Authenticity

It's Been a While

2012-01-28T00:42:00.003-05:00

Wow... it's been months since I last posted. I've been struggling with how to write and what to write, and in the end decided it was best not to write. If you remember what we were talking about last, then you will probably notice that those posts are gone. There are new guidelines in place in the foster care system that prohibit me from sharing our journey in a public forum like this. While I technically never shared any identifying information regarding our current placement, it was in the best interest of all involved to remove all posts related to this process.

So... what to write when life's current journey is off limits? I have no idea. Its difficult for me to feel as though anything in my life is blog worthy knowing I cannot incorporate that piece of the puzzle into it. I guess I'm a little too holistic that way.

Here's what I am learning (and I apologize for the vagueness):

Everyone walks a difficult path. Everyone.

SO many of our friends and family members have made the comment recently, "I just can't imagine being a foster parent. There would be nothing harder than saying goodbye to a child you love." I don't really know how to respond to that, except to acknowledge that this is the path God has asked us to be on for this time in our life. The reality is, I can't imagine having a spouse who goes off to war for months/years at a time. I don't ever want to know the pain of a marriage that is disintegrating despite my best efforts to save it. I can't imagine raising my children alone. I can't fathom watching a loved one die of cancer, or losing a child, or suffering a life altering injury. Yet... I have watched friends and loved ones walk all of these paths with dignity and strength and faith in a God who sustains.

We don't always choose our paths...sometimes they choose us... and when they do, we have a choice: we can run away, or we can face our fears as best we know how, and hope and pray we come out more like God on the other side.

Organizing Yourself

2011-07-26T11:31:00.003-04:00

For my second post on organizing, I'm going to refer to someone wiser than me on how to "de-clutter" YOURSELF. I follow Michael Hyatt's blog, "Intentional Leadership" (you can find it HERE) and he recently wrote a post titled, "Are You Tired of Feeling Overwhelmed?" I thought I'd share it with you as we look at removing excess from our lives. If you are not currently following his blog, you should. LOTS of great wisdom flowing out of that space on the internet.

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Over the last few months, people have asked how I am doing since leaving my CEO post at Thomas Nelson. For the most part, great. I am really enjoying this new phase of my life.

But last week, I was feeling overwhelmed. It seemed that I was spending all day, every day mired in administrative detail—responding to emails, making travel plans, and filling out expense reports. Ugh.

This the first time in more than a decade that I have been without an executive assistant. I had clearly taken this role for granted, not realizing how much it had freed me up to do what I do best.

So what to do?

At first, I decided to power through it. But that didn’t work. The tennis balls have been coming over the net faster than I can hit them. My volume of email alone has doubled in the last 90 days.

Next, I tried to enlist my wife, Gail, to help. Bad idea. She already has a full-time job as a homemaker, mom, and counselor to countless women. (After watching her in action for the last few months, I have a whole new appreciation for her!)

Finally, I decided that I had had enough. Something had to give. I needed to take a different approach if I was going to get my head above water.

I took the following seven steps:

I decided I had to make a change. This sounds almost trivial, but it is essential. Evidently, some people like being overwhelmed. They wouldn’t admit this, of course. But they thrive on stress in a perverse way. Perhaps it makes them feel important or indispensable. They may complain about their workload, but they are unwilling to do things differently. Are you ready for a change?
I identified my three high payoff activities. I asked myself, What is it that only I can do? Where do I add the most value? What is really important as opposed to merely urgent? For me, that is writing, speaking, and networking—in that order. Anything else is a waste of what I have been given. What are your high payoff activities?
I identified my three biggest productivity sinkholes. This was easy. For me, it is responding to email, booking my own travel, and meeting with acquaintances who want my advice. (As much as I’d like to do this, I am drowning in requests.) I decided I had to eliminate—or at least dramatically reduce—these activities in my life. What are your productivity sinkholes?
I spent time reviewing the productivity basics. In his book, The 4-Hour Workweek, Tim Ferriss, says that the key to productivity is elimination, automation, and delegation. Some stuff is just no longer worth doing. Other stuff can be put on auto-pilot. Most of the rest can be delegated. Have you made a list of which activities fall into which category?
I decided to do the math. Unfortunately, I had fallen into a common paradigm: I was thinking that if I could do something I should do it—myself. Balderdash! If you can make $50.00 an hour, is it a good investment for you to do tasks that you can hire done for $12.00 an hour? I don’t think so. This is not only bad math, it is bad stewardship. What do you make an hour? Could you be more financially productive if you delegated?
I hired a virtual executive assistant. I realized that I wasn’t ready for a full-time one. I wanted to take this one step at a time. Thankfully, there are scores of companies (offshore and domestic) that specialize in providing virtual assistants for as many hours as you need. I did this several years ago, and it was a positive experience. I decided to go with Miles Advisory Group. I am very impressed with their responsiveness. Have you ever considered a VA?
I am scheduling the important tasks. I know, I know, I teach this stuff. You’d think I would already have this nailed. Well, I did. More or less. But it was a completely different context, namely, CorporateWorld. Now I am having to implement the same thing in a different context. I am now scheduling my important tasks first and forcing my productivity sinkholes into small blocks of time. How much of your calendar this week is dedicated to high payoff activities?

Just going through this process has had a huge, positive impact on my attitude. Nothing has really changed yet, but I am already feeling less overwhelmed and more in control. I am ready for a change. Are you?

My Obsession

2011-07-16T00:08:00.002-04:00

I may be a bit obsessive. It's bad. So bad that those who know me well already know what I'm going to write about. I've been lovingly called, "anal" about a million times in my life- and I'm okay with that. I compulsively organize.

I like things to have a place, I like those places to make sense, and I want it all to look nice when it's finished. Lately I've been spending way too much time time on Pinterest. One of the things that keeps me so interested is all the different things people do for organization (I recently pinned a picture of plastic magazine boxes in a freezer holding all of someone's bagged freezer goods upright and orderly... how cool is that idea?!?). I've also been watching the first season of "Hoarders" on Netflix. It's an unhealthy combo folks. Today I cleaned out 3 cupboards in my kitchen, 2 drawers and a closet. It felt SO GOOD. So good that I very easily could have ignored my family and kept right on going into the wee hours of the morning. I didn't... thankfully. So here I sit, still wound up, but trying to resist the urge to purge some more and I keep rolling around something that one of the Hoarders on the TV show said, "I just don't seem to be capable of distinguishing what matters and what doesn't. I have no clue where to begin."

I doubt any of you are hoarders, but if you can resonate with that sentiment, this post is for you.

#1. Start small. Commit to cleaning out one area each day for a month (or until its finished). This could be as big as a room, or as small as one cupboard (or even one storage box or shelf). Understand your limits and make a reasonable goal for yourself. This should be a small time commitment of 10 minutes-30 minutes. Set a time and do it each day at that time (ie. baby's nap time).

#2. Have a plan for this process before you begin. Will you be selling items at a garage sale? Donating to local charities? Trashing everything unwanted? Knowing this in advance will help you sort and make decisions.

#3. Have "zones" ready. When doing a small area, I always have a trash can and a box or two on the floor next to me. If it's trash, it's immediately thrown away. If I plan to sell it, it goes in the box. If I plan to donate it, it goes in the other box. If it belongs somewhere else in my home, I call one of the kids and have them take it there immediately. ;) If that doesn't work, I start a "relocate" pile. I reuse the boxes each day until they are full, and then I immediately take all donate items to their drop off location, and seal up garage sale boxes (marked, "garage sale") and put them in our storage room.

#4. With food: If it's expired, throw it out. If no one in your home will eat it, throw it out. If there's not enough cereal in the box for a bowl and it's been sitting there almost empty for weeks... THROW IT OUT.

#5. With clothing: If you haven't worn it in a year, you should not keep it. If it doesn't look good on you, you should not keep it. If it's holey... you should not keep it (I'm talking to myself on that one...). Ladies, here's the biggie- if it's not your size, you should NOT KEEP IT. Let's be real with ourselves. We do not need "skinny clothes" reminding us of what we're not, fooling us into believing we'll wear it again someday. If someday comes, that outfit probably won't be in style anymore anyway, and buying new clothes in a tinier size will be fun. You also do not need "fat clothes" lying around daring you to gain weight again. With the exception of maternity clothing for those planning to be pregnant again, if it doesn't flatter and fit get rid of it.

#6. With "treasures": If you didn't use that holiday decoration last year, chances are you probably won't use it this year. If that nick-knack from your grandma is as important as you say it is, it should be displayed somewhere in your home, not sitting in a box in the basement. If you've been married more than 2 years and still haven't used some gift from the wedding, chances are it will still be in the box in another 2 years.

#7. With children's projects and artwork: Somethings MUST be saved (pottery, handmade books, etc.). In our home, everything else is negotiable. Very quickly I learned how much stuff a child can generate in a preschool classroom. Adorable, precious, awkwardly large stuff. We display it on the fridge for a time, then I take a really great photo of it and throw it in the trash. Yup, I trash it. Then I take all these adorable photos, upload them to a site like Snapfish and turn the collection into a book of my child's artwork. Much smaller, much more manageable, and easier to cherish and enjoy.

That's all I can think of right now, but I hope to add to this list in the coming weeks. I will also try to share some of my favorite organization tricks we use in our home. Happy organizing!

Margin

2011-05-11T09:22:00.004-04:00

I've read a LOT of articles and blogposts about margin in the past, but this morning I'm wondering what you all do with yours (and by "you all" I mean the 2 people who actually read this blog- ha ha ha).

It seems as though I haven't had much margin lately so I am trying to use it the best way I know how. Right now, Ezra and Ki are at school, and Cody's gone in a meeting. I should be showering... I REALLY should... but my spirit needs to write so here I sit. I am trying, the best way I know how, to choose the "best use of my time" over the "most pressing use of my time." It's not always possible, but when it is, that's my goal.

Some people are people-oriented and some people are task-oriented. I am the latter. It's difficult for me to sit here writing when I'm stinky (I'm telling ya, I really NEED a shower), there's unfolded laundry in baskets at my feet, my bed's not made, and there are dishes in the sink. It's completely counter-instinctive for me to choose to write at this moment, but I believe that when we make the "best use of our time" priority over the "most pressing use of our time" the first gives us fuel to accomplish the second with more efficiency and energy.

I recently started an devotional called, "Parenting By Design" through YouVersion. It's short (which is helpful these days) and always refocuses my thoughts about parenting that day. I could just as easily spend that 3 minutes reading facebook updates, but I'm finding this tiny change in use of margin to pay big dividends. I even have the app on my phone so it's always available to me when I have a moment. I'm also trying to intentionally spend 10-20 minutes a day holding my boys. I do this most of the time anyway, but when I make it intentional, I'm more apt to put down what I'm working on when they're talking, pull them up on my lap and listen fully to what they are sharing. It's not that I care more, but it definitely communicates that I'm invested in them, that they are of vital importance, and that I love to hear what they have to say. It's a small change, but it feels like something huge in our relationship.

I was thinking there were more examples, but now I'm at a loss. Maybe looking at the laundry or smelling myself has finally gotten the best of me... ;) I'd love to gather more ideas from you- maybe there are things I could do that I've never considered!

What do you do with your margin? How do you take advantage of those little pockets of time when life is flexible and you have choice about how you will use it?

Confessions of an imbalanced life

2011-03-30T10:09:00.003-04:00

Balance... that elusive dream I chase, sometimes with relentless passion, and sometimes with very little awareness...

I have none at this point in time. I'm a firm believer in the fact that there are seasons where life isn't what we want it to be, but you do your best and plow through, comforted by the fact that it is only a season. Lately, I've used this as an excuse to not push for more in my life, to be lazy, or to ease the nagging I feel when I analyze my "less than" living. At this rate, I am building habits that turn a "season" into a lifestyle.

I miss my husband. Weekly date nights disappeared when we brought home 3 foster children in November of 2009. We were one month shy of having been married 10 years and we had managed to have a weekly date night almost every week for that entire time. All our "free" babysitters kind of bailed once they met our new kids, and we couldn't really afford to pay anyone else. When we could afford to pay, we used these sitters to help us attend meetings and small groups, etc. When they left, no one really offered to step up again to watch Ezra and Ki, and we didn't really want to ask. At this point in time, once a month seems ambitious. Our last date was the day after Christmas, oh wait... we did run errands together in Gaylord for Valentine's Day. I. MISS. MY. HUSBAND.

I miss my alone time. It's been 2 years since we've had "nap time" in our home, and that was my guaranteed time alone with my thoughts each day. At first it was inconvenient but doable, over the long haul it's wearing on me in ways I didn't anticipate. Creativity is non-existent, motivation is lacking, patience is extremely low, etc. Cody has tried to help in so many ways over the past 6 months. He's taken on more household responsibilities, watched the kids so I could run errands by myself, encouraged me to do things that fill me up emotionally, but in the end, I just need regular/daily time alone, and it's not happening.

I miss God. I. MISS. GOD. This is really the crux of it all. Everything else kind of spins off of this I'm sure. Nap time was also my God time. In all honesty I have yet to find a suitable replacement time since that fell by the wayside, TWO YEARS AGO. My time with God is just as hit or miss as the time with my husband and myself. "Life" or lack thereof seems to always get in the way.

I don't want to tell you about all this... I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but I need to be accountable to change this. I need to be honest about the fact that in my interactions with people lately I'm giving advice based on what I've always believed to be true and not out of the overflow of God's spirit in me. I'm physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually exhausted and out of balance.

Have you ever been here?

Apologies for the Annoyances

2011-03-25T21:37:00.002-04:00

So... If you are my friend on facebook you have probably been annoyed lately by my posts regarding Swagbucks. I get it, really I do, and I apologize. I'd like to explain myself...

I could turn it off, but here's the deal: I LOVE Swagbucks. In the past 6 weeks I've earned $15 in gift cards at Amazon.com. My Kindle and I are loving it. :) I continue posting about it because I earn even more Swagbucks if people sign up for it using my links, and a few people have. (if you've considered it, I'm unashamedly asking you to use the link on the right of this blog to do it! please please please!!!)

So what is Swagbucks? Basically, it's a search engine of sorts. If you search using their toolbar instead of Google, you earn their "bucks" and you can then turn those bucks in for various prizes. When I started, a friend sent me the following message:

"A few tips: Definitely get the toolbar!!! ;) It's just a reminder to USE THEM for all of your searches! Instead of googling something, use the Swagbucks site to search. Every so often you'll earn swagbucks for a search. It really is just very RANDOM the bucks that you earn! Sometimes I win 3 or 4 times a day, and other times just once....but ALWAYS at least once. I've been using this for 5 days now and have over 400 Swagbucks.

If you buy a lot online, like from Target, JoAnn Fabrics, Meijer, etc....you can do it through Swagbucks and for every dollar you spend, you'll get 2 swagbucks for it! That adds up quickly too, although I haven't done it yet.

You get 1 swagdollar everyday just for having the toolbar if you choose to do that (I do), and one for doing the daily poll, and one for checking the trusted surveys. So a guarantee of 3 a day for 2 minutes of your time. If you use them to search for stuff you'd search anyway you'll start gaining quickly.

There's a Blog on the homepage that will alert you to swagcodes. There is usually a code 4-5 times a week, and sometimes several times a day! They are fun to look for and get! It's basically a random combo of letters and numbers. I copy and paste them onto the home page quickly because sometimes they expire fast. "

In addition:
For a swaggin' for dummies type explanation, click HERE. I found this site to be very helpful. :)

Anyway... Happy Swaggin'!

Quotable Quote

2011-02-20T13:50:00.002-05:00

Just read this quote by Dorothy Day. She was the founder of the Catholic Worker movement, and wrote this in her diary about why she didn't give up on the addicts and broken people she ministered to:

"Yes, I see only too clearly how bad people are. I wish I did not see it so. It is my own sins that give me such clarity. If I did not bear the scars of so many sins to dim my sight and dull my capacity for love and joy, then I would see Christ more clearly in you all. I cannot worry much about your sins and miseries when I have so many of my own. I can only love you all, poor fellow travelers, fellow sufferers. I do not want to add one straw to the burden you already carry. My prayer from day to day is that God will so enlarge my heart that I will see you all, and live with you all, in His love."

I LOVE the part that says, "I do not want to add one straw to the burden you already carry." How would that change my life? What if in every interaction we stopped and asked ourselves if we were adding to someone else's burden?

"Sun Stand Still" Review

2011-02-10T19:09:00.002-05:00

Disclaimer: I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review. (but I TOTALLY planned on buying it anyway- tee! hee!)

So, I recently read the book, "Sun Stand Still" by Steven Furtick. Last year during our "One Prayer" series at Praxis Church we watched a video message done by him and I loved it. I knew he also had a book, and I put it on my wish list. Well, thanks to the Blogging For Books program, I didn't have to wait too long (and didn't have to pay for my copy!).

