Keagan #15

For those who have been praying for Keagan, here's the Reader's Digest version of what's going on with my 9 year old nephew (as I understand it).

A month or so ago, Keagan started having some fairly severe headaches. About that time he also started having some trouble with his eyes. As most people would, we assumed he might be needing glasses. The problems continued to increase, to the point where he was seeing double frequently and normal levels of light were painful to him. Apparently, Keagan had already had a recent eye exam, so my sister took him to the pediatrician this past Monday. When the dr. looked in his eyes, he immediately said Keagan needed to see an opthamologist and get in for a cat scan. The opthamologist confirmed this on Tuesday morning and said that Keagan's right eye was protruding about 6mm farther forward than his left. This would seem to indicate that something was behind the eye pushing it out. He went in for his cat scan and the doctors saw that there was a cyst on his petuitary gland. Wednesday morning he went in for an MRI and we waited for the results. Friday morning the doctor called my sister at work and said she needed to get Keagan out of school and take him to the hospital immediately for a spinal tap. When they arrived, she was told that Keagan had multiple grey areas in his brain that were "irregular". Apparently the myelin sheath surrounding the nerve endings in his brain is sloughing off. For the moment they are treating this with steroids, but they are waiting on test results from Mayo Clinic to verify the actual problem. At this point, doctors think it is probably one of 3 things...
1. A.D.E.M. (acute disseminated encephalomyelitis) which is rare and only 6-10 people a year are diagnosed with it in the United States. He is not presenting with enough of the symptoms to know if that's what it is, but that is what they are treating him for at the moment.
2. M.S. - Equally rare because he is so young for an onset of MS.
3. Cerebral Palsy- Even more rare because he hasn't shown symptoms prior to now.

We should hear back from Mayo by next weekend, and Keagan is scheduled for another MRI at the end of this month. This morning Keagan was back in the ER with a severe migraine, and when they admitted him they found that his heart rate was half of what it should have been. They don't really know why that happened, but once he stabilized they sent him back home.

We would appreciate all your prayers as the doctors seek to determine what is going on with his little body. Thank you in advance!

#14

Late again, I know. Lots of family drama this weekend, which I will elaborate on in the next post, I promise. However, I did make this commitment and I will try to honor it.

Today's confession? I care too much what other people think. I'd like to think I don't, but I do. Some aspects of this are annoying but not troublesome, for instance... when I'm with friends who dress preppy, I try to dress preppy. When I'm with friends who don't care, I'm in jeans and a t-shirt, when I'm with family or friends from college I can't wait to pull out the pajama bottoms. That's annoying, but not cause for concern, I think most of us do that to some extent.

However, I have some friends who are super spiritual... and when I'm with them, I feel like I'm lacking. It makes me want to read the Bible more and have deep theological discussions. I have other friends who are super popular types, and I end up feeling like a big dork. I want to watch the really "in" tv shows and buy myself a new wardrobe, and be one of those girls who spend significant time trying to look good. Then I have other friends who are all earthy and artistic, who rip on people like the ones I just mentioned, and I want to deny the fact that there are parts of me that like pop culture and enjoy being a little preppy. I want to be more cutting edge and think outside of the box more instinctively. None of these responses are bad in and of themselves except for the fact that they are bred out of insecurity and not a sense of who I am in Christ. I'm working on it.

I'm hoping my 30's breed a greater sense of self than my 20's did. I know it's really all a God thing.

#13 a day late

So I totally forgot to do this yesterday... oops!

So yesterday's confession? I REALLY like my husband. I mean REALLY REALLY... I know people say that, but I REALLY do. Since we're here at my parents' house, and (unlike home) there are more than 2 restaurants to choose from, we took advantage of the free babysitting and went on a date! WOO! HOO! Granted, we waited til all the kids were in bed, and not much is open at 9:30pm on a Thursday night (not even any late movies), but we made the most of it. We went to Carrabas for dinner, and then just drove around talking for a while. It was nice to get away and have grown-up conversation without children interrupting or the weight of household or work responsibilities encroaching on us. We haven't been on a date since our anniversary in December, and that one we spent in a mad dash to get Christmas shopping done. I'm not sure we've had any other dates since Nov. 2nd when we added the foster kids to the mix. Up until that point we were pretty faithful with our weekly date night, so this has been quite a drought. So, last night I came home knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I REALLY like my husband. :) And if this foster situation does not become something permanent, one bright spot is that my weekly date nights will probably resume. And that's something I can smile about. ;)

#12

So today I did 7 loads of laundry, went grocery shopping, took two kids to preschool, packed up 6 members of the family for our 4 day stint in Portage, paid a few bills, tracked down a dvd payer for the car, emailed the dogsitter, and a few more things. All this between 6am and 5pm.

