wrong and ASK for my forgiveness." I think forgiveness can be as simple as saying, "you hurt me in ways I may never recover from, and what you did was unforgivable, but I am choosing to move forward now. We will never be what we once were, or have what we may have had (and maybe in some cases, will never be friends again), but I am choosing to let go of the bitterness and anger. For your sake and mine." Going back to my new favorite mantra, "Grace is always the right response."

In Cody's message a few weeks ago he talked about generosity and hope, and one of the things he said was that forgiveness is one of the most generous ways we can give hope to the people in our lives. I think he's right, and because I love the God of second (and third and fourth and fifth) chances, a God who knows no such phrase as "lost cause," I think I'll choose to continue forgiving. Because there's a part of me that knows I can never out-forgive God, and that I need hope just as much as, if not more than, the next guy.

#28

Confession #28... If you gave me $1000 and told me I had to splurge on myself (ie. could NOT pay off debt or do the "responsible thing" with it), I'd head straight to Home Depot, Lowe's or Crate and Barrel. I feel much more comfortable shopping in lumber yards, container/organization stores, and hardwares than I do at malls or clothing retailers. Hmm... that might explain my fashion sense, or lack thereof... tee! hee! ;)

#27

Confession #27...
I want a Great Dane puppy. ;) I've wanted one for as long as I can remember. Someday...

#26

I'm confused. Or maybe conflicted is a better word. Overwhelmed?

We found out for certain on Monday that our foster children will be leaving us on the 18th of this month. I wish that I felt supremely sad, or completely overjoyed, but I just feel... numb.

When I think of all the negatives (what if they aren't cared for? what if they don't feel loved? what if no one looks out for them? what if Brooklynn never understands why I'm suddenly gone?) I want to throw up. When I think of the positives (needing less of EVERYTHING, no more diapers or potty training, more time to snuggle Ki and Ezra, less intentional destruction of our home, LESS LAUNDRY, etc.) then I want it over with today. Yeah, except I don't...

The reality is, there are no guarantees and no quick fixes in this situation. So we pray, and I prepare as best I know how (lists and all), and I hope that the "relief" will dull the pain of saying goodbye if only just a smidge.

I also just want to publicly thank all the people who attend Praxis Church (www.createpraxis.com) for your love and support. There have been days when I've crawled into bed and prayed, "wow, I apologize God for totally screwing up their view of You today." I realized the last time we were at church that you all are helping make up for my inadequacies in sharing the reality of faith with these kids. Someday, because of you, they may hear the "Cheers" theme song and get a warm fuzzy feeling that makes them want to go to church... "where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came..." Thank you for loving these precious little ones on days when I was at my end, God has used you in ways you may never know. :)

#25

We are discussing the idea of dropping our dish service, which would mean basically no more TV, or DVR...

Confession #25? That makes me VERY uncomfortable. And the fact that it makes me uncomfortable, makes me even more uncomfortable.

#24

Confession #24- I am a neat freak. Not a clean freak, a neat freak. I believe there is a distinction.

I like my house to be clean, but it doesn't consume me. However, what does consume me, what I think about all day long, and sometimes stay up at night pondering is the idea of everything having a place, and being in it's place when it needs to be. My mother-in-law and I often joke about starting a professional organization business when she retires. I would LOVE that, but I wonder if I'd be patient enough with other people while I try to help them organize their lives. I LOVE Peter Walsh, and will watch any show he is on. If you don't know who that is, nevermind. :)
In a more practical way, that means that every closet, in every bedroom of our house, has a closet organizer (that is more than a bar and a shelf) in it. Within said closet, everything is folded in a way in which to make the viewing of clothing pleasant, and the storage of said clothing a more efficient use of space. Hanging items are color coordinated and hung accordingly. When we moved into this house, I wouldn't let anyone put anything in our "storage" room until I had first purchased and installed the approriate shelving, and then items were brought in in a specific manner and labeled well.

I make lists like they are my job, and my calendar is both functional and beautiful as I often draw pictures along with the words to signify exciting events. :) I like order, simplicity, and beauty, even in the mundane. I'm not a decorator, but I like life to be as "uncluttered" as possible.

Right now life is chaos at our home, or at least it feels like it to me. The basement is torn apart and is in various stages of rebuilding. Everything that once was in the playroom, is now in my completely non-functional storage room or upstairs. Ezra and Ki have a kids table and matching chairs in the their already cramped bedroom, there are baby clothes Brooklynn has outgrown in the living room, and there is a chop saw and piles of sawdust in the center of my laundry room. Nevermind the dilemna of having 7 people in your house and a less than well functioning laundry room, I feel overwhelmed. I know that is my little ADD brain trying to process all the added stimuli, but nevertheless, I am overwhelmed.

So tonight, I ordered pizza. It's not "pizza night" (that's Friday's here) and it probably wasn't in the budget, but I ordered pizza. When we were done clearing the table and running the dishwasher I suddenly felt like it was all managable again. I cleaned where I could, put things away that still had places to go, and rearranged the rest to make it feel a little less insane around here. I guess I'm not sure what my confession is... either that I am completely nuerotic, or that pizza fixes everything... :) I'm hoping to have it all put back together in a few weeks, and I know I can handle just about anything for a few weeks. ha ha ha!