The back of the book says, "If you're not DARING TO BELIEVE GOD for the impossible, you may be SLEEPING THROUGH some of the BEST PARTS of your Christian life. This book is not a Snuggie. The words on these pages will not go down like Ambien. I'm not writing to calm or coddle you. With God's help, I intend to incite a riot in your mind. Trip your breakers and turn out the lights in your favorite hiding places of insecurity and fear. Then flip the switch back on so that God's truth can illuminate the divine destiny that may have been lying dormant inside you for years. In short, I'm out to activate your audacious faith. To inspire you to ask God for the impossible. And in the process, to reconnect you with your God-sized purpose and potential. -Steven Furtick"

I LOVED this book, and that's saying a LOT because I'm really more of a fiction type of gal. It is written well, with a good mix of personal experiences, scripture (especially focusing in on the story of Joshua and his "sun stand still" prayer), and stories of other 21st century people with audacious faith. It's taken me longer than I'd like to complete the book because there is just so much I want to think/pray about and ponder longer. Here is just a sampling of lines that jumped out at me:

And further still: if the size of your vision for your life isn't intimidating to you, there's a good chance it's insulting to God.
Audacity plays to win. I don't want to raise good boys. I want to raise great men who will do great things for a great God.
Is there a need you can't stop thinking about that you're perfectly positioned to do something about? Do something about it, anything. Is there something you're good at that God could transform into greatness if you energized your efforts and focused your abilities for God's glory? Go for it. All the way. Are there subtle tweaks you can make in your everyday interactions and activities that will give God room to move in a miraculous way? Make room and get ready.
The level of your impact will be directly proportional to the price you're willing to pay.
the scope and impact of your vision will be determined by who you believe God is- and whether you have the courage to respond accordingly.
If there is no limit to what God can do, then there is also no limit to what we can dream or pray or accomplish in His service.
... God's mercy can convert the mistakes of my past into wisdom for my future.

The list goes on and on. The chapter "Pray Like a Juggernaut" totally wrecked me. So many of the examples of general sweeping prayers are things I say ALL THE TIME when I'm praying. I was challenged to be more specific with God and more intentional about our conversations.

I highly recommend this book. I think there's something for everyone in it and I'll probably end up reading it again just to pick up things I missed the first time. If you do read it, or have read it, I'd love to hear what you think!

Please Risk More

2011-01-08T14:14:00.007-05:00

"The needs of the world demand that you challenge everything you believe about your personal limitations. Please risk more." --Mike Foster

I read this quote this week and I think I've found my new phrase, "Please risk more." (If you don't know what I mean by "my new phrase", click HERE)

One year ago today I was busy making a lady bug birthday cake for a little girl I was praying would eventually be my daughter. Over and over people would say to me, "I could never be a foster parent. I just know I wouldn't be able to give them away when the time came." In my heart I wasn't convinced I would be able to either, but I was certain this was the path God was choosing for building our family. I knew that in order to have a shot at adopting a young child out of the system, I would have to be a foster parent. I remember baking and frosting her cake (the first pink ANYTHING I had ever had reason to make) begging God to work in whatever way necessary to make her my child. A few months later her crib was empty and I was left with an ache like none I had ever experienced.

A year later here's what I know to be true. "The needs of the world demand that you challenge everything you believe about your personal limitations. PLEASE RISK MORE."

Honestly, the thought of her makes me simultaneously filled with joy and completely miserable. I couldn't miss her more if I tried. If there were any way to get her back, I'd have done it by now, and if I could see her again I would. Here's the thing... I believe there was a purpose in it. I believe God works all things together for good. I don't understand it, and I don't like it, but I know there is a reason for it. I think it completely sucks and I've told God that a million times in the last 9 months. He's big enough and loving enough to take whatever I dish out in anger. He's also safe enough for me to curl up in His arms and weep when I've needed to. I know that I can't afford to shrink up and avoid risk in order to avoid pain. I know that those around me need me to NOT risk less, but in fact, risk MORE. We need you to as well. Whatever you may be avoiding out of fear- risk more. Whatever step God's asking you to take that you're hesitant about- risk more. That relationship that you're unsure of- risk more. Whatever limitation you are absolutely sure of- risk more.

It is absolutely imperative that we do.

What's Your Phrase?

2010-12-31T10:08:00.002-05:00

I'm not great at keeping New Year's Resolutions. I often lose track of the things I know I should be focused on. Sometimes I feel like God whispers something to my heart and I stay focused for all of about 2 days... if I'm lucky.

When I was in high school I collected frogs (many of my former students can attest to the fact that this collection followed me for quite a while!). On my 16th birthday my sister bought me a little gold frog in a glass box. One day while inspecting the frog closer, I noticed a piece of paper in the bottom of the box that read, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince." Unfortunately, I TOTALLY embraced the saying. ;) I probably could have kissed less frogs (and by probably I mean I definitely could have kissed less frogs). However, it did help me keep perspective. I think I was a little more guarded with my heart than many of my friends because I wasn't convinced that every relationship was the end all, be all, for me. I knew there would be some frogs before I found my prince. I made peace with that and I had fewer delusions that every guy was probably my "happily ever after." For better or worse, consciously or not, this phrase was a guiding philosophy in my life.

Fast forward to college. I was still kissing frogs, but I was definitely searching for the prince. I was reading a book full of things written by Emily Dickenson when I came across the phrase, "I dwell in possibility." It spoke to my soul in a way that I cannot begin to explain. Cody's fond of saying that "all truth is God's truth." I think this was a God truth for my life. In relationships I was always unsatisfied because "what if there's someone better? what if this isn't my soulmate? etc." "Love the one you're with" was definitely NOT my motto. ;) When I met Cody, I could not imagine a better possibility, and I was certain I was where I was meant to be. That said, my endless dwelling in what "could be" didn't end there. I wasn't relating it to men anymore, but I realized that at my deepest level, God has created me to be a dreamer. I am always looking for a way to improve myself, my family, my surroundings, the future, history, etc. There's always a "next right step" and I'm always looking for ways to track it down and chase it. I love run down buildings because of all the potential... the possibility I see in them. Same with people, the messier the better. I TOTALLY dwell in possibility.

Then about 4 years ago we were in Charlevoix with my family, and I found a bracelet that read, "expect miracles." (it had little fish and loaves of bread on it... very cool) I was floored. I'm not sure why it struck such a chord for me in that moment, but I bought the bracelet immediately and the phrase became my new mantra. Slowly but surely, it started to define my world view. God was capable of so much more than I was giving him credit for in my life. I could, in fact, EXPECT miracles. Impossible things were suddenly possible. Not on a hypothetical level, but in actual practical ways I was believing God would step up and wow me. That phrase saw me through a TON of life change and risk. I clung to it when a friend broke his neck and almost died, while experiencing marriage trouble, when my husband felt God calling him to quit his job and plant a church, when there was no money to pay the bills, when we weren't sure if anyone would buy into the kind of church we were proposing, when attempting the first ever Trunk-or-Treat in our county, etc. etc.

Last fall, days after taking in our first set of foster kids, I was reading "Primal" by Mark Batterson, and somewhere in those first few chapters he wrote, "grace is always the right response," and my world was wrecked again. When dealing with kids who hurt your children, grace is always the right response. When your husband is exhausted and never home (and there are FIVE kids in the house and you need help) grace is always the right response. When the foster kids' mom gets angry at you because her son hurt himself sledding while in your care... grace is always the right response. I remember saying this to myself out loud after dropping the kids off for their visits, trying to convince myself of it's truth. You know what I learned? Those kids who hurt my kids were lashing out because they were miserably scared and hurt inside. My husband who wasn't "helping" the way I wanted was stressed to his breaking point and was trying to carry that burden on his own for my sake. The mom who snapped at me was probably angry with herself because she knew her son should have been home sledding with her, not with some random foster parent. The more I made an intentional attempt to keep this idea in front of me, the more grace opportunities I experienced, and the more aware I became of how self-focused I can be... how ungracious I am as a person. Then I became aware of how often I need grace and it all kind of came together in a new way. Want grace? Give grace. Whether deserved or not, appreciated or not, easy or not... grace is ALWAYS the right response.

So why do I share all this? Well, I'm realizing that one God truth can change everything for me. All of these past phrases have molded me and continue to frame my world view. I'm learning that one tiny phrase is something I am capable of clinging to, and frankly, I'm ready for a new challenge. So...

What's your mantra of the moment? What concept has impacted your life in the past? What is your goal for the new year? What God truth are you wrestling with right now? I want to learn what you're learning, so lay it on me!

ELEVEN YEARS AND COUNTING!

2010-12-18T13:17:00.005-05:00

Eleven years ago today I made the single most important decision of my life... a decision that I didn't even know I was making. I don't think I had any idea that I had a choice in the matter, I just knew with every ounce of my being that I needed to spend every moment of my life with this man. Was/is he flawed? Sure. Annoying at times? Yup. Would I marry him again? You can bet your life on it.

Eleven years ago I gambled on the idea that my absolute infatuation for Cody (that had lasted through 2 break-ups and 2 years of dating) would last a lifetime. I bet that my best friend/boyfriend was husband/father material. I trusted his heart more than his actions, and I believed God had something amazing in store for him (and for me if I joined him in the journey). I am SO GLAD I took that chance.

This morning Ki said he wished he could have seen our wedding like he saw his birthmom's this past fall. I surprised him by saying he could and pulled out our wedding video. Oh my... we've gotten old. Still, watching us interact then and remembering so vividly the people we were at that moment in time reminds me of how far we come. How many arguments we've needed to have--- I say needed, because our life together is worth fighting for and some things would never have been worked through without battling it out in the wee hours of the night. I remember how many disappointments of epic proportions we've survived in each others arms, how many months we weren't sure we could pay the bills- and how we celebrated when provision came in the most unlikely of forms, how many leaps of faith we've taken/are still taking- and how God amazes us every time we step out in faith, how much I've learned from Cody, how much we've learned from our children, etc.

I woke up this morning and laughed with my best friend about jokes that are probably only funny to us, and I know that, Lord willing, I will do it again tomorrow. This afternoon Cody told the boys that if they ever find someone 1/2 as wonderful as their mother they should marry her immediately. (*melt*) I just wish I had a daughter so I could tell her not to marry anyone unless he is everything her father is.

Book Review

2010-12-16T19:35:00.001-05:00

So, recently I have started 2 different programs that send you free books if you agree to review them on your blog. If you're interested in doing the same, you should check out BOOKSNEEZE by Thomas Nelson Publishing and BLOGGING FOR BOOKS through Waterbrook Multnomah. If you're not interested in reading a book review, you'll wanna stop reading now. :)

The first book I received from BookSneeze was "Start! The Bible For New Believers."
The general editor of this Bible was Greg Laurie. It's a New King James version of the Bible for new believers and it is full of extra details and notes about various passages. It starts with a plan for salvation and then continues with secrets to spiritual success. Some parts of this opening section seemed a little cheesy (although well intentioned). For example, when describing the way in which God forgives our sins it says, "God will toss your guilt into the sea of His forgetfulness and then post a sign: 'No fishing allowed.'" This section also uses a lot of lingo that may not be as accessible to someone who hasn't grown up in the church. Multiple times it asks if you are "saved" or if you have "received God," but never really explains what these terms mean. In the Secrets to Spiritual Success portion of the intro Greg Laurie discusses the need to read the Bible, pray, attend church, give and serve others, and evangelize.

When you get to Genesis, you find that each book of the Bible starts with an introduction telling about that particular book, its background, and when the events contained in it occurred. Almost all the pages have "know" or "grow" section at the bottom of the page that elaborates on what's being read. Throughout this Bible you will also find little grey boxes entitled, "Learn." These sections present facts or research that expound on what's being said. There are also sections titled, "Live," that are aimed at taking what you are learning and applying it to how you live life.

Overall it's your basic study Bible but it's supposedly geared towards new Christians. I didn't find it to be especially user friendly to those who are unchurched or post-church, however it wasn't too bad. If I were recommending a Bible to friends who were seeking, I'd still go with the "Message: Re-Mix" but given that this is still the word of God, you can't really go wrong. :)

SN*OW

2010-12-11T17:14:00.002-05:00

It's about to snow... and not just a little snow... it's going to *S*N*O*W*!* So far this winter I have not yet had snow that was deep enough to cover my lawn completely. Seriously, and I live in northern Michigan. Something about that is just not right.

I love fall, I've mentioned it here before, but there's always something magical about a big snow. As much as fall calms my heart, a big snowfall energizes my inner child. We're supposed to get anywhere from 10-18 inches in the next 24 hours and I'm already just a smidge too giddy about it. ;) BRING IT ON SNOW! (and while you're at it, surprise us and dump an extra foot or two)

How about you? Snow: love it or hate it?

Thanks!

2010-11-23T14:34:00.004-05:00

I haven't had the time I'd like for writing here lately, but I thought I'd share with you something that came in an email to me this week. Enjoy...

****

A Better Plan from a Better Planner

By John Ortberg

It’s almost Thanksgiving, with Christmas right behind. Often on the holidays we become aware that life does not go the way we plan. We think to ourselves:

I was supposed to be married by now.

I was supposed to be promoted by now.

I was supposed to have retired, or to have children, or to have achieved this dream-

Or, I wasn’t supposed to go bankrupt. I wasn’t supposed to lose my job, or get divorced, or get cancer.

What do you do when life doesn’t turn out the way you planned?

One of the great statements of the Bible reads: “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope, and a future.’

Jeremiah 29:11

We all have plans. But God does not say: “I know the plans YOU have for you…”

In the Bible, God is always interrupting somebody’s plan.

Adam didn’t plan on getting created.

Noah didn’t plan on building an ark.

Abraham didn’t plan on becoming the father of a new nation in his 90’s.

Esther didn’t plan on stopping genocide.

Moses didn’t plan on defying Pharaoh.

Mary didn’t plan on getting pregnant.

Not a single story in the Bible begins: “Then someone had a great plan…”

But God has a plan.

Better than our plan.

So even if we have many disappointments, we have something else, something to be grateful for. We are part of somebody else's plan; a better plan, from a Better Planner. His plan is better than we could invent ourselves in a million years.

Gratitude is one of the best parts of the plan.

****

Be grateful my friends! Happy Thanksgiving!

Legend... wait for it... dary!

2010-11-07T19:03:00.000-05:00

(or... "why awesomeness is imperative")

This past week Praxis Church sponsored its second annual Community Trunk-or-Treat. It was so much fun, but the thing that gets me, the thing I can't move past, is how many people were surprised by how great it was. Not that "our planning committee is all that and a bag of chips so of course it would be awesome," but the fact that excellence is surprising. I never cease to be amazed by the degree to which we EXPECT mediocre. Heck, half the time (if we're honest), we aim for it.

I love our local community, but I think somewhere along the way we decided average was acceptable. Not only that, but that mediocrity is the best we can hope for. Not that there aren't people or organizations that are exceptions to this, but on the whole, there seems to be this chronic apathy, a pervasive hopelessness. We live in a depressed area. When it comes to opportunities, job availability, school funding, economic development, etc. and there are many who are ready to throw in the towel or who have already decided we're circling the drain as a community and there's nothing we can do about it. Someone asked me the other day what my personal goal for Trunk-or-Treat was. I said I wanted it to infuse a shot of hope into our community, and a dream or vision of something better.

We have potential Oscoda County! Believe it or not, but there are creative, intelligent, wise, insightful, inspired people all over the place in our county. We have everyone we need in order to live somewhere phenomenal. We took less than 10 people and planned a great event. How much more could we do if we were ALL aiming for excellence? In our work places, in our homes, in our schools, in our churches, in EVERY INTERACTION, etc. As Cody said this morning at Praxis, we all have a "best version" of ourselves that God is desperate to see us become. A potential we have not yet attained. If we all start aiming for that, what could we become in the next 5 years?

Stop being surprised by excellence, start AIMING for it!

...and just so you know... I can think of at least 10 ways we missed the target with Trunk-or-Treat and we will be going over it this week to try and think of more. It is our intention to NEVER rest on what we have already accomplished, but to push ahead towards something better... maybe even something God hasn't revealed to us yet. We are not satisfied, but we ARE doing our best. :)

Detergent and Randomness

2010-10-11T18:49:00.002-04:00

I'd love to take the time to knock out a meaningful post, but I am fairly confident I do not have the time, or mental capacity to tackle that task today. What can I do? Give you my much anticipated (by about 2 of you) laundry detergent recipe and a little random sumpin' sumpin'.

Homemade Laundry Detergent:
You'll need:
5 gallon bucket with lid
1 bar of Fels Naptha Soap
1/2 cup of Borax
1 cup of Arm and Hammer Washing Soda (make sure it's the WASHING soda)

Grate and melt the bar of soap in 4 cups of water on stove. Put other ingredients in the bucket, and then pour the melted soap water into the bucket. Fill the bucket with hot water and stir. Cover and let sit overnight. Stir and then pour your homemade laundry detergent into left over laundry detergent bottles, filling them only HALF way. Add water to fill to the top. Shake before using each time. (FYI- this detergent does not create suds in the washer, but it cleans well) We have loved this detergent. We've been using our first batch since the first week of June and our clothes get very clean and smell nice. It has a very light scent, and hasn't aggravated Ezra's eczema at all. It cost me just under $10 for the original ingredients and the next time around all I'll have to buy is the bar soap. The way I figure it, it'll end up costing me about $3 for 6 months worth of laundry detergent.