My confession? I did absolutely nothing to bond with my kids today... other than buying some Twizzlers to surprise them with during the car ride. I believe I said "not right now" and "I just don't have time for that today" more times today than I have in the past month, maybe longer. :(
Gonna have to make up for that tomorrow.

#11

Today we celebrate 9 months since the launch of Praxis Church!!! Seems insane, but last Easter morning we woke up and (along with the excitement Easter always brings) had no idea how to feel. It had only been a few weeks since we had officially left our previous ministry job, and we had fully intended to be having some sort of small group type thingy in our home. One thing led to another and we thought, "why not rent one of the local town halls for Easter and just see what happens?" 41 people came to that first gathering and 2 people made committments to God! :) So we started meeting every other week and the rest is history, er... um... is the beginning of our history.
So my confession is... in the depths of my soul I have known for a LONG time, that God designed my husband for this. For a church that's stripped of everything superficial, that's not polished, but is totally inviting. That is about loving, being real, and creating together. Where you can come as you are and humor/fun is woven into the fabric of everything. He never believed it about himself, I'm not convinced he does even now, but he has found his sweet spot, and I couldn't be happier for him. And in case he's reading this, I'd just like to say, "I told you so!" ;)

Confession #10... I've never...

Ever played the game "I've never"? It came up in conversation the other day and I've been debating making it one of my posts... in an effort to remain transparent with whomever is reading, here goes...

I've never smoked an entire cigarette or cigar.
I've never been skiing. Not downhill, not cross-country, not water.
I've never been drunk.
I've never been on a snowmobile (yup and I live in northern Michigan).
I've never had sex outside of marriage.
I've never bleached any hair on my face... sorry brown haired girlfriends!
I've never used any drugs (unless you count vicodin when I had kidney stones... ha ha ha).
I've never been good at managing my temper or my words.
I've never had braces (legs or teeth).
I've never gotten the tattoo that I want (or any other tattoo).
There's more, but I'm drawing a blank.

On the flip side:
I have tried smoking both cigarettes and cigars, it didn't appeal to me.
I've been sledding, and tubing, and hiking.
I do drink, but I don't like beer, or anything that actually tastes like alchohol. Basically, if it's fruity I'll probably like it.
I like four-wheeling, although I don't get to do it as often as I'd like.
Although Cody's my "one and only"- I still have lots of past relationship regrets. If I only could have known then what I know now.
I do tweeze my eyebrows. ;)
I had an epidural during the last 4 hours of labor with Ezra. In my defense, (for those of you who think I need one) I went into labor Saturday night, and Ezra was born Thursday afternoon... contractions about 1 minute apart the entire time.
No flip side for the anger or tendency to talk to much.
No braces, but in 4th and 5th grade I had a retainer called a "Frankle" that did nothing for my teeth, but was supposed to move my lower jaw forward and correct a slight overbite. Since I never wore it, I'm fairly sure it didn't work. :D
I am planning to get that tattoo soon... just having a hard time knowing how to find a good tattoo artist. I'm too anal to risk getting a crappy tattoo.

Anything you've "never" done?

Confession #9

Sometimes I let kids sit in stinky diapers an extra 15-20 minutes so I can keep reading stuff on facebook. Feel free to judge. ;)

#8

Confession #8... if I had the time I would have sent this as a message to each and every one of my facebook and email friends... that's how much I love it! For a closer look, click on the pic!

(special thanks to Sara Luke of Less Ordinary Designs for designing it! www.etsy.com/shop/lukecommasara )

Confession #6

Um... Sunday morning my husband challenged the people attending Praxis to read the New Testament together over the next 30 days. I thought this was awesome, and totally agreed to join in. Today is day #4 of the challenge, and I am already 3 days behind. Impressive, I know.