#23

Today's confession? I'm struggling. We found out yesterday that the judge has decided the kids will stay with us for 45 more days, and then will return to their mom and have a Families First worker assigned to them. It's all really bittersweet. Since Cody quit his job with COOR ISD, and the church will not be able to pay us enough to pay our bills, it is a relief to know there will be 3 fewer people to care for. As far as time management, laundry, cleaning, disciplining, ease of travel, etc. everything becomes exponentially easier. I am thankful, that the judge thinks their mom is making progress. I worry about whether or not they will be cared for they way I care for them, but I also know how happy the kids will be to be back with their mom. I have no idea how Brooklynn will adjust because she's so young and I can't explain it to her. The struggle is in the conflict of all those emotions... fear, relief, worry, anticipation, etc. but also...
Ya know when you give 2 weeks notice on a job? It doesn't matter how much you loved or hated that job, the last two weeks are miserable. Why? Because it's hard to walk back into something you know is ending and give it your best. You know someone else is about to come in and do your job in their way, and suddenly you think, "why bother?" So, this morning I woke up to a sweet yet screaming baby who was woken up by brothers jumping off their bunk beds squealing at 6:30am and who had smeared poop into the carpet in their bedroom and all over the bedding. And I thought... "remind me why again Lord?" It doesn't help that Ki has strep and I've been sick for the last 5 days. I just want to lay on the couch snuggling him all day. Add in a basement under construction (thereby doing away with our playroom and forcing children to be on top of me all day long) and I'm already a grouch. So... if you are one of the 2 people who read this, please pray for us as we navigate this next month and a half. I desire to be the best I can be for these little ones, and I want to leave them with a strong sense of who God is and how much He loves them... and my current attitude is probably not going to lead to those outcomes. Thanks. :)

#22

I did NOT watch the Grammy's last night. Haven't watched them in years... because even though I'd like to, my husband thinks they're lame, and SOMEHOW he ALWAYS wins that battle. I must not care about watching them as much as I think I do. ;)

#21

I am having a ridiculously non-productive week. Although I wake up each morning with fabulously large intentions, I am fizzle-ing out quite early in the day. I don't know what my deal is except that I feel... "off." It doesn't help that Brooklynn has decided to wake up at 6:30am the past 3 days instead of 9:30 or 10am. I am MUCH more productive when she's asleep, ha ha ha! I would blame it all on her, but she's too precious for that and yesterday afternoon when she and Jayden took their naps and Ki, Jordan and Ezra were at school, I decided to nap too. And last night when they were all in bed and Cody and I were watching TV, I decided to just sit instead of fold the 3 loads of laundry sitting in the room. If you know how to break this funk, enlighten me please!!!

#20

This weekend my mom and dad, aunts and uncles, and one cousin, are coming "up north" to help renovate my basement. I have a nice basement, don't get me wrong, but we are doing a MAJOR overhaul. We had some money that we HAD to use on home improvements (it's a tax thing) so we've decided to build Cody a home office... and since we're framing up new walls anyway, we're going to also add a 4th bedroom. The new office means Cody will finally have a dedicated space for working on stuff for Praxis Church, instead of having only his lap and a seat in our family room. Hopefully this will prove to be very beneficial and increase productivity and creativity for him. The 4th room will mean that we can finally give Brooklynn a bedroom of her own and reclaim our room as ours. If the foster situation proves to be less long term than we anticipate, we figure it'll make a nice guest room (since my parents currently end up on an air mattress in the family room when they visit). In addition to all the wall building, they will be installing a bunch of recessed lighting, running duct work for heat in the new rooms, and drywalling the new walls as well as the ceiling!!! The lights and ceiling mean that here where we spend 75% of our year indoors thanks to winter, we'll have a light bright airy space for the kids to play! YAY! In addition, all this free "labor" means it's actually crazy cheap to do! Who knew building walls could cost so little?

So my confession??? I am RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED!!! and SO SO GRATEFUL!

#19

It's been a while, and- it turns out- thinking of 30 random confessions is fairly difficult. I'm thinking my life is a lot less interesting than I thought... and I thought it was fairly boring. Still no news on Keagan, we're all still praying.

So today's confession? In all my years of teaching, one thing I know for certain is that 7 year old boys are EXTREMELY annoying to me. It's a phenomena that has always held my curiosity, and I am sad to report that my otherwise hilariously endearing and adorable 6 1/2 year old will be 7 at the end of February and is already showing signs of "the change." This might be a LONG year. ;)

#18

There are days when I desire to encourage my husband with a "go get 'em", "you can do it", "be uber productive", "stay focused" type speech. I refrain because somewhere deep inside I fear that by the end of the day I will have revealed myself as a hypocrite. ;)

#17

I LOVE the fact that Ezra and Ki are snugglers. It drives Cody insane that they both feel like they need to be touching us at all times (Cody enjoys hugs and snuggles, but in general prefers a little more space), but I feel like a colossal success each and every time they crawl up in my lap, or ask for a hug out of the blue, or complain that we haven't snuggled enough at the end of the day. And although I am sure it will lesson with time, I am desperately praying they never tire of random hugs for, and/or from mom. :)