**If you're not interested in making the detergent, I'd love to get my hands on your empty used detergent bottles. I only had one when I made this recipe and the rest of the detergent has been hanging out in the 5 gallon bucket until I need refills. :) **

Randomness?
There are 627,077 people with the first name Amanda in the United States. Statistically its the 80th most popular first name for a girl.
There are 366 people in the United States with the last name Gascho, making it's rank 59,453rd for last names in America.
Finally, there is supposedly only ONE Amanda Gascho in the United States, which honestly doesn't surprise me because I never have trouble using my name for things like email accounts, facebook, or twitter, etc. You can find out where your name ranks by going to the "How Many of Me" website by clicking HERE.

ENJOY!

Excess and Creativity

2010-09-29T13:29:00.005-04:00

Over the past 2 years we've trimmed a lot of financial fat in the Gascho home. It hasn't always been easy, it's almost never fun, but it has been totally worth it.

It seems like I've had a LOT of conversations with friends lately about money- or about how money is hindering them from chasing a bigger dream. I get it... I TOTALLY get it, and let's be honest, there are times in life when we work a job we don't like in order to bring in the money we really need. There are times when that is necessary and very much God's will for that season of our life. But if we stay in that vein of honesty, we have to also admit that there are times we work jobs we don't like in order to have "stuff" we really want, or to be able to maintain a certain look or status. There are times we cling to what we know, because we fear what we don't know, or what others may think. For whatever reason, this really rubs me wrong... and I still do it myself.

At some point we choose to become the person we were created to be, or to languish. I feel like a lot of people I love are choosing to languish for the sake of money or the perceived security it brings. I could go back to teaching full-time. Some of you (especially those who support our church financially) may think I should. ;) It would certainly help our finances. It would free Cody up to take a smaller salary. It would provide health insurance for our family and we might not have to pinch our pennies quite so much. I would probably enjoy being back in a professional environment more frequently. But here's the thing... (the thing I have to remind myself of) staying home with my kids is something I have ALWAYS wanted. I'm a better mom when I'm not working. I use more of my time in service to others when I don't work out of the home, and I feel confident I am where God wants me for this season of my life. (disclaimer: I don't think every mom should stay home, and there are many women who balance both phenomenally... I'm just saying I don't.) More than that, my security is in Christ alone... not my bank account, or the freedom to buy cute jeans on a whim, or to plan for amazing family vacations to exotic locations, etc. (and just FYI, "exotic" at the moment would be Myrtle Beach to hang with the Viele's, I MISS MY FRIENDS!!!)

I'm not there yet, but I'm trying to learn to cut the excess and be more creative with what I do have... and I have a LOT. It's crazy, but it took me focusing on how to live with less in order to realize that I still have WAY MORE than I need. I hope in the next few posts to share a few of our more recent experiments with ya... be on the lookout for our homemade laundry detergent recipe and a way to watch great TV for free. :)

How about you? Are you living fully or languishing? Are you stretching a budget, and if so, how?

P.S. Just realized this was post #100 for me. Probably should have talked about something more momentous, or done some kind of "looking back" type of deal... oh well. :)

Thank You!

2010-09-23T13:31:00.006-04:00

In 12 days Cody and I will board a plane and head to Atlanta, Georgia for the 2010 Catalyst Conference! If you have no idea what that is, click here to see the official Catalyst website. I am looking forward to this on SO MANY levels:

I get to be "alone" with Cody (and technically a bunch of other people) for FIVE days. That's the longest I've ever been away from the boys, but I feel like it'll be ok thanks to Skype and cell phones. I'm looking forward to setting aside the mom hat and focusing on being a wife and friend to my husband for such an extended period of time.
Cody's been to Catalyst before and he always comes back excited. Having had so much responsibility for our church plant over the past year and a half, I am looking forward to seeing him encouraged, inspired and refueled.
I've never been to Catalyst, so I'm excited to see what all the fuss is about and hopefully get a little encouragement, inspiration, and refueling myself. ;) Plus, it'll be so nice to finally REALLY understand what he's seen and experienced. I'm hoping it'll make me a better cheerleader if it inspires new ideas or greater risks in chasing whatever God has for our future.
I'm looking forward to making new memories with my best friend. Sometimes we get in the rut of talking about the kids and our to-do lists, and we forget to create new memories and share new experiences. Whenever we get away together, we always come back with new things to laugh about, new inside jokes, and new memories to look back on fondly.
I'm excited to see what God has in store through this time away... in any area imaginable or unimaginable! I'm looking forward to hearing all the things these amazing leaders feel led to share, and hoping to grow and be challenged.

I could keep going, but you get the idea. So, with that said, I want to say thank you. If you're a part of Praxis Church, whether local or a long distance supporter, thank you! (click here if you want more info on Praxis) It means so much to know our Lead Team sees the value in sending Cody to conferences like this one, and even more to me that they see fit to send us together. Your love and support makes everything we do possible, and has been one of the greatest rewards for chasing this crazy dream God gave us. *T*H*A*N*K**Y*O*U*!*

More from Ki on marriage...

2010-09-12T16:48:00.003-04:00

So, I was told the following scene occurred as Cody was tucking Ki into bed last night...

Ki: where were you all day?

Cody: well, first I had to do a funeral, and then I married some people... well, I didn't marry them, but I helped them get married.

Ki: Oh good. Cuz if you married someone else, mom would literally kill you.

(my boy knows his mommy... ha ha ha)

Ki's getting married?

2010-09-08T10:18:00.005-04:00

(Ki and Jessie 2 years ago)

So, we dropped Evin (our foster son) off to his first grade classroom, Ezra off to his 2nd grade classroom, and then Malaki and I went on to his preschool class for a little open house, meet and greet, dealio. I had agreed in advance to pick up my friend Bobbi's little girl while there and take her home with us for the day. When I got the two little munchkins in the car, the conversation went as follows:

***
Jessie: Ki, are we still getting married?

Ki: Of course.

Me: Um, why do you two want to get married?

Jessie: So we can be brother and sister forever!

Me: Uh... getting married doesn't make you brother and sister, it makes you husband and wife.

Ki: Like you and daddy?

Me: Yup.

Jessie: OOOOH!!! KI! WE CAN HAVE PETS AND BABIES TOGETHER!!!

Ki: Yeah, well, what if you see another boy and he's very beautiful and you want to marry him instead?

Jessie: Lucky for you I don't care about those sorts of things. I'm yours forever.

***

Then she asked me for some gum. :) I was laughing so hard. Absolutely HILARIOUS! I'm not a big fan of the whole, "who's in love with who" in elementary school thing, but this was just too funny to not share. ;)

There's a feeling in the air...

2010-08-25T20:50:00.006-04:00

This morning I opened the windows. Such a small act, but after running the central air all summer it felt momentous in some way to have all that fresh air invade and cool our home. I sorted closets, cleaned bathrooms, vacuumed and swept floors, folded laundry... all before 11am. Autumn is my season.

I know you're probably thinking, "um ok, but it's not autumn yet..." and you'd be right... and I'd be happy because you just said... "yet." I can feel it coming, I am starting to get the itch, nights are getting colder, bonfires seem more imperative, stores are stocked with bouquets of pencils and school supplies, and Ezra's closet reeks of that "new tennis shoe" smell. It's almost here!!!

Some of you are "spring lovers"- and I'll forgive you for that- but hear me out. For me, fall has always evoked a sense of inevitable change. In some ways that's terrifying, but in most ways, at least for me, it's drenched in possibility. In elementary it was the question, "will my teacher be nice?" or "will any of my friends be in my class this year?" In middle school it was more along the lines of, "are Swatch watches still 'in'?" or "are my stone-washed Guess jeans tight enough?" (yeah, I just dated myself- I don't care). By high school, most of the possibility for me revolved around sporting events and guys... "is this the year THAT guy will finally notice me?" ("that guy" never did)

Now? I don't know. I'm looking forward to the return of a predictable routine- even if it means I have to set an alarm each day. I'm excited to see the ways in which my children will stretch and grow in new environments this fall. I'm prayerful about our foster son and what the next leg of his journey may consist of. I'm borderline giddy about summer vacations ending and what that means as far as attendance at Praxis... I've been missing so many people and I love the energy in the room when everyone comes back together in the fall (and although I'm happy that they've had time to get away and enjoy their families, I'll be glad to reconnect)! I'm excited to head to Catalyst with my husband in October! He's gone a few times and I am SO HAPPY to be able to experience this conference WITH him this year. (and I admit, I'm looking forward to a few days away as a couple- sans kiddos) ;)

More than all that, change/possibility brings with it hope. If you follow this blog, you know I've been struggling to shake the grief and cynicism that settled in my heart following the loss of Brooklynn and the resurfacing of Nevaeh. I could use some hope. I desire to hope, and my heart feels as though its just about ready to risk again. I LOVE this time of year... and I LOVE a Creator who knew there'd be people like me who would need it to feel Him near.

So, in a month or so, if you see me parked along the side of the road staring at a particularly gorgeous display of color in the trees, singing "This Time of Year" by Better Than Ezra, with an odd grin on my face, just know I'm getting my groove back. BRING ON THE FALL! :)

What story do you want to live?

2010-08-09T21:30:00.006-04:00

So, I follow Donald Miller on twitter and he recently posted a question on his blog and asked that people answer it on theirs. The question was: "What kind of story do you want to live?" I almost did nothing with it because that's a ridiculously daunting question and at that moment I had FIVE children 9 and under running around my home like maniacs! (just in case those numbers aren't adding up for you and you're curious, that's Ezra-7, Malaki-4, our foster son Evin-6, and my sister's kids Keagan-9 and Lexi-4) Good times were being had by all, but it was a little less than conducive for deep thoughts. ;)

That said, if you do answer the question on your blog, you are entered to win tickets to a conference called, "Living a Better Story" (click on that title for more information) I think Cody and I could get a lot out of a conference like that since our "story" has been so much about transition in the past few years. I think we could really benefit from a pause that allows us to entertain the idea of and listen for God's direction as to what the next era of our story should entail. So... what kind of story do I want to live? Do I even know how to answer that in a condensed manageable format? I'm thinking that's a question better asked at the beginning of an evening with someone you intend to stay up all night talking with...

I want to live a story that is drowning in risk and truth and grace and life.
I don't care if anyone ever knows my story, but I want to know that as many moments as possible I find myself squarely in the center of God's will.
I want to chase every God-opportunity I am given, I want to love recklessly, I want to speak truth and be true, and I want to respond to everything- everyone- every situation with an abundance of grace.
I want to teach my children how to embrace their lives and live them fully and deeply with God, and I want to encourage my friends and the gals in my church to feel fully engaged in their lives instead of just surviving life as so many of us do.
I want there to be more to my story than there seems to be sometimes, and I want to stop waiting for "someday."
I want to expect miracles and be depended on to believe God can and will do amazing things in my life and the lives of those around me.
I want to learn to see the "everyday" as extraordinary moments and opportunities.

On a more "what might that look like or mean for your life" kind of level, or an "if I were to begin telling your story what might be the big adventures" kind of level... hmm??

I want to finish the family God has blessed me with through the process of adopting again, and convince as many people as possible to join me in this amazing journey. I want to be a mom worthy of the trust my childrens' birthparents and God have placed with me. Long ago we desired to adopt one or two little girls from Africa (I was blogging about that on here back in January of 2007!) That desire is still there, but at some point we felt as though God was saying, "I don't care how you adopt, just that you do it." So since then we've attempting to go the foster care route for financial reasons. It's been a crazy ride, but we have sensed God in it. I think there will always be a part of me that longs for Africa and the possibility it holds in my heart, but more than that I am overwhelmed with the desire to find and know my children, and to have them home with us.

I want to find a way to purchase abandoned homes, renovate them, and donate them (or sell them at or below cost) to families who are struggling and homeless in our community. In a county with the highest poverty level in Michigan, I want it to matter that I lived here. It's a strange passion I have that I just can't seem to let go of, and I have no idea how on earth I will ever get it done. I've written about this before (click HERE to read about it).

I want to be (and I think I am) my husband's biggest fan as he attempts this adventure called church planting, as well as the greater adventure of LIFE! I want to anticipate his needs and support him in ways he might not think to ask of me. I want to keep him feeling young and respected and desired. I want to have weekly date nights and a romantic getaway at least once a year (and at this point in life, romantic requires very little other than no kids... ha ha ha!). I want to have adventures together, risks together, and build a real LIFE together.

I want my children to fearlessly stretch themselves, at risk, to grasp the hand of the One who made them. I want them to know the depth to which they are loved. I want them to trust the story of the prodigal son... believing that if they screw up, they do not need to hide, but that God is waiting with open arms to embrace them, forgive them, and celebrate them. I desire to model that more than I do, and as often as humanly possible. I want to give them experiences in life, more than I want to provide them with things. I want to make memories together and I want home to always be a safe place to land and an extension of themselves.

I want to learn to sit and listen for God's whispers in my life, carefully chasing His every whim, in whatever direction He aims me, whenever He asks me to. This means I have to make time to get away from it all and be alone with my Creator for more than just my devotion time. I may need to go off by myself for a day or two from time to time so I can quit being "mom" and "wife" and just be "child of God."

I want God. I want a story that oozes the possibility of, and desire for, MORE of God.

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

Obedient Little Niece

2010-07-28T13:06:00.003-04:00

So, my aunt Mo says I need to post on here again... ;) and since I'm an obedient little niece, here goes!

I don't really have much to say... I've been working on a more meaningful post for a week now, but I just don't have the energy to finish that one today.

Today... well, you'll get to hear about Ezra's eyes. I took the boys to the eye doctor last week fully expecting to come home having purchased glasses for Ezra. He's been blinking a lot, getting tired, and rubbing his eyes while reading for a while now, and I just assumed he had his mother and grandpa's eyes and was in need of glasses. Not so. Apparently Ezra's eyes are not tracking or converging the way they should. This means that when he's reading it becomes very difficult to keep his place, and much of the time he is seeing double. This also impacts his balance, ability to catch balls, dribble, etc. In fact, the eye doctor was surprised that Ezra's reading at all, let alone reading at or above grade level. So... vision therapy is needed. Vision therapy that is NOT covered by insurance. 20 sessions at $100 each, 3 times a week for 7 weeks. Yowzah.

Obviously, we are going to do the therapy. People pay significantly more than that for braces, snowmobiles, vacations, etc. I can't think of any investment I am more happy to put up funds for than ensuring my kids have the best shot I can give them at a solid education. Since reading is foundational to everything, it'll be money well spent. But still... oh my...

So, the bright side? I get 2 hours (yeah it's an hour one way to the therapy sessions) in the car, 3 times a week, to be alone with Ezra. I love hearing his heart, so I am looking forward to all the extra time together. :)

point to ponder...

2010-06-21T11:17:00.002-04:00

"When we want what God wants, for the reasons God wants it, then we are unstoppable."
-Steven Furtick

Heard this during our "One Prayer" series this weekend and now I can't stop evaluating my desires, my motives, etc. Probably a good thing...

Just so ya know...

2010-06-16T19:35:00.003-04:00

Not that you'll care, but I was thinking of something I didn't share during the 30 days of confessions... it's a random little tid bit, but I'll post it anyway. :)

I make my bed... EVERY day. I cannot sleep in an UN-made bed. Seriously... I will make my bed at 11:30 at night if I must, but I will not get into bed until I've made it. Anal, I know.

I'm just asking...

2010-05-02T13:55:00.009-04:00

So I've been pondering something for a while now... trying to figure out how to say what I want to say, knowing I will probably offend someone (or multiple someones)... but wanting to provoke discussion or reflection, without giving the impression of an attack. This morning I was debating whether to write this post or not- stalling on facebook as I often do- when I read the following as my brother-in-law's status: "Sadly, Christians tend to care more about political liberty than their spiritual freedom in Christ."

So here we go...

Where is your heart, your focus, your security? Is it your job? Your family? Your home? Your President? Your political party? Your country? Over the past decade it seems as though Christians are becoming increasingly political. I'm not against being involved in politics, active in voting, etc. I am, however, increasingly concerned by the degree to which Christians promote certain viewpoints or agendas as "right" or "Godly." I'm bothered by the fact that we are becoming known in our culture more for all the things we're AGAINST, instead of for all the things that Christ was FOR. I am beyond annoyed by the amount of "Christian" propaganda that gains momentum and manipulates people based on fear. If we tell you all the "evil" things that are in the works, or hype slippery slopes, etc. then people are suddenly up in arms ready for action.