Confession #5

Confession #5:
I am an ooey gooey, embarrassingly hopeless, romantic... but in less than conventional ways. I don't read romance novels, I don't love all things "victorian", I don't appreciate pinks and florals, I don't like the movie "Gone With the Wind" (although the book is to die for),etc. However, most chick flicks will strike my fancy... as long as the man is a man's man and not too sugar coated. Also, I believe in love at first sight and soul mates--- no matter what my cynical husband might say about that. ;)
More than that, I am a champion of the irresistible "only in the movies" kind of love. I get absolutely sick to my stomach when I know someone is about to "settle" for something comfortable or familiar. I think we sell ourselves short because we're afraid of being alone. I know, I almost went there. I am so thankful the hopeless romantic in me couldn't be silenced and never lost hope that there could be something... well... more. Someday Cody should probably thank me for that... ha ha ha!
On a spiritual level, I wonder if God ever thinks I'm settling? He wants to have this completely intense, totally passionate relationship with me, and I sit here thinking, "yeah, I'm finally comfortable right where I am. This is nice. Not fantastic, but dependable and safe." He must hate that more than I do.
On a completely non-spiritual level, (and maybe this is an even bigger confession) when I'm watching Days of Our Lives (yup, I said it!) I never know whether I want Sammy and EJ to be together; because I like her with the new guy (Rafe) but I just can't shake the feeling that what she and EJ have is that undeniable kind of love. And I want that for him...and for her. Sick, I know. And just in case you're wondering how I find time for a soap, I DVR it. And I justify my behavior by watching it on nights when kids are in bed and Cody's at a meeting. And I fold laundry while I watch, somehow making it less of a waste of my time... ha ha ha!

Green with Envy

Sometimes I am jealous of my dog. There are many things I could envy about his life... the lack of stress, ability to nap whenever he feels like it, the fact that someone else prepares all of his meals and cleans up after him...

But the thing I envy the most? When he needs to "relieve" himself, he goes outside and no one follows him. No matter how long he takes, he gets to be alone for all of it. No little ones wanting to tell him a story, or asking him to break up a fight or solve a quarrel, he just goes in peace. I could use a little of that. I'm just sayin'...

Confession #3- Babies...

I don't like babies. It's true, and horrifying to some of you. Others have known this about me for quite some time. When Ezra was born I assumed it would all be euphoric and wonderful, and it was at times, but I also had this nagging sense that I wasn't loving it the same way some of my friends were. Having been on bedrest, I was battling a ridiculous amount of fatigue and within 6 weeks I was back to teaching 5th graders, so I assumed my lack of... um... "euphoria"... had it's reasons. Cody however, was very vocal about the fact that he was CERTAIN he was NOT a "baby person." How can men be so sure of things like that?

After prayer and research, we decided to pursue an INFANT adoption next (I know, right?). When we brought Ki home he was 4 days old, and it was wonderful for a time. However, about 2 months into it all, I knew I loved both my boys with my whole heart- and then some, but I also knew (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that I was NOT a "baby person" either. Cody and I promised each other, "no more babies."

So imagine my surprise 4 years later, when (after pursuing adoption through the foster care system this time around) we found ourselves with 3 more children... a 4 year old, a 3 year old, and a BABY! Seriously God?!? Although, as I've said a million times now, if you HAD to have a baby, Brooklynn's the baby you'd want. She's practically perfect at all times and couldn't be easier if she tried. Tonight however, she's crying and cutting another tooth. So as I look forward to a very long night I can't help but think... "I am SO NOT A BABY PERSON!"

God's teaching me something, I know He is, but I'll need a little more sleep if I'm gonna have the energy or clarity to figure it out. ;)

(additional little confession... I am writing tomorrow's post tonight, but setting it to pop up for everyone else tomorrow)

Old School

Okay, random confession #2... my favorite Will Smith song of all time is not from one of his albums, it's from the TV show The Fresh Prince of Bellaire (yup, I watched it, regularly). I'm sure it doesn't have a title, because his character is just making it up while trapped in a basement with his girlfriend (his girlfriend who's pulling off her fake nails and taking out her weave).
It goes:
"I'm stuck in a basement sitting on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. Goin' out of my mind I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers..." ha ha ha!

