Compromise

Yesterday I was watching the Oprah show and I grew more and more frustrated as marriage was discussed. In a nutshell, the guests, and Oprah herself, believed that it is hard (almost impossible) to be true to yourself and be married. All mentioned the idea of "losing yourself" or your "identity" in order to become a better spouse or mother- that this is some sort of lie that women are told that should no longer exist in today's society. They actually called for a revolution- said that women need to hold on to who they are and not change for the sake of a spouse or children. I think they've been fed a lie.

If you've read my first post, you know that I wholeheartedly embrace the concept of authenticity in relationship. So let's be realistic... are any of us so perfect that everything about us, pre-relationship, needs to be guarded so completely that we neglect relationship? Is becoming someone other than who you once were so terrible? Can any of us look back and say unequivocally that we should never have changed anything about our past self? To believe that in single life and independence we somehow have a perfect understanding of ourselves is naive. To assume that being with someone else in a committed marital relationship would somehow "chip away at who we really are" is cowardly.

Dr. Robin (one of the guests) did say that the only way to have a successful marriage was to dwell in truth. To really be who you really are. To be fully present with each other, instead of being who you think your spouse wants you to be. I whole-heartedly agree. That said, what's wrong with letting parts of yourself go? If you are open to it, you may be surprised with the things that fill that space. There may be pieces of yourself, passions and interests that you never knew you had.

I'm not suggesting we compromise on the non-negotiables in life. If you have a strong faith, obviously that is not something worth losing for the sake of someone else. However, where you live may not be as important as who you're with. Maybe you decide to stay home with your children for a time, even though your job gives you a feeling of importance and success. Maybe you stay home more evenings than you go out because it makes your spouse happy- even though you'd rather be out there with other people most of the time. Maybe you start saying "no" when people call to ask you to head up one more committee or join one more community organization, even though you care very much about those particular things. If you do, you may find, over time, that your old job was the source of unnecessary stress in your life, that your home has more order, and that- unexpectedly- you take a great amount of pride in the fact that your family can depend on you to be cheerful in their presence, instead of rushed. That raising your children and being there for all of their minor and major successes is more fulfilling than that promotion you so desperately desired. That the time off has clarified what you really desire to do when you return to the work force and gives you time to pursue the necessary education to go after that new job. Maybe, after a few weeks of boredom, you start to enjoy the time at home. Maybe home starts to become a haven from the craziness of the week and time there begins to fill your emotional reservoir, so that soon you find yourself wanting to give more to others, you are so energized. Eventually, you may even begin inviting others over on a regular basis, fulfilling your need for interaction, and your spouses need to be at home... not to mention blessing those who enter your home and feel refreshed by your hospitality and care for them. Maybe when you say "no" for the first time you will feel liberated from the constant need to please those around you. Maybe you will embrace the fact that their opinion of you doesn't matter, then your concern can rest in how God views you, and you can find peace in His grace. At some point you may become more wise in your decision making and may choose more worthy investments of your time, giving 110% in each activity, knowing you have not spread yourself too thin. How many of us miss unexpected aspects of ourselves because we are sure we know who we "really are", and what we "really" want? How many allow the fear of "losing ourselves" hinder us from trying something out of character? What would happen if we embraced the idea of putting others before ourselves, all the while being authentic as we go through the process. Maybe you try something and it doesn't work out for the better. If we're being authentic with those around us, it will not be hard to back track and try something else. Is what we may lose better than what we might gain? Can we be certain without taking a step in faith?

First Post

First time:
I have never posted a blog before. In fact, until recently, I had never read a blog... didn't really know what one was. When contemplating a name for this site all I could think of was how desperately I desire to be a part of something real and meaningful, to experience authentic community the way God intended. I'm not sure a blog was what He had in mind, but here I go anyway.

My life is not exciting. There are moments that I feel exhilarated, but they seem to be few and far between. Don't get me wrong, I have joy in my life, and I like where I am, it's just a little lacking in adventure. Do you ever feel that tension? Knowing you should be happy with all you are blessed with, and yet craving something more? Risk, victory, invention, passion, surprise...etc. I seem to always be returning to that place, and most times I feel I am surrounded by people who don't understand the depth to which these desires drive me. I am a dreamer by nature and I live in a realistic society.

My life demands a realistic approach- I am a wife and a mother and I take both responsibilities very seriously- so dinner needs to be made, clothes washed, our home cleaned etc. I am overly aware of all the "real" things in life. Still, I desire time to cultivate depth in friendships, greater intimacy with my husband, and meaningful investments in my children. When I express this to those around me I feel like I am some kind of freak, and yet I believe at the core of my being, that these are the "real" things in life.

Who has time to really know the heart and soul of their friends instead of swapping the latest stories about children, engaging in meaningless gossip, and sharing the events of the past week? Who wants to dig deeper with your spouse and truly know each other in a way that leaves you craving more intimacy on a daily basis? Who has the energy to do more than wrangle your kids, get them fed, dressed, bathed, entertained, and in bed- to instead daily invest in their emotional well-being, listening to their hearts, sharing snuggly moments with a book, singing songs together, acting silly, etc. Most people in my life think my expectations for intimacy are unrealistic and impossible. I have to believe they are wrong, if I didn't, I might as well wither up.

I believe that God created us to be relational people. That everything we do is driven by a need to be in authentic relationship, or in a misguided attempt to avoid authentic relationships. At the dawn of creation Adam and Eve experienced relational perfection, as a couple, and with God. Since the fall, all of humanity has been trying to regain that pefection, to restore broken relationships- with God and man. So am I so crazy to recognize this and seek it with all that I am?

I want messy relationships... real and unfiltered...committed despite flaws...come as you are mentality...exposed to the point of discomfort... until at some point, its as if we've found an oasis in the midst of a fake and guarded society... knowing we have found a few places in which we can be truly authentic with each other and God. Knowing that we are beginning to taste life as it was meant to be.