Here's what I know:
We will NEVER be satisfied with our government, our leaders, etc. We won't. Doesn't matter who is in power... we won't. They are human, humans are flawed... we won't.

In addition...

2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control." --- and yet I hear people all the time getting worked up over political fears. I heard Christians bash Bush because of military decisions, the economy, and seeming incompetence. I hear other Christians bash Obama because of health care reform, bowing to leaders from other countries, and supposed pursuit of socialism. But I'm told that God does NOT give us a spirit of fear. That's a manipulation by people with an agenda, and when we get sucked into it, we risk our focus becoming something other than God. Our pursuit becomes FOR a certain political agenda and making our voice be heard, instead of a pursuit OF God and desire to hear HIS voice. We do this because we are scared. We do this because we have not yet put all our hope and security in God... we do not yet trust that "He's got our back" so to speak.

Psalm 24:1 "The earth is the Lord's and all that is in it, the world, and those who live in it." --- and yet I feel such a sense of entitlement coming from people I talk to. The way we view illegal aliens... taking "our" jobs and stressing out "our" systems. The way we treat the poor... using "our" tax dollars for their benefit when they haven't done anything to "deserve" it. Companies that send "our" jobs to other countries to save money. The idea that if I've worked hard enough for long enough, I am owed a retirement like I've envisioned and a successful career or business. I'm not saying there aren't issues in these areas that might benefit from some re-evaluation, but that's not my point. God never guarantees any of the above. The Bible does say, "my God will supply all of my needs" but I'm just not convinced that our idea of "needs" are the same as God's. We're not owed ANYTHING. We don't "deserve" any of what we earn any more than the people who are "lazy and manipulate the system." None of it is "ours." It never was. It never will be. The earth is the Lord's and ALL that is in it. Notice it also says, "those who live in it" are too. That includes the poor, illegal aliens, me and you (thank goodness!), AND politicians... just sayin'...

on that note:

Romans 13:1 "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God."

Colossians 1:16 "For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him."

John 19:11 (speaking to Pilate) Jesus answered, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above..."

Daniel 4:17 "'The decision is announced by messengers, the holy ones declare the verdict, so that the living may know that the Most High is sovereign over the kingdoms of men and gives them to anyone He wishes and sets over them the lowliest of men.'"

Daniel 5:21 "He was driven away from people and given the mind of an animal; he lived with the wild donkeys and ate grass like cattle; and his body was drenched with the dew of heaven, until he acknowledged that the Most High God is sovereign over the kingdoms of men and sets over them anyone He wishes. "

So whether you hate how the latest election went down, or if you love it, know this... as a Christian, you must acknowledge the fact that the LORD is sovereign over the kingdoms of man (this includes the good ole' US of A) and HE gives them to whomever HE wishes. He has a plan for this season (whether you're excited by it or hate it) and He will do with it what He wishes.

And so I refer back to Josh's facebook status: "Sadly, Christians tend to care more about political liberty than their spiritual freedom in Christ." What are we more aggressively pursuing? Political liberties, or freedom in Christ? Our agenda for the US, or God's agenda for our individual lives? Making sure WE are taken care of (in regards to our businesses, finances, health, etc.) or taking care of the poor (an idea discussed more in the Bible than almost anything else). What do we talk about more- the stuff going on in Washington, or the stuff God is doing in our hearts? Are we operating from a place of fear about the future, or from a place of certainty- knowing Who it is who holds our future? And is that enough for us?

I'm just asking...

Vacay

2010-04-22T21:51:00.001-04:00

So, I'm on vacation with the fam, and just to get it out of the way, I know I should have more exciting things to do right now. :) However, the kids are in bed, and Cody's watching the NFL Draft, so here I sit with a little "me" time.

Right after our foster kids moved out, someone we adore offered to send our family on a vacation. It was humbling, and of course we tried to say no, but they insisted and we accepted. Somehow they knew (even before we did) that we were going to need to get away from it all and just reconnect again as a family of four. I can't tell you how much we've been looking forward to these 7 days away from it all, or how good they've been for us!

We decided early on to keep the whole thing a mystery for our boys. Each night they are given a card that reveals clues about the following day. They HATE it, and love it at the same time. Ki seems able to roll with it with minimal effort, but Ezra is absolutely discombobulated at the idea of not knowing what comes next. I just shake my head, frustrated and yet slightly smiling because I know it will be priceless to watch them both realize our plans and then freak out with excitement. All week I've been saying, "relax... just trust us buddy... it's gonna be great..." I know they're going to love what's in store. I know my boys, I know their hearts, I know their desires, and I am desperate to make as many of those dreams come true as I can. But they don't know that about me... or if they do, they seem to have forgotten. Each day Ezra asks what tomorrow brings, and when I tell him he'll have to wait for the clue he gets frustrated and mad, and often misses out on some of the joy in front of him.

Today I realized that in the grand scheme of things, I am Ezra... and the one I am forgetting to trust is God. I'm probably missing joys that are right in front of me because of concern for what comes next. I desperately want to know what the future brings, why things don't look the way I want them to look, why I can't have the clues I want when I want them, why I can't have some say in the planning...

I wonder if God is shaking his head at me, wondering why I don't trust his heart, but secretly so excited to watch me freak out once His plan is finally revealed?

Really?!?

2010-03-31T10:49:00.002-04:00

So yeah, I stepped on the scale yesterday and I've gained 7 pounds in the past two weeks! Apparently I eat when I'm stressed... I know... SHOCKER! Time to pay attention to what I'm putting in my mouth and hit the treadmill again (and by "hit" I mean walk on, because really folks, did anyone believe I was actually going to run? unlikely).

Although... I know that Sunday there will be baskets full of candy on my table and I feel fairly confident they will derail this new plan. I'm just saying... tee! hee!

(on a completely unrelated note: ever notice how often I use "..." (dot dot dot) when I write? I may have a borderline obsession!)

#30

2010-03-18T19:37:00.002-04:00

Confession #30... saying goodbye is going to be difficult...

#29

2010-03-08T08:00:00.001-05:00

Confession #29... I am a forgiver... and sometimes I wish I wasn't.

I know I should be, and that forgiving is a good thing, but sometimes I just wish the people in my life had to work a little harder to earn my forgiveness. I know that's hypocritical since I accept God's forgiveness of my mistakes knowing I'll never do enough to deserve such grace, but there's always a little piece of me that wonders if I'm letting people off the hook too easily, and I want them to totally feel bad and really learn their lesson.

I read, or heard someone once say that choosing NOT to forgive someone is like drinking poison every day and wishing the other person would die. I think that's pretty accurate. I think people get caught up on the misconception that "if I forgive that person, then I'm saying what they did didn't matter, or wasn't that big a deal, or was ok. Or, I'll forgive them when they admit they were wrong and ASK for my forgiveness." I think forgiveness can be as simple as saying, "you hurt me in ways I may never recover from, and what you did was unforgivable, but I am choosing to move forward now. We will never be what we once were, or have what we may have had (and maybe in some cases, will never be friends again), but I am choosing to let go of the bitterness and anger. For your sake and mine." Going back to my new favorite mantra, "Grace is always the right response."

In Cody's message a few weeks ago he talked about generosity and hope, and one of the things he said was that forgiveness is one of the most generous ways we can give hope to the people in our lives. I think he's right, and because I love the God of second (and third and fourth and fifth) chances, a God who knows no such phrase as "lost cause," I think I'll choose to continue forgiving. Because there's a part of me that knows I can never out-forgive God, and that I need hope just as much as, if not more than, the next guy.

#28

2010-03-07T11:09:00.002-05:00

Confession #28... If you gave me $1000 and told me I had to splurge on myself (ie. could NOT pay off debt or do the "responsible thing" with it), I'd head straight to Home Depot, Lowe's or Crate and Barrel. I feel much more comfortable shopping in lumber yards, container/organization stores, and hardwares than I do at malls or clothing retailers. Hmm... that might explain my fashion sense, or lack thereof... tee! hee! ;)

#27

2010-03-06T13:58:00.002-05:00

Confession #27...
I want a Great Dane puppy. ;) I've wanted one for as long as I can remember. Someday...

#26

2010-03-02T15:10:00.001-05:00

I'm confused. Or maybe conflicted is a better word. Overwhelmed?

We found out for certain on Monday that our foster children will be leaving us on the 18th of this month. I wish that I felt supremely sad, or completely overjoyed, but I just feel... numb.

When I think of all the negatives (what if they aren't cared for? what if they don't feel loved? what if no one looks out for them? what if Brooklynn never understands why I'm suddenly gone?) I want to throw up. When I think of the positives (needing less of EVERYTHING, no more diapers or potty training, more time to snuggle Ki and Ezra, less intentional destruction of our home, LESS LAUNDRY, etc.) then I want it over with today. Yeah, except I don't...

The reality is, there are no guarantees and no quick fixes in this situation. So we pray, and I prepare as best I know how (lists and all), and I hope that the "relief" will dull the pain of saying goodbye if only just a smidge.

I also just want to publicly thank all the people who attend Praxis Church (www.createpraxis.com) for your love and support. There have been days when I've crawled into bed and prayed, "wow, I apologize God for totally screwing up their view of You today." I realized the last time we were at church that you all are helping make up for my inadequacies in sharing the reality of faith with these kids. Someday, because of you, they may hear the "Cheers" theme song and get a warm fuzzy feeling that makes them want to go to church... "where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came..." Thank you for loving these precious little ones on days when I was at my end, God has used you in ways you may never know. :)

#25

2010-03-02T09:12:00.002-05:00

We are discussing the idea of dropping our dish service, which would mean basically no more TV, or DVR...

Confession #25? That makes me VERY uncomfortable. And the fact that it makes me uncomfortable, makes me even more uncomfortable.

#24

2010-02-08T17:03:00.004-05:00

Confession #24- I am a neat freak. Not a clean freak, a neat freak. I believe there is a distinction.

I like my house to be clean, but it doesn't consume me. However, what does consume me, what I think about all day long, and sometimes stay up at night pondering is the idea of everything having a place, and being in it's place when it needs to be. My mother-in-law and I often joke about starting a professional organization business when she retires. I would LOVE that, but I wonder if I'd be patient enough with other people while I try to help them organize their lives. I LOVE Peter Walsh, and will watch any show he is on. If you don't know who that is, nevermind. :)
In a more practical way, that means that every closet, in every bedroom of our house, has a closet organizer (that is more than a bar and a shelf) in it. Within said closet, everything is folded in a way in which to make the viewing of clothing pleasant, and the storage of said clothing a more efficient use of space. Hanging items are color coordinated and hung accordingly. When we moved into this house, I wouldn't let anyone put anything in our "storage" room until I had first purchased and installed the approriate shelving, and then items were brought in in a specific manner and labeled well.

I make lists like they are my job, and my calendar is both functional and beautiful as I often draw pictures along with the words to signify exciting events. :) I like order, simplicity, and beauty, even in the mundane. I'm not a decorator, but I like life to be as "uncluttered" as possible.

Right now life is chaos at our home, or at least it feels like it to me. The basement is torn apart and is in various stages of rebuilding. Everything that once was in the playroom, is now in my completely non-functional storage room or upstairs. Ezra and Ki have a kids table and matching chairs in the their already cramped bedroom, there are baby clothes Brooklynn has outgrown in the living room, and there is a chop saw and piles of sawdust in the center of my laundry room. Nevermind the dilemna of having 7 people in your house and a less than well functioning laundry room, I feel overwhelmed. I know that is my little ADD brain trying to process all the added stimuli, but nevertheless, I am overwhelmed.

So tonight, I ordered pizza. It's not "pizza night" (that's Friday's here) and it probably wasn't in the budget, but I ordered pizza. When we were done clearing the table and running the dishwasher I suddenly felt like it was all managable again. I cleaned where I could, put things away that still had places to go, and rearranged the rest to make it feel a little less insane around here. I guess I'm not sure what my confession is... either that I am completely nuerotic, or that pizza fixes everything... :) I'm hoping to have it all put back together in a few weeks, and I know I can handle just about anything for a few weeks. ha ha ha!

#23

2010-02-05T10:34:00.003-05:00

Today's confession? I'm struggling. We found out yesterday that the judge has decided the kids will stay with us for 45 more days, and then will return to their mom and have a Families First worker assigned to them. It's all really bittersweet. Since Cody quit his job with COOR ISD, and the church will not be able to pay us enough to pay our bills, it is a relief to know there will be 3 fewer people to care for. As far as time management, laundry, cleaning, disciplining, ease of travel, etc. everything becomes exponentially easier. I am thankful, that the judge thinks their mom is making progress. I worry about whether or not they will be cared for they way I care for them, but I also know how happy the kids will be to be back with their mom. I have no idea how Brooklynn will adjust because she's so young and I can't explain it to her. The struggle is in the conflict of all those emotions... fear, relief, worry, anticipation, etc. but also...
Ya know when you give 2 weeks notice on a job? It doesn't matter how much you loved or hated that job, the last two weeks are miserable. Why? Because it's hard to walk back into something you know is ending and give it your best. You know someone else is about to come in and do your job in their way, and suddenly you think, "why bother?" So, this morning I woke up to a sweet yet screaming baby who was woken up by brothers jumping off their bunk beds squealing at 6:30am and who had smeared poop into the carpet in their bedroom and all over the bedding. And I thought... "remind me why again Lord?" It doesn't help that Ki has strep and I've been sick for the last 5 days. I just want to lay on the couch snuggling him all day. Add in a basement under construction (thereby doing away with our playroom and forcing children to be on top of me all day long) and I'm already a grouch. So... if you are one of the 2 people who read this, please pray for us as we navigate this next month and a half. I desire to be the best I can be for these little ones, and I want to leave them with a strong sense of who God is and how much He loves them... and my current attitude is probably not going to lead to those outcomes. Thanks. :)

#22

2010-02-01T07:06:00.002-05:00

I did NOT watch the Grammy's last night. Haven't watched them in years... because even though I'd like to, my husband thinks they're lame, and SOMEHOW he ALWAYS wins that battle. I must not care about watching them as much as I think I do. ;)

#21

2010-01-27T10:02:00.003-05:00

I am having a ridiculously non-productive week. Although I wake up each morning with fabulously large intentions, I am fizzle-ing out quite early in the day. I don't know what my deal is except that I feel... "off." It doesn't help that Brooklynn has decided to wake up at 6:30am the past 3 days instead of 9:30 or 10am. I am MUCH more productive when she's asleep, ha ha ha! I would blame it all on her, but she's too precious for that and yesterday afternoon when she and Jayden took their naps and Ki, Jordan and Ezra were at school, I decided to nap too. And last night when they were all in bed and Cody and I were watching TV, I decided to just sit instead of fold the 3 loads of laundry sitting in the room. If you know how to break this funk, enlighten me please!!!

#20

2010-01-26T12:50:00.004-05:00

This weekend my mom and dad, aunts and uncles, and one cousin, are coming "up north" to help renovate my basement. I have a nice basement, don't get me wrong, but we are doing a MAJOR overhaul. We had some money that we HAD to use on home improvements (it's a tax thing) so we've decided to build Cody a home office... and since we're framing up new walls anyway, we're going to also add a 4th bedroom. The new office means Cody will finally have a dedicated space for working on stuff for Praxis Church, instead of having only his lap and a seat in our family room. Hopefully this will prove to be very beneficial and increase productivity and creativity for him. The 4th room will mean that we can finally give Brooklynn a bedroom of her own and reclaim our room as ours. If the foster situation proves to be less long term than we anticipate, we figure it'll make a nice guest room (since my parents currently end up on an air mattress in the family room when they visit). In addition to all the wall building, they will be installing a bunch of recessed lighting, running duct work for heat in the new rooms, and drywalling the new walls as well as the ceiling!!! The lights and ceiling mean that here where we spend 75% of our year indoors thanks to winter, we'll have a light bright airy space for the kids to play! YAY! In addition, all this free "labor" means it's actually crazy cheap to do! Who knew building walls could cost so little?

So my confession??? I am RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED!!! and SO SO GRATEFUL!

#19

2010-01-25T10:22:00.002-05:00

It's been a while, and- it turns out- thinking of 30 random confessions is fairly difficult. I'm thinking my life is a lot less interesting than I thought... and I thought it was fairly boring. Still no news on Keagan, we're all still praying.