What makes it even more great is that when I was dating Cody I randomly broke out the first line of the song, and he threw out the second line... should have known then that he was the one. ;) We still throw it around from time to time, usually when we're stuck somewhere or extremely bored.

Anyone remember this one?

Wishful Thinking...

So, I am going to attempt 30 days of authenticity. Each day I will post something odd, and honest, and we'll see where the month takes us. :) All will be short because life is too insane for long posts. Some will be funny (I hope) and some will be deep (probably) and others might just be too much information. Consider yourself forewarned... ;)

So, I'll start with the most shocking thing I can think of at this particular moment...
This morning when I woke up and was getting into the shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and for a split second I wished I was pregnant. Not because I want to be pregnant, or because I want another baby, but because then I'd have a good excuse for the excess weight in my mid-section. Yup... I did. AND... it's not the first time I've had that thought. ;)

PRIMAL

So a few weeks ago I was asked to participate in a "blog tour" of Mark Batterson's new book, "Primal." If you remember, last year at this time I was singing the praises of his book, "Wild Goose Chase," so I was super excited to receive an advanced copy of his latest writing venture. So far, I have not been disappointed. :)
I say "so far," because I am not finished with the book. To be perfectly honest, I am only half way through chapter 4. Although it is a quick read, there's a lot to chew on, and I'm trying to take my time. Couple that with 5 children under the age of 6, Christmas, family events, a church plant, etc. and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. However, I did say I would blog about my take on the book, and that I would do it this week, so here goes...
In an effort to save time, and keep at least one eye on the little boys wrestling on the living room floor at the moment and a baby who is grunting in a way that makes me think a diaper change is looming, I'm just going to use bullets to share the parts of the book I underlined (meaning I agree, they struck a chord, or I wanna think more about them). I will, asap, write a more thorough review, but hopefully this will give you a taste.
Chapter 1:

• "I couldn't help but wonder if we have diluted the truths of Christianity and settled for superficialities. I couldn't help but wonder if we have accepted a form of Christianity that is more educated but less powerful, more civilized but less compassionate, more acceptable but less authentic than that which our spiritual ancestors practiced."
• "The heart of Christianity is primal compassion. The soul of Christianity is primal wonder. The mind of Christianity is primal curiosity. The strength of Christianity is primal energy."
• "Go back to that place where God opened your eyes and broke your heart with compassion for others. Go back to that place where the glory of God flooded your soul and left you speechless with wonder. Go back to the place where thoughts about God filled your mind with holy curiosity. Go back to that place where a God-given dream caused a rush of adrenaline that filled you with supernatural energy." (just fyi... my "place" for most of these is Somerset Beach Campground)

Chapter 2:

• "If you are in Christ, and Christ is in you, you cannot be okay with suffering or injustice or starvation. Why? Because His heart is in you. And His heart beats for the suffering, the victim, the poor, and the needy."
• "Have you ever experienced a sympathy breakthrough? A moment when your inclination to hate was overcome by your will to love? A moment when proactive compassion overrode reactive anger? A moment when you cared more about someone else's pain than your own? Those are the moments when you recapture parts of your soul that you have lost. Those are the moments when you learn what it really means to love God with all your heart."
• "...compassion is always the right reaction."
• "Let me ask you a question: what will kill you if you don't do it? What makes you glad or sad or mad? What puts a holy smile on your face? What causes your spirit to sob uncontrollably? What makes you pound your fists on the table out of righteous indignation? Somewhere in the mixture of that gladness, sadness and madness is your God-ordained passion. Or maybe I should say compassion, because you are feeling what God feels. And once you identify it, doing something about it isn't optional. You can't not do something about it."

That's where I'll end for today, the baby smell and wrestling require my attention. I wish I could afford to buy 100 copies and give them to everyone attending Praxis Church as a Christmas present, because I believe if we were all got "Primal" in our faith at the same time, amazing things would happen! I can't, so I will say this, if your interest is peaked, click on the title of this post and it will take you to a site where you can buy it for yourself.

I'll try to post again tomorrow. I'll be praying that you find something primal in your life today... something stripped of all the excess and reminiscent of how it all began. Something pure, that brings you joy... GREAT JOY!

Until then...

continuation...

Sorry 'bout the last post, but it kind of illustrated what I was trying to say... not enough time... or focus.

This past weekend I went to Traverse City to meet up with one of my good friends from high school and college. She was staying there for a media specialists convention and wondered if I might be up for a "girls night out!" Oh yeah! Cody told me to take the opportunity and stay an extra night at the hotel by myself. He thought I might enjoy some time to re-group and breathe just a bit. I needed it... I know I did. But somehow, after a day away from my husband and kids, I just wanted to be home. I knew when I left that I needed to get some intense one-on-one time with God and figure out where I'm headed, where I'd like to be headed, where God wants me headed, and how to get where I should be going. Did that make sense? Anyway, after parting ways with Rachel, I finished the last of my to-do list, and then drove to a scenic overlook on the bay, pulled out my Bible and a notepad, and attempted to make the time I've been missing. I made goals for 4 main areas of my life (all of them overlap incessantly, but oh well): spiritual, relational, physical, and personal. Each goal had 2 or 3 action steps.

What I realized as I processed was that I haven't been taking care of myself. I think that we are supposed to put others before ourselves, don't get me wrong, that's scriptural... but it says, "before" ---not to "ignore" yourself. When I am drained, I do not respect my husband the way I should. When I am tired, I do not respond to my children from the well-spring of love I have for them, but rather from the ragged edges of my last nerve. When I am overweight and generally unhealthy I do not treat myself with kindness or confidence. When all of the above overwhelm me, time alone with God becomes one more thing on the "to-do" list, instead of a welcome respite in my day. I say all this because I think its what women do... moms especially. I think it's the way we are most vulnerable. We get so busy taking care of everyone, that... eventually... we can't take care of anyone. All because we don't slow down long enough to take care of ourselves. To reflect on who we are, who we desire to be, and delight in our Savior who loving agrees to guide us along the way.

Much to my dismay, I spent my entire day today in bed. I have this inner ear vertigo thing that happens once every 6 months or so. I wake up raring to start the day, and then the room spins uncontrollably (like a head rush that doesn't stop), I start to feel like I'm going to vomit, and I wind up back in bed. I'm unable to sit up, open my eyes, or even talk for fear of more spinning and vomiting. I take some motion sickness meds, lay in the dark for the next 8 hours, and finally around dinnertime am able to eat a little, sit a little, and talk a little. Eventually, I feel fine, but weak.... that's where I am now.

And what did I learn today? Everything went fine without me. Don't get me wrong, I have a phenomenal husband who took a sick day and handled everything...and he did have his share of "what should I do about________?" questions, but it went fine without me. And maybe that's the point. I CAN take time for myself. It WILL benefit everyone in the long run, and it'll be okay for short bursts of time without me.
So... now I'm a "yes mom" who takes "me time." :) At least that's one of my new goals. Thought I'd put it out there to hold myself more accountable... and because I like to ramble on needlessly when I write. ;)

Not Enough Time

wow, it has been too long... (and this post probably will be too) and in the interest of authenticity, I don't really even want to write right now. The crazy thing is that I've been "intending" to write for some time and I keep putting it off. Today, out of the blue, I've had 2 comments on old posts. Strange. I'm taking it as a sign that I just need to do it.

I'm not sure if anyone else is in this position (although I'm willing to bet more than a few are) but I just don't have enough time. I feel like life has been in hyper-mode for a few months now and the cumulative effect is becoming a bit too much, on EVERY level.
Ezra is in first grade now (and no, he did NOT start the year with a mohawk... maybe next time I cut his hair), and Malaki started preschool 3 mornings a week. I should be "doing the happy dance and feelin' the flow" with all this extra alone time, but as is my style I have found ways to fill the time. Both boys are adjusting well to their new environments and continue to amaze me with their abilities to make friends with so little effort. Is it because they're males? Or kids? I don't know, but I envy them.