So today's confession? In all my years of teaching, one thing I know for certain is that 7 year old boys are EXTREMELY annoying to me. It's a phenomena that has always held my curiosity, and I am sad to report that my otherwise hilariously endearing and adorable 6 1/2 year old will be 7 at the end of February and is already showing signs of "the change." This might be a LONG year. ;)

#18

2010-01-20T08:09:00.002-05:00

There are days when I desire to encourage my husband with a "go get 'em", "you can do it", "be uber productive", "stay focused" type speech. I refrain because somewhere deep inside I fear that by the end of the day I will have revealed myself as a hypocrite. ;)

#17

2010-01-19T09:56:00.002-05:00

I LOVE the fact that Ezra and Ki are snugglers. It drives Cody insane that they both feel like they need to be touching us at all times (Cody enjoys hugs and snuggles, but in general prefers a little more space), but I feel like a colossal success each and every time they crawl up in my lap, or ask for a hug out of the blue, or complain that we haven't snuggled enough at the end of the day. And although I am sure it will lesson with time, I am desperately praying they never tire of random hugs for, and/or from mom. :)

#16

2010-01-17T22:51:00.003-05:00

If I had all kinds of "connections" I would want to audition for American Idol. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to BE on American Idol, there's just a part of me that wants to audition for Simon Cowell and know what he thinks. I think about that every stinking year right about now... lame, I know. I'm okay with that. ;)

Keagan #15

2010-01-17T21:03:00.002-05:00

For those who have been praying for Keagan, here's the Reader's Digest version of what's going on with my 9 year old nephew (as I understand it).

A month or so ago, Keagan started having some fairly severe headaches. About that time he also started having some trouble with his eyes. As most people would, we assumed he might be needing glasses. The problems continued to increase, to the point where he was seeing double frequently and normal levels of light were painful to him. Apparently, Keagan had already had a recent eye exam, so my sister took him to the pediatrician this past Monday. When the dr. looked in his eyes, he immediately said Keagan needed to see an opthamologist and get in for a cat scan. The opthamologist confirmed this on Tuesday morning and said that Keagan's right eye was protruding about 6mm farther forward than his left. This would seem to indicate that something was behind the eye pushing it out. He went in for his cat scan and the doctors saw that there was a cyst on his petuitary gland. Wednesday morning he went in for an MRI and we waited for the results. Friday morning the doctor called my sister at work and said she needed to get Keagan out of school and take him to the hospital immediately for a spinal tap. When they arrived, she was told that Keagan had multiple grey areas in his brain that were "irregular". Apparently the myelin sheath surrounding the nerve endings in his brain is sloughing off. For the moment they are treating this with steroids, but they are waiting on test results from Mayo Clinic to verify the actual problem. At this point, doctors think it is probably one of 3 things...
1. A.D.E.M. (acute disseminated encephalomyelitis) which is rare and only 6-10 people a year are diagnosed with it in the United States. He is not presenting with enough of the symptoms to know if that's what it is, but that is what they are treating him for at the moment.
2. M.S. - Equally rare because he is so young for an onset of MS.
3. Cerebral Palsy- Even more rare because he hasn't shown symptoms prior to now.

We should hear back from Mayo by next weekend, and Keagan is scheduled for another MRI at the end of this month. This morning Keagan was back in the ER with a severe migraine, and when they admitted him they found that his heart rate was half of what it should have been. They don't really know why that happened, but once he stabilized they sent him back home.

We would appreciate all your prayers as the doctors seek to determine what is going on with his little body. Thank you in advance!

#14

2010-01-17T20:53:00.002-05:00

Late again, I know. Lots of family drama this weekend, which I will elaborate on in the next post, I promise. However, I did make this commitment and I will try to honor it.

Today's confession? I care too much what other people think. I'd like to think I don't, but I do. Some aspects of this are annoying but not troublesome, for instance... when I'm with friends who dress preppy, I try to dress preppy. When I'm with friends who don't care, I'm in jeans and a t-shirt, when I'm with family or friends from college I can't wait to pull out the pajama bottoms. That's annoying, but not cause for concern, I think most of us do that to some extent.

However, I have some friends who are super spiritual... and when I'm with them, I feel like I'm lacking. It makes me want to read the Bible more and have deep theological discussions. I have other friends who are super popular types, and I end up feeling like a big dork. I want to watch the really "in" tv shows and buy myself a new wardrobe, and be one of those girls who spend significant time trying to look good. Then I have other friends who are all earthy and artistic, who rip on people like the ones I just mentioned, and I want to deny the fact that there are parts of me that like pop culture and enjoy being a little preppy. I want to be more cutting edge and think outside of the box more instinctively. None of these responses are bad in and of themselves except for the fact that they are bred out of insecurity and not a sense of who I am in Christ. I'm working on it.

I'm hoping my 30's breed a greater sense of self than my 20's did. I know it's really all a God thing.

#13 a day late

2010-01-15T08:30:00.000-05:00

So I totally forgot to do this yesterday... oops!

So yesterday's confession? I REALLY like my husband. I mean REALLY REALLY... I know people say that, but I REALLY do. Since we're here at my parents' house, and (unlike home) there are more than 2 restaurants to choose from, we took advantage of the free babysitting and went on a date! WOO! HOO! Granted, we waited til all the kids were in bed, and not much is open at 9:30pm on a Thursday night (not even any late movies), but we made the most of it. We went to Carrabas for dinner, and then just drove around talking for a while. It was nice to get away and have grown-up conversation without children interrupting or the weight of household or work responsibilities encroaching on us. We haven't been on a date since our anniversary in December, and that one we spent in a mad dash to get Christmas shopping done. I'm not sure we've had any other dates since Nov. 2nd when we added the foster kids to the mix. Up until that point we were pretty faithful with our weekly date night, so this has been quite a drought. So, last night I came home knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I REALLY like my husband. :) And if this foster situation does not become something permanent, one bright spot is that my weekly date nights will probably resume. And that's something I can smile about. ;)

#12

2010-01-13T23:44:00.003-05:00

So today I did 7 loads of laundry, went grocery shopping, took two kids to preschool, packed up 6 members of the family for our 4 day stint in Portage, paid a few bills, tracked down a dvd payer for the car, emailed the dogsitter, and a few more things. All this between 6am and 5pm.

My confession? I did absolutely nothing to bond with my kids today... other than buying some Twizzlers to surprise them with during the car ride. I believe I said "not right now" and "I just don't have time for that today" more times today than I have in the past month, maybe longer. :(
Gonna have to make up for that tomorrow.

#11

2010-01-12T16:56:00.002-05:00

Today we celebrate 9 months since the launch of Praxis Church!!! Seems insane, but last Easter morning we woke up and (along with the excitement Easter always brings) had no idea how to feel. It had only been a few weeks since we had officially left our previous ministry job, and we had fully intended to be having some sort of small group type thingy in our home. One thing led to another and we thought, "why not rent one of the local town halls for Easter and just see what happens?" 41 people came to that first gathering and 2 people made committments to God! :) So we started meeting every other week and the rest is history, er... um... is the beginning of our history.
So my confession is... in the depths of my soul I have known for a LONG time, that God designed my husband for this. For a church that's stripped of everything superficial, that's not polished, but is totally inviting. That is about loving, being real, and creating together. Where you can come as you are and humor/fun is woven into the fabric of everything. He never believed it about himself, I'm not convinced he does even now, but he has found his sweet spot, and I couldn't be happier for him. And in case he's reading this, I'd just like to say, "I told you so!" ;)

Confession #10... I've never...

2010-01-11T18:38:00.002-05:00

Ever played the game "I've never"? It came up in conversation the other day and I've been debating making it one of my posts... in an effort to remain transparent with whomever is reading, here goes...

I've never smoked an entire cigarette or cigar.
I've never been skiing. Not downhill, not cross-country, not water.
I've never been drunk.
I've never been on a snowmobile (yup and I live in northern Michigan).
I've never had sex outside of marriage.
I've never bleached any hair on my face... sorry brown haired girlfriends!
I've never used any drugs (unless you count vicodin when I had kidney stones... ha ha ha).
I've never been good at managing my temper or my words.
I've never had braces (legs or teeth).
I've never gotten the tattoo that I want (or any other tattoo).
There's more, but I'm drawing a blank.

On the flip side:
I have tried smoking both cigarettes and cigars, it didn't appeal to me.
I've been sledding, and tubing, and hiking.
I do drink, but I don't like beer, or anything that actually tastes like alchohol. Basically, if it's fruity I'll probably like it.
I like four-wheeling, although I don't get to do it as often as I'd like.
Although Cody's my "one and only"- I still have lots of past relationship regrets. If I only could have known then what I know now.
I do tweeze my eyebrows. ;)
I had an epidural during the last 4 hours of labor with Ezra. In my defense, (for those of you who think I need one) I went into labor Saturday night, and Ezra was born Thursday afternoon... contractions about 1 minute apart the entire time.
No flip side for the anger or tendency to talk to much.
No braces, but in 4th and 5th grade I had a retainer called a "Frankle" that did nothing for my teeth, but was supposed to move my lower jaw forward and correct a slight overbite. Since I never wore it, I'm fairly sure it didn't work. :D
I am planning to get that tattoo soon... just having a hard time knowing how to find a good tattoo artist. I'm too anal to risk getting a crappy tattoo.

Anything you've "never" done?

Confession #9

2010-01-10T19:22:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I let kids sit in stinky diapers an extra 15-20 minutes so I can keep reading stuff on facebook. Feel free to judge. ;)

#8

2010-01-09T16:25:00.004-05:00

Confession #8... if I had the time I would have sent this as a message to each and every one of my facebook and email friends... that's how much I love it! For a closer look, click on the pic!

(special thanks to Sara Luke of Less Ordinary Designs for designing it! www.etsy.com/shop/lukecommasara )

Confession #6

2010-01-07T08:15:00.002-05:00

Um... Sunday morning my husband challenged the people attending Praxis to read the New Testament together over the next 30 days. I thought this was awesome, and totally agreed to join in. Today is day #4 of the challenge, and I am already 3 days behind. Impressive, I know.

Confession #5

2010-01-06T09:09:00.002-05:00

Confession #5:
I am an ooey gooey, embarrassingly hopeless, romantic... but in less than conventional ways. I don't read romance novels, I don't love all things "victorian", I don't appreciate pinks and florals, I don't like the movie "Gone With the Wind" (although the book is to die for),etc. However, most chick flicks will strike my fancy... as long as the man is a man's man and not too sugar coated. Also, I believe in love at first sight and soul mates--- no matter what my cynical husband might say about that. ;)
More than that, I am a champion of the irresistible "only in the movies" kind of love. I get absolutely sick to my stomach when I know someone is about to "settle" for something comfortable or familiar. I think we sell ourselves short because we're afraid of being alone. I know, I almost went there. I am so thankful the hopeless romantic in me couldn't be silenced and never lost hope that there could be something... well... more. Someday Cody should probably thank me for that... ha ha ha!
On a spiritual level, I wonder if God ever thinks I'm settling? He wants to have this completely intense, totally passionate relationship with me, and I sit here thinking, "yeah, I'm finally comfortable right where I am. This is nice. Not fantastic, but dependable and safe." He must hate that more than I do.
On a completely non-spiritual level, (and maybe this is an even bigger confession) when I'm watching Days of Our Lives (yup, I said it!) I never know whether I want Sammy and EJ to be together; because I like her with the new guy (Rafe) but I just can't shake the feeling that what she and EJ have is that undeniable kind of love. And I want that for him...and for her. Sick, I know. And just in case you're wondering how I find time for a soap, I DVR it. And I justify my behavior by watching it on nights when kids are in bed and Cody's at a meeting. And I fold laundry while I watch, somehow making it less of a waste of my time... ha ha ha!

Green with Envy

2010-01-05T08:17:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I am jealous of my dog. There are many things I could envy about his life... the lack of stress, ability to nap whenever he feels like it, the fact that someone else prepares all of his meals and cleans up after him...

But the thing I envy the most? When he needs to "relieve" himself, he goes outside and no one follows him. No matter how long he takes, he gets to be alone for all of it. No little ones wanting to tell him a story, or asking him to break up a fight or solve a quarrel, he just goes in peace. I could use a little of that. I'm just sayin'...

Confession #3- Babies...

2010-01-04T08:15:00.002-05:00

I don't like babies. It's true, and horrifying to some of you. Others have known this about me for quite some time. When Ezra was born I assumed it would all be euphoric and wonderful, and it was at times, but I also had this nagging sense that I wasn't loving it the same way some of my friends were. Having been on bedrest, I was battling a ridiculous amount of fatigue and within 6 weeks I was back to teaching 5th graders, so I assumed my lack of... um... "euphoria"... had it's reasons. Cody however, was very vocal about the fact that he was CERTAIN he was NOT a "baby person." How can men be so sure of things like that?

After prayer and research, we decided to pursue an INFANT adoption next (I know, right?). When we brought Ki home he was 4 days old, and it was wonderful for a time. However, about 2 months into it all, I knew I loved both my boys with my whole heart- and then some, but I also knew (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that I was NOT a "baby person" either. Cody and I promised each other, "no more babies."

So imagine my surprise 4 years later, when (after pursuing adoption through the foster care system this time around) we found ourselves with 3 more children... a 4 year old, a 3 year old, and a BABY! Seriously God?!? Although, as I've said a million times now, if you HAD to have a baby, Brooklynn's the baby you'd want. She's practically perfect at all times and couldn't be easier if she tried. Tonight however, she's crying and cutting another tooth. So as I look forward to a very long night I can't help but think... "I am SO NOT A BABY PERSON!"

God's teaching me something, I know He is, but I'll need a little more sleep if I'm gonna have the energy or clarity to figure it out. ;)

(additional little confession... I am writing tomorrow's post tonight, but setting it to pop up for everyone else tomorrow)

Old School

2010-01-03T08:51:00.001-05:00

Okay, random confession #2... my favorite Will Smith song of all time is not from one of his albums, it's from the TV show The Fresh Prince of Bellaire (yup, I watched it, regularly). I'm sure it doesn't have a title, because his character is just making it up while trapped in a basement with his girlfriend (his girlfriend who's pulling off her fake nails and taking out her weave).
It goes:
"I'm stuck in a basement sitting on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. Goin' out of my mind I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers..." ha ha ha!

What makes it even more great is that when I was dating Cody I randomly broke out the first line of the song, and he threw out the second line... should have known then that he was the one. ;) We still throw it around from time to time, usually when we're stuck somewhere or extremely bored.

Anyone remember this one?

Wishful Thinking...

2010-01-02T09:18:00.002-05:00

So, I am going to attempt 30 days of authenticity. Each day I will post something odd, and honest, and we'll see where the month takes us. :) All will be short because life is too insane for long posts. Some will be funny (I hope) and some will be deep (probably) and others might just be too much information. Consider yourself forewarned... ;)

So, I'll start with the most shocking thing I can think of at this particular moment...
This morning when I woke up and was getting into the shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and for a split second I wished I was pregnant. Not because I want to be pregnant, or because I want another baby, but because then I'd have a good excuse for the excess weight in my mid-section. Yup... I did. AND... it's not the first time I've had that thought. ;)

PRIMAL

2009-12-16T10:15:00.002-05:00

So a few weeks ago I was asked to participate in a "blog tour" of Mark Batterson's new book, "Primal." If you remember, last year at this time I was singing the praises of his book, "Wild Goose Chase," so I was super excited to receive an advanced copy of his latest writing venture. So far, I have not been disappointed. :)
I say "so far," because I am not finished with the book. To be perfectly honest, I am only half way through chapter 4. Although it is a quick read, there's a lot to chew on, and I'm trying to take my time. Couple that with 5 children under the age of 6, Christmas, family events, a church plant, etc. and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. However, I did say I would blog about my take on the book, and that I would do it this week, so here goes...
In an effort to save time, and keep at least one eye on the little boys wrestling on the living room floor at the moment and a baby who is grunting in a way that makes me think a diaper change is looming, I'm just going to use bullets to share the parts of the book I underlined (meaning I agree, they struck a chord, or I wanna think more about them). I will, asap, write a more thorough review, but hopefully this will give you a taste.
Chapter 1:

"I couldn't help but wonder if we have diluted the truths of Christianity and settled for superficialities. I couldn't help but wonder if we have accepted a form of Christianity that is more educated but less powerful, more civilized but less compassionate, more acceptable but less authentic than that which our spiritual ancestors practiced."
"The heart of Christianity is primal compassion. The soul of Christianity is primal wonder. The mind of Christianity is primal curiosity. The strength of Christianity is primal energy."
"Go back to that place where God opened your eyes and broke your heart with compassion for others. Go back to that place where the glory of God flooded your soul and left you speechless with wonder. Go back to the place where thoughts about God filled your mind with holy curiosity. Go back to that place where a God-given dream caused a rush of adrenaline that filled you with supernatural energy." (just fyi... my "place" for most of these is Somerset Beach Campground)

Chapter 2:

"If you are in Christ, and Christ is in you, you cannot be okay with suffering or injustice or starvation. Why? Because His heart is in you. And His heart beats for the suffering, the victim, the poor, and the needy."
"Have you ever experienced a sympathy breakthrough? A moment when your inclination to hate was overcome by your will to love? A moment when proactive compassion overrode reactive anger? A moment when you cared more about someone else's pain than your own? Those are the moments when you recapture parts of your soul that you have lost. Those are the moments when you learn what it really means to love God with all your heart."
"...compassion is always the right reaction."
"Let me ask you a question: what will kill you if you don't do it? What makes you glad or sad or mad? What puts a holy smile on your face? What causes your spirit to sob uncontrollably? What makes you pound your fists on the table out of righteous indignation? Somewhere in the mixture of that gladness, sadness and madness is your God-ordained passion. Or maybe I should say compassion, because you are feeling what God feels. And once you identify it, doing something about it isn't optional. You can't not do something about it."