Ki turned 4 yesterday and I can NOT stress to you how much I HATE the 4th birthday. It happened with Ezra, and now with Ki, but something less than magical happens on birthday number 4 that changes my adorable little toddlers into equally adorable but significantly older seeming little boys. We had a wonderful time celebrating him, and I found myself thanking God almost once every 5 minutes or so for His hand leading Ki to us through adoption. I could not adore him more if I tried, and my heart aches to think there was ever a chance he wouldn't end up as my child. It sounds crazy given how much I disliked being pregnant with Ezra (love Ezra, just hated pregnancy) but I actually find myself mourning those lost 9 months with Ki. Anyway, he got an MP3 player and although I thought he was a little too young for it, he has done a great job taking care of it (yes I know it's only been one day) and has been thoroughly entertained for the last hour just listening to his tunes. Right now I can hear him singing, "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord... You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God, You do not faint, You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak, You comfort those in need, You lift us up on wings like eagles..." and just in case you think we're overly impressive or overly churchy... the song before that was "Sherry" by Frankie Valli. tee! hee!

Now my little ADD brain is struggling to find my train of thought while he sings...

gonna have to come back to this later... sorry. ;)

PRAXIS update

Just wanted to encourage you to check out our new church website!
www.createpraxis.com

"Yes" Mom

So, I was challenged the other day by another mom to become a "yes" mom. I've been thinking about it a lot since then. The idea is that many times as moms we say "no" to something without really thinking about our reasoning. Sometimes I say no because I don't want to deal with the mess the proposed activity will create (ie. painting, playdough, putting the hose in the sandbox to make mud-castles, etc.). Sometimes I say no because of the time involved ("mom, will you read me this book?"- when its a 150 page novel), and sometimes I say no because of the extra work it will add to my already busy day ("mom, can I have a friend over to play?"- then of course there's extra food to make, a friend to go pick up, another mom to call and coordinate with, etc.). How many times do I say "no" with completely selfish motives? ouch. Don't get me wrong, there are totally appropriate times to say no... I'm just realizing that those times are far less frequent than I think.... and that I can be really selfish. So, I am going to try being more of a "yes" mom. I'm going to try to evaluate my motives BEFORE giving an answer, and I'm putting it out there for you to read because I want to feel accountable.

The above pictures are an example of a small step in the right direction. This was Ezra's last day of kindergarten, and he asked me to cut his hair to look like his daddy's. I wasn't totally sold on the idea, but I figured, it's just hair. So we buzzed it with a 1 guard and I felt happy to have given him something he wanted. Unfortunately, he cried because he had been hoping I would bic it the way daddy does. :) Since I don't plan on shaving his head with a razor (he would never sit still enough and I'm terrified he'd end up with a sunburned skull) it'll have to do. This morning he told me he wants a mohawk the 1st day of first grade... ;)

Also, I wish I had a photo of the tent we built to hide their bunk bed... I'm glad I didn't go with my gut response to that question... hours of fun for everyone! :)

So, "Just say 'YES!'" and if you hear me say "no" for no good reason, hit me. :)

our life in a nutshell

We've had lots of "events" lately, and I know I am doing a terrible job of keeping the blog up-to-date... in an attempt to make up for it, here's a summary of our most recent actvities...

• Ezra finished kindergarten and asked to spend the day golfing with daddy to celebrate--- Cody was happy to humor him. :)
• Grandma and Grandpa Gascho bought 100 chicks, and we are attempting to help raise them... I'm wondering/worried about how the boys will react when it's time to take them to the butcher. I'm looking forward to the less expensive, organic, free range chicken this year... I guess I need to buy a freezer though.
  
• The boys both played soccer this spring and it was hilarious. Ezra's getting pretty good for his age, and Ki... well, whenever the grass wasn't more interesting, he did fairly well. tee! hee!
• I downloaded Skype yesterday so we can chat with friends who are far away... haven't used it yet. I'm hoping to get my parents using it.
• Our foster care license FINALLY came through! We are now just waiting for a call...
• Praxis continues to go well, and we continue to be exhausted and prayerful. Trying to discern God's will for us as we pursue this adventure.
• We had our first campfire of the year tonight... mmmmm... smores....
• My children are hooked on "Deadliest Catch." Ezra can name all the boats, their captains, and some crew members. I'm just thankful he hasn't asked why there's so much beeping when the men are talking. ;)
• Ki is obsessed with the Styx song, "Mr. Roboto" and has an impressive robot dance to go with it.

I'm sure there's more, but I can hear Cody snoring in the next room and I can't think of anything else at the moment. Hope all is well with all of you!