That's where I'll end for today, the baby smell and wrestling require my attention. I wish I could afford to buy 100 copies and give them to everyone attending Praxis Church as a Christmas present, because I believe if we were all got "Primal" in our faith at the same time, amazing things would happen! I can't, so I will say this, if your interest is peaked, click on the title of this post and it will take you to a site where you can buy it for yourself.

I'll try to post again tomorrow. I'll be praying that you find something primal in your life today... something stripped of all the excess and reminiscent of how it all began. Something pure, that brings you joy... GREAT JOY!

Until then...

continuation...

2009-10-27T00:26:00.003-04:00

Sorry 'bout the last post, but it kind of illustrated what I was trying to say... not enough time... or focus.

This past weekend I went to Traverse City to meet up with one of my good friends from high school and college. She was staying there for a media specialists convention and wondered if I might be up for a "girls night out!" Oh yeah! Cody told me to take the opportunity and stay an extra night at the hotel by myself. He thought I might enjoy some time to re-group and breathe just a bit. I needed it... I know I did. But somehow, after a day away from my husband and kids, I just wanted to be home. I knew when I left that I needed to get some intense one-on-one time with God and figure out where I'm headed, where I'd like to be headed, where God wants me headed, and how to get where I should be going. Did that make sense? Anyway, after parting ways with Rachel, I finished the last of my to-do list, and then drove to a scenic overlook on the bay, pulled out my Bible and a notepad, and attempted to make the time I've been missing. I made goals for 4 main areas of my life (all of them overlap incessantly, but oh well): spiritual, relational, physical, and personal. Each goal had 2 or 3 action steps.

What I realized as I processed was that I haven't been taking care of myself. I think that we are supposed to put others before ourselves, don't get me wrong, that's scriptural... but it says, "before" ---not to "ignore" yourself. When I am drained, I do not respect my husband the way I should. When I am tired, I do not respond to my children from the well-spring of love I have for them, but rather from the ragged edges of my last nerve. When I am overweight and generally unhealthy I do not treat myself with kindness or confidence. When all of the above overwhelm me, time alone with God becomes one more thing on the "to-do" list, instead of a welcome respite in my day. I say all this because I think its what women do... moms especially. I think it's the way we are most vulnerable. We get so busy taking care of everyone, that... eventually... we can't take care of anyone. All because we don't slow down long enough to take care of ourselves. To reflect on who we are, who we desire to be, and delight in our Savior who loving agrees to guide us along the way.

Much to my dismay, I spent my entire day today in bed. I have this inner ear vertigo thing that happens once every 6 months or so. I wake up raring to start the day, and then the room spins uncontrollably (like a head rush that doesn't stop), I start to feel like I'm going to vomit, and I wind up back in bed. I'm unable to sit up, open my eyes, or even talk for fear of more spinning and vomiting. I take some motion sickness meds, lay in the dark for the next 8 hours, and finally around dinnertime am able to eat a little, sit a little, and talk a little. Eventually, I feel fine, but weak.... that's where I am now.

And what did I learn today? Everything went fine without me. Don't get me wrong, I have a phenomenal husband who took a sick day and handled everything...and he did have his share of "what should I do about________?" questions, but it went fine without me. And maybe that's the point. I CAN take time for myself. It WILL benefit everyone in the long run, and it'll be okay for short bursts of time without me.
So... now I'm a "yes mom" who takes "me time." :) At least that's one of my new goals. Thought I'd put it out there to hold myself more accountable... and because I like to ramble on needlessly when I write. ;)

Not Enough Time

2009-10-21T12:25:00.003-04:00

wow, it has been too long... (and this post probably will be too) and in the interest of authenticity, I don't really even want to write right now. The crazy thing is that I've been "intending" to write for some time and I keep putting it off. Today, out of the blue, I've had 2 comments on old posts. Strange. I'm taking it as a sign that I just need to do it.

I'm not sure if anyone else is in this position (although I'm willing to bet more than a few are) but I just don't have enough time. I feel like life has been in hyper-mode for a few months now and the cumulative effect is becoming a bit too much, on EVERY level.
Ezra is in first grade now (and no, he did NOT start the year with a mohawk... maybe next time I cut his hair), and Malaki started preschool 3 mornings a week. I should be "doing the happy dance and feelin' the flow" with all this extra alone time, but as is my style I have found ways to fill the time. Both boys are adjusting well to their new environments and continue to amaze me with their abilities to make friends with so little effort. Is it because they're males? Or kids? I don't know, but I envy them.

Ki turned 4 yesterday and I can NOT stress to you how much I HATE the 4th birthday. It happened with Ezra, and now with Ki, but something less than magical happens on birthday number 4 that changes my adorable little toddlers into equally adorable but significantly older seeming little boys. We had a wonderful time celebrating him, and I found myself thanking God almost once every 5 minutes or so for His hand leading Ki to us through adoption. I could not adore him more if I tried, and my heart aches to think there was ever a chance he wouldn't end up as my child. It sounds crazy given how much I disliked being pregnant with Ezra (love Ezra, just hated pregnancy) but I actually find myself mourning those lost 9 months with Ki. Anyway, he got an MP3 player and although I thought he was a little too young for it, he has done a great job taking care of it (yes I know it's only been one day) and has been thoroughly entertained for the last hour just listening to his tunes. Right now I can hear him singing, "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord... You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God, You do not faint, You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak, You comfort those in need, You lift us up on wings like eagles..." and just in case you think we're overly impressive or overly churchy... the song before that was "Sherry" by Frankie Valli. tee! hee!

Now my little ADD brain is struggling to find my train of thought while he sings...

gonna have to come back to this later... sorry. ;)

PRAXIS update

2009-08-01T10:34:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to encourage you to check out our new church website!
www.createpraxis.com

"Yes" Mom

2009-06-30T12:38:00.003-04:00

So, I was challenged the other day by another mom to become a "yes" mom. I've been thinking about it a lot since then. The idea is that many times as moms we say "no" to something without really thinking about our reasoning. Sometimes I say no because I don't want to deal with the mess the proposed activity will create (ie. painting, playdough, putting the hose in the sandbox to make mud-castles, etc.). Sometimes I say no because of the time involved ("mom, will you read me this book?"- when its a 150 page novel), and sometimes I say no because of the extra work it will add to my already busy day ("mom, can I have a friend over to play?"- then of course there's extra food to make, a friend to go pick up, another mom to call and coordinate with, etc.). How many times do I say "no" with completely selfish motives? ouch. Don't get me wrong, there are totally appropriate times to say no... I'm just realizing that those times are far less frequent than I think.... and that I can be really selfish. So, I am going to try being more of a "yes" mom. I'm going to try to evaluate my motives BEFORE giving an answer, and I'm putting it out there for you to read because I want to feel accountable.

The above pictures are an example of a small step in the right direction. This was Ezra's last day of kindergarten, and he asked me to cut his hair to look like his daddy's. I wasn't totally sold on the idea, but I figured, it's just hair. So we buzzed it with a 1 guard and I felt happy to have given him something he wanted. Unfortunately, he cried because he had been hoping I would bic it the way daddy does. :) Since I don't plan on shaving his head with a razor (he would never sit still enough and I'm terrified he'd end up with a sunburned skull) it'll have to do. This morning he told me he wants a mohawk the 1st day of first grade... ;)

Also, I wish I had a photo of the tent we built to hide their bunk bed... I'm glad I didn't go with my gut response to that question... hours of fun for everyone! :)

So, "Just say 'YES!'" and if you hear me say "no" for no good reason, hit me. :)

our life in a nutshell

2009-06-11T22:42:00.007-04:00

We've had lots of "events" lately, and I know I am doing a terrible job of keeping the blog up-to-date... in an attempt to make up for it, here's a summary of our most recent actvities...

Ezra finished kindergarten and asked to spend the day golfing with daddy to celebrate--- Cody was happy to humor him. :)
Grandma and Grandpa Gascho bought 100 chicks, and we are attempting to help raise them... I'm wondering/worried about how the boys will react when it's time to take them to the butcher. I'm looking forward to the less expensive, organic, free range chicken this year... I guess I need to buy a freezer though.
The boys both played soccer this spring and it was hilarious. Ezra's getting pretty good for his age, and Ki... well, whenever the grass wasn't more interesting, he did fairly well. tee! hee!
I downloaded Skype yesterday so we can chat with friends who are far away... haven't used it yet. I'm hoping to get my parents using it.
Our foster care license FINALLY came through! We are now just waiting for a call...
Praxis continues to go well, and we continue to be exhausted and prayerful. Trying to discern God's will for us as we pursue this adventure.
We had our first campfire of the year tonight... mmmmm... smores....
My children are hooked on "Deadliest Catch." Ezra can name all the boats, their captains, and some crew members. I'm just thankful he hasn't asked why there's so much beeping when the men are talking. ;)
Ki is obsessed with the Styx song, "Mr. Roboto" and has an impressive robot dance to go with it.

I'm sure there's more, but I can hear Cody snoring in the next room and I can't think of anything else at the moment. Hope all is well with all of you!

PRAXIS...

2009-04-15T10:49:00.002-04:00

It has been a while since my last post, and because of that I am now avoiding posting at all. So much has happened and I'm not sure I have the time, energy, or focus to write about it all in a meaningful way. Still, I know that the longer I wait, the harder this all becomes, and I am LOVING the things that are happening in my life and want to put them out there for all to view and interact with. :)
So here goes...

Last Sunday (Easter) we held the first service of our new church. :) Not the first service AT a new church, but the FIRST service of a NEW church. For years we have been feeling called to do something different in our community. For much of that time, Cody was attempting to make some of those passions and ideas relevant to his position of associate pastor at the church he was employed at. We kept praying for direction, inspiration, etc., and it just never seemed to go anywhere. Small gains, but still not really doing the things we knew God was calling us to do.

This past fall, we felt God finally release Cody from his position at that church. We tried looking for (and interviewing for) other church jobs in other towns, but eventually realized God was releasing us from our church, but not from this community. That we were supposed to start intentionally meeting with people who don't like church, who won't come through the doors of other churches in our community, or who haven't yet found a place they feel like they belong. We assumed we would be meeting as a small group, hoped it would eventually become a couple small groups, and barely dared to dream it might become a church (although God had placed that desire in our hearts). Cody started looking for another job and immediately found one (has to be a God thing in this economy) and resigned his position as associate pastor. Well, one thing led to another rather quickly. Our small group wanted more... we knew God was calling us to more... we decided to risk it all and chase the dream! :) This has happened in the span of about 6 weeks...

So here we are... a church called Praxis. A bi-vocational husband and a million responsibilities. Over 40 people showing up for a first gathering, with only 2 weeks to spread the word, and no attempts at publicity other than word of mouth. 2 people decided to restart their relationship with God during the first talk! We are overwhelmed and humbled by God's provision and blessing. We are sensing something much larger at work and are excited to be in on the ground floor! We are hoping others will sense it too and want to join us... whether praying, moving here to help, praying, sending financial support, praying, attending our gatherings, praying, joining the launch team, praying, volunteering, praying... well you get the idea. None of this could have happened in our strength... so, we're hoping others see that too and will ask God if it's something they're supposed to be a part of as well. Now I'm rambling, but I warned this wouldn't be as eloquent as I'd like it to be... ;)

I have so much more to say, but really just can't find words. If you're curious to know more, I'd love to chat... Cody too. :) Otherwise, if you think of it, pray for us and for Praxis and for all involved! Thanks!!!

Soul Cravings...

2009-03-10T08:26:00.003-04:00

So, I've been re-reading "Soul Cravings" by Erwin Raphael McManus this week. Actually, I've been re-reading all the spots I had folded the page corner down or underlined something. I find this to be such an inspiring read... lots about God, connectedness, and hope... what more do we need?

Here are some of my favorites from the book:

"The more we live disconnected lives, the more we become indifferent to the well-being of others."

"God's love for us is never passive, but always passionate; and passion always leads to action."

"When we are full of hope, it's not because everything in the future is certain to us, but because the future itself is filled with promise... hope comes only from something we do not yet have, something we have not yet attained."

-Quoting Viktor Frankl, "He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how."

"When we live beneath our humanity, we become inhumane. When we live genuinely human lives, we become translucent reflections of divinity."

"Our brokenness is not proof that God could not or would not love us, but proof that what we need is the God who both created and loves us. What our souls long to become is not something other than human, but to become beautifully human."

"It's a troubling thing when your soul demands what your brain rejects. I guess if you think about it, if it wasn't for God, we might find ourselves capable of drowning in despair and thinking it was our natural habitat. Instead, we will always be haunted by this soul craving, this seemingly irrational need for hope."

I couldn't have said it any better... hope you are filled with hope and longing today... :)

Answers

2009-03-05T08:43:00.001-05:00

1. Lately by Jodeci
2. Playground by Another Bad Creation
3. El Segundo by Tribe Called Quest
4. Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
5. Freshmen by Verve Pipe
6. Jane Says by Jane's Addiction
7. Desperado by The Eagles
8. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
9. Not Your Stepping Stone by The Monkees
10. Better Man by Pearl Jam
11. When I See You Smile by Bad English
12. Surrender by Trixter (this one I knew would be totally random for
most people)
13. Glory of Love by Peter Cetera (Karate Kid Theme Song)
14. To Be With You by Mr. Big
15. I'd Die Without You by PM Dawn

Oh and the last line of the blog is from the song Cantaloop by US3.

Name that Tune/Memory Lane

2009-03-04T15:42:00.003-05:00

So, Cody introduced me to "Songza" last week and I am HOOKED! At the moment I do not have an ipod. To be honest and far more lame, I have NEVER owned an ipod, or even an mp3 player of any sort. Strange cuz I'm a music nut. Anyway...
My latest addiction is finding songs lost to me long ago, most of which remind me of a specific place or person. It's SO FUN! I'm most struck by random lines in the song that I had forgotten I knew... and somehow still remember! So, if you're out there, see if you can guess the song based on the line provided...

1. "I'm a man of many wishes, hope my premonition misses..." (hint: "some of you may know this song, it's an oldie... but a goodie...")

2. "I gotta break cuz my mother said, 'Be home by de-zart.'"

3. "It was a nice little pub in the middle of nowhere. Anywhere wouldda been better, I ordered enchiladas and I ate 'em. Ali had the fruit punch..."

4. "I'm so far away each step that I take's on my way home..."

5. "We try to wash our hands of all of this, we never talk of a lack in relationships..."

6. "...have you seen my wig around? I feel naked without it..."

7. "Don't ya draw the queen of diamonds boy, she'll beat you if she's able. But the queen of hearts is always your best bet..."

8. "I find it hard, it's hard to find, oh well- whatever- nevermind..." (doesn't everyone know this one?)

9. "You're reading all your high fashion magazines, the clothes you're wearin' girl are causin' public scenes..."

10. "she dreams in color, she dreams in red..." (okay, not the most random line in the song, but what can you do?)

11. "sometimes I wanna give up, I wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight..."

12. "You use words as weapons, I use love as a shield. So tell me, why're we on this battlefield?"

13. "Sometimes I just forget, say things I might regret..."

14. "Build up your confidence, so you can be on top for once. Wake up, who cares about little boys who talk too much?

15. "Is it my turn to hold you by your hands? Tell you I love you and you'd hear me..."

So many songs, so little time! HA! HA! Hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane, there's just something fun about good music and good friends. :) If you're looking for a good song to remind you of me (you know you are) try "Amanda" by Waylon Jennings, Painted Orange, or Boston. tee! hee! I'm sure I inspired all 3... ;)

Just for good measure, I also have "Informer" by Snow on my list, but I had no idea how to write any lines from that song... :)

So, guess away and post any that you think you've figured out! We'll see if anyone can get them all! Oh and as you're guessing, just jump to the jam boogie woogie jam slam...

Thought I'd Share...

2009-03-03T20:56:00.002-05:00

Just got a parenting idea from a friend and thought I'd pass it along... if you can't find time for a "date" with each of your children as often as you'd like, make a date for "late night." Once a week, keep one of your children up 15-20 minutes later than the rest. Once everyone else is settled into bed, let that one child have uninterrupted mommy and daddy time. AND... let them choose how to spend it! This is something I KNOW we can do, and that excites me! And, since it excites me, I thought it might excite you too! :) Any other great ideas?!?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

2009-02-14T21:58:00.000-05:00

One of my ALL TIME FAVORITE pics of Cody and I!

More Connected?

2009-02-10T09:32:00.002-05:00

So, after living here in the boondocks for 5 years, they have finally figured out a way to get us high speed internet! (and for only $10 more a month!) WOO! HOO! We've had dial-up all this time and it was getting old. We couldn't watch any video clips, download things with large picture files, listen to music, etc. without getting timed out and kicked off the internet. So... thanks to DSL we should do a better job of being "connected." Hopefully that means more photos on this blog and that I'll find an excuse to update it more frequently. :) Unfortunately, now facebook is giving me problems so I can't go through and look at all the stuff friends have posted that I've wanted to see! I did finally add pics to this blog, specifically the post about Ki's birthday. I think there are a few more that I need to work on as well. In the meantime, thanks for your patience and keep your eyes open for new posts and or additions to old ones! :)

Moments...

2009-02-10T09:25:00.002-05:00

These are the moments I wish I would capture more often. Absolutely nothing exciting, just the reality of walking through the store with the boys... an unspoken tenderness, trust, comfort, etc. A moment where you realize, "this is the life I always wanted."

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Sorry it's been a while...

2009-01-24T11:12:00.003-05:00

I'm having trouble posting lately because I'm not really sure I have all that much to say. :) Those that know me would find that to be a comical statement, considering how much I TALK! Still, it's one thing to be a motor mouth in the moment with one or two friends, and completey another to write those same thoughts down and put them out there for who knows who to read. Not to mention the fact that I'm a little too ADD to write anything coherent when there's distractions around me... and there are ALWAYS distractions. Right now the boys are in here... Ezra's playing around on the piano and Ki's running in circles taunting the dog. It has taken me 20 minutes to write this little bit. Some of my longest posts have taken less time, but if you notice, most of them are late at night when everyone else is sleeping!
So, I promise, the moment inspiration strikes again, or I have a few moments without the chaos, I will be back...

Christmas Confusion...

2008-12-29T00:44:00.002-05:00

So a few years back we were trying to explain to Ezra that Christmas is actually about Jesus' birthday and NOT about Santa Claus (still working on that by the way), and Ezra decided that we can't really celebrate Jesus' birthday unless we have a birthday cake. Solid reasoning right? So, since that time, it has been a family tradition to have birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas Eve.

This year I was making the cake with Ki and he said, "Mom, that cake is for Jesus right?" I said it was, and he said, "and Jesus lives in my heart, right?" I said yes. Ki got this terrible look on his face and went quiet. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and said, "Mom, I don't want you to cut me open and feed Jesus his cake. That would really hurt!!!"

My children are HILARIOUS...

Snow Days

2008-12-09T16:48:00.002-05:00

I'm just wondering at what point in my life will the words, "Snow Day!" not thrill me? As a child, those were some of the most amazing words in the English language. The one time they cancelled school in college, my friends and I embarked on a "great adventure" (very fun!). As a fifth grade teacher my love for the words grew to a level I cannot even begin to express in words... For the past few years I babysat for friends who teach, so the "snow day call" meant I could sleep 'til my boys woke up and have a day alone with them. This year it just means Ezra's home and fun should be had by all. I LOVE SNOW DAYS! Today was #3 and we convinced daddy to take a long lunch, so sledding and hot cocoa were had by all (even Grandma Gascho joined the sledding fun since she didn't have to teach today)! And although it means we'll have school longer into the summer, I hope there's many more to come. :)

Ezra's First Snow Day EVER!

2008-11-25T14:39:00.002-05:00

This was Ezra's first snow day! November 25th, 2008! So, since it was so close to Thanksgiving... what were we to do?!? We don't believe in making "snowmen" so, a turkey it was. :)

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HALLOWEEN with Thing 1 and Thing 2!

2008-11-03T12:02:00.003-05:00

Malaki is now THREE!

2008-10-20T11:20:00.003-04:00

Well, my little one is THREE YEARS OLD TODAY! How is that possible?!? Ki is becoming such a little man. He is developing his own, very distinct, personality and I love that I am home to experience every minute of it!

It has been a hard 2 months for him since Ezra left for all day kindergarten, but he is beginning to come into his own, and I am learning so much more about him now that it's just the two of us. Strange how different he is when he's playing off Ezra's personality verses just spending time with me. His language skills are gaining with leaps and bounds these days, and he's starting to become quite the storyteller. He is determined to be a "wock stah" (rock star) when he grows up, and with his love of music, I wouldn't be surprised if he accomplishes that goal. :)

For his birthday he wanted a "Little Einsteins" party, so I made a very lame attempt at making him a "rocket" birthday cake. The frosting gave me A LOT of trouble, but other than that, I think it turned out fine. Ki loved it, and as soon as I get a chance, I'll add some pics to this post.

For now, you can check out the video Cody made to celebrate the past year of Ki's life: www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuoHPyl8K3w

I thank God everyday for the blessing of having Ki in my life. The adoption process was a pain in the rear, but the result has been priceless. What a treasure I have in my little man!

Wild Goose Chase

2008-09-05T14:52:00.002-04:00

So I've been reading a LOT lately. Not really sure why, but there's been this gnawing need to know more... like something waiting at the gates, dying to be let in, a hunger or thirst of some sort. I read Margaret Feinberg's "Organic God" and "The Sacred Echo." I read, "The Shack" (I could, and probably will write an entire blog about that one... LOVED IT!) and "Soul Cravings" by Erwin Raphael McManus. But this morning I started, "Wild Goose Chase" by Mark Batterson. I'm only 2 chapters in and I am almost shaking with excitement, fear, and revelation. I hesistate to write any of this, because what if I don't feel this way tomorrow? But most of me knows that I have felt this way for years and today was the first time I even entertained the idea that it might be something that requires my action.

Since about 6 months into our move here to Fairview I started having this ache for all the abandoned housing in our town. Then I learned that our county has the highest percentages in Michigan for unemployment, poverty, and homelessness. How do you live in Northern Michigan without a home (especially in the winter)? Most of our homeless are classified as "hidden homeless" because they bounce from home to home, living with friends and family, or in cars, etc. Our schools can attest to the impacts that has, as so many children are in and out of schools as they bounce from one part of the county to another.

So the ache, combined with the knowledge, and I started wondering, "How do we connect all these homeless families with all these empty houses?" The truth is, any housing that might be affordable, is not very liveable. We have lots of cabins for sale around here, but few are insulated for winter use. Many old homes available, but they are in need of new windows and roofs, and floor coverings and fresh paint, etc. So a family who could barely afford the mortgage will inherit a home they cannot afford to make liveable for their family. What can be done?

Habitat for Humanity is up and active in our area, and they have done a great job of building a house or two a year. Still, on some level I think it's wasteful to build something brand new when there are so many homes sitting around, and so many families in need.

I desperately desire to buy up these houses, one by one, and renovate them... making them decent, clean, updated homes, that children can be raised in and parents can takes some pride in. Nothing fancy, but homes of good quality, updated in ways that will make them more energy efficient and built to last. I want owners to put down roots in our community- for their sakes, their kids' sakes, and for our community's sake. By fixing the run down properties, everyone's home values will increase, and that is good for the town as a whole. By giving people deeper roots in our community, local businesses and schools will benefit. I want to do this, and then sell the remodelled homes for the amount I paid for them originally, OR LESS.

... and there's the rub. We can't even afford to replace our own less than functional stove (or do a million other needed renovations), let alone buy and renovate homes (at a loss of income) for others. And yet... it would seem that God is telling me that He has given me this nagging passion for a reason. I have no idea what step to take next, but I know I'm going to have to take it. Will you pray with me?

Northwoods Playhouse

2008-06-05T08:53:00.004-04:00

So Ezra and Ki have been wanting a fort (or "deer blind" as Ezra calls it) for some time now. I think Cody, Grandpa, and Uncle Dustin may have spoiled them just a bit! Yup, that's an 8 x 8 foot cabin on stilts... with a deck... and real windows... with screens... There will eventually be a swingset coming off the left side and a sandbox underneath, but for now, the boys are in heaven!

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Feeling Like a Michigan Winter

2008-03-26T20:05:00.002-04:00

Ever feel like you are winter? Let me expound on that thought... We all look forward to spring... we want it to be here, we crave the end of the cabin fever... BUT...

Spring takes yuckiness in order to be successful. In order to have May flowers, we need April showers (or snow). In order to see grass again, we have to have the muddy mess that follows the snow's thaw. Before we see buds on all the trees, we see all the wet, heavy, brown oak leaves matted to the ground (since they waited until snowfall to finally drop, and could not be raked until now).

In my spirit, in my home, in my deepest desires I'm craving spring... newness, freshness, cleanliness, etc. But, the reality is, I don't want to wash all the windows, weed the flower beds, sort through the closests, gut the garage, wash window treatments, start walking, shovel up a winter's worth of dog doo in the yard (yuck!), buy shorts AGAIN, etc. I know that I want to be on the other side of all that, but I don't want to go through it. So... I deem myself a Michigan winter... just not ready to let go and embrace spring... :)

Soon, I promise!!! :)

Experience

2008-03-26T20:05:00.000-04:00

My parents came to town this weekend and my mom and I had a conversation yesterday about money. I just re-read my "pity-party" post and it was almost comical in light of what was said...

We were discussing the various things in our homes that needed to be updated, and time frames for getting them done, etc. and I told her about a decision Cody and I made last June that has impacted our financial choices since. When it comes to money we spend on ourselves (not that there's a lot) we decided it was more important to spend our time and resources on experiences than on things. That our children would be better people for it, our family would be stronger for it, and God might be more glorified by it. Then I decide to do a kitchen and completely forgot about it... seriously...

What do you think about this plan? In looking back at my childhood, my mind doesn't immediately go to the suck tight, ankle zipper, stone-washed, pair of Guess jeans my mom and dad spent my entire Christmas wad on in 6th grade. I remember camping trips, Cedar Point, mission trips to Mexico, volunteering at the Gospel mission, making forts with dad, etc.

Experiences, not things. As a child I wanted "things" and my parents did their best to provide them for me... but that's not what made me who I am. The "things" are not my touchstone when I relive my past... So what if we're intentional about experiences... what then?

Who needs a new kitchen, right?!?

EZRA'S FIVE!!!

2008-02-27T11:48:00.000-05:00

It seems utterly impossible, but my little boy is FIVE YEARS OLD! Seriously, how did that happen?!? When asked about his turning 5 the other day he responded, "yeah, and that's a mystery because my mom is much too young to have a 5 year old!" How can I not adore him?!? :)

My little man is a passionate, expressive, tender, ingenuitive, snuggly, brilliant, creative, goofy little guy who amazes us at every corner. I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom... I promise! Each day brings with it new amazement that God has chosen to bless us with his presence in our lives. When I think back to the 4 1/2 months on bedrest and all the fear of miscarriage, I shutter to think how different our lives would be if things had gone the other way. I thank God for shielding us from that pain, and I praise Him for the wonder that is Ezra!

I'll add b-day pics to this as soon as I have some...

Poor Me!

2008-02-17T00:07:00.003-05:00

Ever throw your own pity party? I like to think I'm not that kind of person, that I have more perspective than that, that I know how well off I am... the truth is, I'm not, I don't, and I rarely ever am.
It sucks to admit that, but it's true.
For instance, this December we had some extra money from various Christmas gifts, and I sarcastically said to Cody, "well, I'd love to spend this, but I know as soon as I do we'll have some crazy need arise and I'll kick myself for not saving it." I say that because it has happened the last 6 or 7 times we've had any extra cash. So, after sitting on it a month, I came up with some plans to fix up our kitchen (something I've wanted to do since we moved in 4 years ago). I added a little of my daycare cash to the mix and all of the sudden- dreams were born. Most of you know how much I love to renovate, so this was really exciting stuff! We were moving beyond painting a room, to things involving countertops and creating a pass through in the wall and adding an additional cabinet for storage and workspace. I spent many weekends trolling the aisles of Home Depot and Lowe's sniffing out good deals and ideal color schemes (not a small feat when you live an hour away from such places), not to mention countless hours surfing the net for coupons and other savings. Everything was in place, it was actually going to happen... and then...
The water went brown. We got it fixed, but it looks like we'll need a new well this summer...
We got our taxes done. A miscalculation for last year (not our fault) and now we owe around $500 by April.
Cody messed up his knee again, surgery may be looming...
Cody's car broke down.
Then the van broke down.

Seriously...
I'm so ready for a pity party, and I'm trying hard not to indulge my inner four year old. I know better. I know it's only money and that my kitchen is fine how it is. I know I need a cheaper hobby! :) I know that God is our ulitmate source for security, not an increasing bank account. I know I can't take any of it with me, and that I should be thankful for a healthy and whole family. I know there are so many in this world (even many of my friends) who are in much more difficult situations, monetarily, relationally, spiritually, etc. I know all this, and yet I sit here and pout... BUT I REALLY WANTED A NEW KITCHEN!!!

Pray for Cody's sanity... he's a saint when I'm a brat! tee! hee!

2008 is Here!

2008-01-10T09:41:00.000-05:00

Hey friends, it's been a while, I know. Welcome 2008! Not much new is happening in our lives at the moment, but we are looking forward to whatever is lurking around the corner this new year.

We have officially started the process of licensure for foster care and/or adoption with the State of Michigan. We're not sure where this will take us, but the prospect of completing our family is intoxicating to me! I'm never good about uncertainty, so there is a large piece of me that wants closure on "who we are" as a family. To know, that from this point forward, we are a family of 5, or 6, or 7. Does that make sense? That once a certain child has outgrown a set of clothing, they can be given away instead of stored. To be able to sell the high chairs and bouncy seats and baby swings, etc. To plan a family vacation and not be concerned about how many to plan for, or whether or not someone will have just joined us and need to be acclimating to our home. More than that, I have this sinking feeling that lives in the pit of my stomach, wondering if my future children are out there somewhere, and if so, what are they dealing with right now? I pray daily that God will guard their hearts and their minds while they live in potentially harmful situations... this only heightens my desire to "bring them home." So, we pray and we wait...

I am reading "Velvet Elvis" right now by Rob Bell. I know, I'm kind of behind the eight ball on that one, but if you are too, I STRONGLY recommend checking it out. It is doing a great job of inspiring me to dig deeper in my thought processes. It's not fiction, so its not usually my style, but it is good and I keep reading.

May your New Year be blessed, and may God stretch you in ways that are surprising and appreciated! Expect Miracles!!!

Happy Halloween...a little late!

2007-11-14T10:34:00.002-05:00

Hey there!
I thought some of you might enjoy seeing the boys dressed up for
Halloween! If you haven't seen the movie, "Monsters Inc." then they
won't make any sense to you! Ezra's "Sully" and Ki is "Mike
Wazowski." They had a LOT of fun!

In His grip,
Amanda

--
"expect miracles!"

Simplicity

2007-11-01T11:00:00.000-04:00

Ever find yourself in a moment, when out of nowhere simplicity strikes? I admit that these moments are becoming fewer and farther between as I age, but on some level that makes them all the more sweet. At Ezra's preschool they have the kids sing the "Johnny Appleseed Prayer" before they eat their snacks. Well, we've been hearing a lot of it at home, and recently, amidst the chaos that is my children playing, that song was stuck in my head. Just at the moment I thought I had lost patience with all the little boy rough-housing around me, I was hit with simplicity... "Oh, the Lord's been good to me, and so I thank the Lord, for giving me the things I need- like the sun and the rain and the appleseed. The Lord's been good to me..." What do I have to complain about?!? God is good, and if I believe that, I trust that, and if I trust that, why stress?

Malaki is TWO!

2007-10-20T12:07:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MALAKI!

Well, today is Ki's 2nd birthday!!! It does not seem possible that he is already 2 years old. My dad took these pictures of the boys when we were in Portage the first week of October. They were not very cooperative, but we got in a few good shots. I have been wanting to post more frequently, but it just hasn't happened lately. One of these days we'll invest in faster internet and maybe then I'll keep up a little better. Life here is good. Not fantastic, not terrible, but good. We're lacking a little drama for the moment, and I am trying to embrace that and enjoy the normalcy. I know times like this are precious, but there is always that side of me that enjoys a bit of drama now and then... :) tee! hee! Since there is so little drama, there is also very litte to write about.

Hunting season has begun, although so far Cody has not been out bow hunting. He has, however, been out getting things ready for gun season. We're seeing deer daily on our property, so we are hoping that's a good sign for hunting.

The boys are Cody's little shadows lately... desperately trying to be just like daddy. They play baseball, basketball, football, or golf almost daily- and want to start the minute dad comes through the door (you may want to take a moment and pray for Cody's sanity!!!).

Ezra started pre-school this fall and is loving it! It is only two afternoons a week, so it's been good for Ki and I as well. Ki usually naps for most of the time Ezra is gone, so he's not feeling to lost without his "best buddy." I'm usually not a huge fan of pre-school (I just don't think there's any need to start school sooner than you have to), but this is an amount that I like. He gets just enough to give him a taste of "school" before kindergarten next year, and not too much that he misses out on being at home this last year.

Ki is as sweet as ever. He is quickly making himself known for clowning around, and he seems to find humor in just about everything. He is obsessed with trains and animals, and has little or no trouble keeping up with his big brother most of the time. He is quickly learning to exert his "maleness" and is climbing, jumping, breaking, throwing, etc. seemingly 24 hours a day! :) He continues to bless our lives in ways we never imagine and we thank God daily for the path that lead us to his adoption!

Saturdays in the Park

2007-07-20T08:33:00.000-04:00

At the park in June...

Sleepy Ramblings

2007-06-18T01:16:00.000-04:00

My Sunday nap is taking it's toll...
Well, much to my dismay I find myself regretting the fabulous nap I had this afternoon. It's rare that I get to enjoy a nap on a Sunday afternoon, but everything aligned itself perfectly today, and it was accomplished with relative ease. The boys both slept for almost 3 hours this afternoon, our regular small group was cancelled in honor of Father's Day, and the teens weren't scheduled to be at our home until 7pm. So, even after cleaning up lunch and all that that entails, there was still time for a snuggle on the couch with my hubby and a lengthy nap. Sounds great right?!? Well, it's now 1:20 am and I am still raring to go. The fam is all sleeping soundly and I cannot shake this nervous energy I've got going for me now. I'm sure I'll regret this when the alarm goes off at 7am, but for now I thought I'd channel my energy into something more productive. I'm not sure blogging was what I originally had in mind, but here goes.

On a completely unrelated note... if you haven't checked out my friend Josh's progress on their church blog, you should... it's really inspirational, and it will keep you from groaning about your own life so much... I know it kicks my butt on a daily basis. Plus, it might inspire you to pray for them, and that would be so appreciated! http://www.greenhouseministries.org/

Not much new here. The adoption waffling continues- we continue to pray about our next move, and are considering working with the state and doing foster care for a while. Major shift, I know, but it's a long story and I'll get around to explaining one of these days. Basically we're doing our best to trust and be open to whatever options are presented until God makes it clear one way or another. Not giving up on the Africa idea, just considering a different route while we wait.

I mentioned that I read "Gone With the Wind" a month or so ago, and this past week I read the follow up novel, "Scarlett." My friend Tari mentioned that I should, and I'm so thankful I did. I found it at a secondhand shop for 50 cents and couldn't resist. Everything I loved about the first book stayed consistent in the second, and everything that left me wanting in the first was resolved in the second. If I were a true literary snob, I would probably hate the second because of all the resolution, knowing that the ending in "Gone With the Wind" is part of what makes it so famous and so compelling. I know that until I read "Scarlett" I could not shake the original and it was driving me mad. I could be driving down the road listening to the radio and a song would strike me in a completely new way, and I'd find myself wondering if the artist had been inspired by Scarlett and Rhett. I know, I'm a complete dork! I can appreciate the quality of such a novel, because I love the various "what ifs" in life, and I dwell in possibilities, but this one was gnawing at me. So much of what went wrong in the novel was simple misunderstandings or timing issues. The truth of their love was never fully recognized and that was driving me insane. The way Rhett knew Scarlett better than she knew herself, and the scene where she finally realizes that Rhett is the haven she's been looking for all along... augh... it just killed me to have all that insight end in nothing. "Scarlett" went there and dealt with what was left undone, and although it was a long and miserable process, I enjoyed the character development and plotline of the second so much more. Maybe its just because I'm Irish and most of the second book is set in Ireland. :) tee! hee! In all actuality I think I'm just a hopeless romantic and I enjoyed my "happily ever after." Cody says it's because I identify with Scarlett at the core of who I am, and I wanted her to find what she needed and wanted in life. (I'm not sure if being like Scarlett is good or bad, but I think there may be some truth in that) Hey, if you've ever read both novels, humor my inner dork and listen to U2's "With or Without You" and Celine Dion's "All Coming Back to Me" with those novels in mind. It's kind of creepy how well they fit. And yes... I actually own a Celine Dion CD... but, I plead the fifth because it randomly came on the radio when I connected it to my latest reading adventures. (I know... I didn't change the station... I already admitted I'm a hopeless romantic, what more do you want?!?)

I'd better get to bed and attempt sleep one more time. Thanks for humoring me and my randomness. Here's hoping your life's timing is full of unexpected twists and happy endings... more importantly that you find yourself in the center of God's will- knowing His timing is perfection, and our stories are never fully recognized if we are not in touch with the Author.

Much love... sweet dreams... e-mail me sometime...

In the Past

2007-05-22T23:34:00.000-04:00

Okay, so these photos are a little old, but they are so cute I could not resist sharing them with whoever is out there reading this. Taken last October, they are a fairly accurate representation of the boys personalities... Ezra hamming it up with a twinkle of mischief in his eyes, Ki plopped comfortably and smiling contently with an overwhelming gentleness about him. I am truly blessed! (just FYI, earlier today I added pictures to a bunch of the previous posts to spice things up a bit... it's nice having access to fast internet once in a while)

Anywho... what's new in our lives?... well, no new news on the adoption front. We're still praying that God will provide a way for us to grow our family without tremendous expense, and we are still believing that we are supposed to be pursuing a sibling group from somewhere in Africa. Those two things seem mutually exclusive, but we know God is bigger than our limited understanding of the possibilities, so we are trusting that He has something planned. We're going to attempt to sell our pop-up camper this Memorial Day weekend to help with the funding, but it probably isn't worth enough to make much of a dent. Our piano may be next...

Ezra and Malaki are becoming fast friends and I am finding myself with more and more free time throughout the day. They do keep me busy, but thankfully they also entertain each other much better than I could, and they truly seem to enjoy each other's company. I look at Cody and his brother, Dustin, and I know I would be happy if Ezra and Ki find even half the friendship that daddy and his brother have. (as an added bonus a few weeks ago I read "Gone with the Wind" from front to back, it's been a while since I've had time for a novel of such epic proportions... now I need to see the movie--- that's right, I've never seen the movie--- pick your jaws up off the floor and keep reading!)

Lately I am struggling with my desire to see great things happening in our community, craving more intimate and diverse friendships, paired with my knowledge that I just really don't want to work at any of it. I don't know if it's apathy, laziness, or just an overwhelming contentment with the way things are right now, but I am at a loss. I miss so many of the friendships that I developed in my college years and its been hard to find that same level of intimacy and committment in the people around me. Not that its not available (it may not be, but I'm not really sure one way or the other), but maybe I'm just not as invested as I once was. I often long for those old friends to start e-mailing or drop in sometime, but time has taken it's toll on those relationships too. There are a few, and for those, I am eternally greatful (you know who you are- tee! hee!) but so many others that for one reason or another were lost along the way. I'm oozing sappy nostagia at the moment aren't I? sorry...

Anyway, I'm not really sure what my point is, just that I'm a bit restless and at the same time, a bit too at ease. Does that make any sense?

I've been focusing on 5 action steps for my life lately, some are easier than others... spend time with God and in the Word daily, volunteer for something or someone at least once a month, reach out and build relationships that draw others to the Lord, do the next "right thing" (whatever it is that you know God is leading you to do, little or big), and... yeah, I can't remember the 5th... oops! It's based on something I read on a church's website, and they got it from a book. I just liked having more clarity and direction in attempting to motivate myself to act in new ways with my faith.

Oh yeah, the 5th... the one that started the trip down memory lane... "find a friend you can invest yourself in with all that you are, someone who you know will do the same in return." That's the kicker one for me. I tend to have a lot of one sided friendships, all about me, or all about them, very rarely are they mutually beneficial. I am prayerful that God has people in my path who will fit that bill, I just have to step out in faith a little more. I already have some of those, and for you I am appreciative. :)

Okay, I just re-read the above and I fear I am rambling out of control. I'll stop now, but if you are one of those friends whose been around for the long haul... thank you! You continue to bless me, even in memory.

much love... Amanda, Lucy, Manders, Man, Fred C. Foley, Beautiful, Betty, Scrub, Zulu Warrior Princess, Springhead, or whatever other nickname we may have had for me over the years (TNT, I'm not listing the one you call me, but I didn't forget it... :) tee! hee!)

EZRA-ISMS

2007-04-04T19:44:00.000-04:00

EZRA-ISMS...

So, I thought you all might enjoy hearing the amazing words of wisdom that pour from my son's mouth seemingly everyday. Here are a few of my most recent favorites:

1/23- Ezra asked me to marry him so I could sleep in his bed with him at night. I told him I was already married to his daddy and he said, "Hmm... mommy? Do you know who my wife will be?" I told him I didn't, and that I probably wouldn't until he introduced her to me. He replied, "Oh, that's easy, her name's Trinney." :) We don't know any Trinneys, so if he brings one home with him some day I may just have a heart attack!

2/13- We were sitting around the dinner table when Ezra said, "Dad, you are too big. Ki, you are too small. Mom, you are too medium... but I am JUST RIGHT!" I think we've read Goldilocks one too many times. :)

2/16- Cody was gone for the weekend on a winter retreat and I was tucking Ezra into bed when this one occurred. I told him that since daddy was gone for the weekend he was now the man of the house. He replied, "No I'm not, look!" and he thrust his arm up in my face. When I asked him what I was supposed to be looking at he said, "There's no fur on my arm yet, I'm still a boy." :)

3/28- This one is very "Easter Appropriate." We were working our way through one of his educational sticker books the other day and he was matching letter stickers to the letter shapes on the page. For each letter I would ask him if he knew what letter he was working on. He knew them all until the letter "t." I said, "What letter is that?" Ezra replied, "That's the letter 'cross.'" I said, "Well, it looks like a cross, but it's actually the letter 't.'" To which Ezra innocently replied, "Jesus died on a 't?'" :)

Happy Easter!

Ezra is FOUR!

2007-02-27T11:26:00.000-05:00

EZRA'S BIRTHDAY!
Hello friends! Today my eldest little man turns 4 YEARS OLD! Yikes! One more birthday and he's off to kindergarten. Although there are times when that seems like it can't get here soon enough, most often I am struck by how quickly he's changing. This morning I was going through his baby book, looking for things that needed to be added or updated, and I was a little bewildered to realize that the only item left in his book is recording his height and weight for this b-day and the next. How did he grow that quickly!?!?!
On the upside, I am thankful to have a little man who still desires to snuggle his parents, says he loves me without prompting, and believes that Jesus lives in his heart and protects him when he's scared. These are things I have always wanted for him, and I am glad to know these prayers are being answered. He is turning into a wonderful person, and although he has his moments, most of the time I feel as though I am bursting at the seams with pride. Ezra is smart, articulate, creative, energetic, passionate, and trusting... I could go on and on... but above all else, he is starting to have an understanding of God and why He's so important to even a little one's life.
Today I celebrate Ezra!

PRAY FOR JOSH

2007-01-23T16:40:00.002-05:00

PRAYER NEEDED:

Hey all, I'm posting today to request prayer for my good friend Josh Buck. Some of you may remember Josh from my dating days in college (he was from IWU), some of you were asked to pray a year and a half ago when Josh's 3 month old daughter, Ava, died in a freak accident, and some of you have no clue who he is... however, after 3 months of dating long distance and 9 years of friendship, I count him one of my most cherished friends.

Josh was seriously injured in a diving accident last Thursday while vacationing in Mexico with his wife Shelly. He shattered his C5 vertebrae and is currently paralyzed from the chest down and recovering at a hospital in Miami, FL. We are spreading the word to all we know, and asking that people pray for complete healing. Doctors are giving his legs a 5% chance of recovery, but we know our God is bigger than their stats. If you would, please send a prayer or two, or twenty, Josh and Shelly's way today and everytime you think of it until he is home. Pray also for their children back home, Noah (4) and Zoe (3) and for their little boy still growing in Shelly's tummy (Ephram). For more information, or to follow his progress, check out his church's website... www.greenhouseministries.org

New Adventures

2007-01-02T11:54:00.001-05:00

Embarking on a new adventure... maybe...

One week from today we will have our first meeting with an adoption counselor to start discussing the idea of adding more children to our family. :) We are trying to be prayerful about this whole process, and right now we are feeling led to at least gather more information. Most of you know, we would like to eventually have 4 kids (I'd like 5) but we are trying to be wise about it all. We know we do not have much money, we know our home will be a tight fit once our children are older, we also know that we do not feel as though our family is complete, and that this phase of life looks best on paper for continuing this process. We have always planned to start this process again once Ezra and Ki were school age. Our hope was that we might be able to adopt a sibling group under the age of 5. That time frame would allow me to really invest in Ezra and Ki for the time being, as well as invest in our new little ones with a little more intensity while their big brothers are in school all day. We are not looking to adopt another infant unless God makes it clear we should. There are so many waiting children in this country and once they get past 6 months old, their options for loving families drop drastically. Everyone wants a baby... and we are nothing if not opposite of most. :) So why now?!?...
Well, Cody's job is very flexible at this time. He has stockpiled 51 days for personal leave time and can use that for "paternity" leave when we add children to our family. His job as an associate pastor is best accomplished in his office, but he can get a fair amount done from home if he needs to. His current employer is very generous about time off, and just trusts that Cody will get everything done and done well. All of this is a luxury we may not have elsewhere... not that we are planning on heading "elsewhere," but you just never know in ministry. So we see this little window of opportunity for integrating new little ones into our family with daddy around more often than not to help aid the process. Plus, there is some concern that waiting longer will mean a more difficult adjustment for Ezra and Ki, and the change that will cause within our family structure. More than anything though... we are just anxious to know our future children. We are craving our future family... if we were doing this biologically, we'd be trying to get pregnant right now! That's where the prayer comes in, because we don't want to be impulsive about this just because we're impatient, we want to know we are in God's will.

Anyway, we would still like to pursue older children if possible, and that's what this info meeting should clarify for us. Usually there is a strongly encouraged policy to maintain a birth order within families... that each child entering the house should be the youngest in the home. We are hoping to work around that a bit if possible. We definitely want to go younger than Ezra (our little "boss of everything" probably wouldn't handle being bumped by a big brother all that well!), but we are not picky about how kids fall around Ki. We figure he'll have to adjust no matter what we do and he's a little too young to really care. Plus, he's ridiculously mellow about most things in life, so he'd probably go with the flow anyway. He'll either have more older siblings, or he'll no longer be the baby. Either way he shifts, so we're hoping that may make the process more flexible. We are also hoping for a sibling group that's non-caucasion. These are some of the hardest children to place, and that is where our hearts are. So, maybe 2 between Ezra and Ki, maybe one between and one below Ki, who knows. It may not even be possible. That's what we're hoping to find out next Tuesday. So, if you think of it, keep us in your prayers. We know God's got it all worked out, we're just anxious to see His plan revealed. :)

So, let the adventure begin!

Ode to Code

2006-12-14T09:56:00.001-05:00

ODE TO CODE

Today I celebrate my hubby! Cody is now officially 28 years old! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY! It's crazy how time flies... we've been "dating" for over 9 years now, and married for 7 (as of next Monday). Seems like we've always been together, I can hardly remember the times before he was in my life, some I'd rather forget! :) Still, it's crazy to remember the day we met, and think of how I told my roommates that night that I thought I was going to marry him... we didn't even talk to each other... talk about love at first sight (maybe it was more of an obsession)! I just remember feeling something completely new and exciting when I was with him, and wanting to hang on to that feeling for as long as humanly possible. Amazingly enough, that sensation has only increased with time. My husband is funny, caring, servant-hearted, loyal, committed, strong, creative, and a man after God's own heart. I love and respect him more than anyone I have ever met, so today I celebrate Cody!

LOVIN' Christmas!

2006-11-28T12:19:00.002-05:00

I LOVE CHRISTMAS! More to the point, I LOVE CHRISTMAS WITH CHILDREN!
Very few people understand my completely unhealthy obsession with Christmas better than Ezra. (Ha Ha, "better than Ezra"... someone should name a band that!) Ezra is enchanted by everything this season has to offer. The story of Christ's birth, the snow, the lights, the tree, the music, the food, wrapping and giving presents, etc. I could not be more pleased to have my little "partner in crime." Poor Cody looks like a true grinch by comparison. :) Ki is a little young to read just yet, although he is thoroughly mesmerized by the Christmas tree at grandma Gascho's house and dances anytime we play the Christmas CD's (granted he dances to music of any kind). Ezra even seems to grasp my overwhelming need to squish the life out of anyone who crosses my path. My poor children are being hugged incessantly simply because I am overflowing with joy this time of year. Ezra has begun preemptively hugging me whenever I am within arms reach. How fun! We will hopefully be decorating the house this weekend and with that it will feel as though the holidays have truly begun. I pulled out all of the Christmas stories for the kids and after 5 or 6 hours of reading them over and over it seems the boys know them by heart. In fact, this morning I caught Ezra "reading" one of them to Ki. Too precious!

Hope you are experiencing the giddiness the holidays afford and are not allowing the pressures of the season to put a damper on your celebration. Afterall, this is a celebration of the only person capable of loving us with perfection, and saving us from ourselves. No stress, only pure child-like JOY!

MALAKI'S FIRST BIRTHDAY!

2006-11-04T22:10:00.001-05:00

Ki is now one year old!
It seems like only yesterday we recieved the phone call saying that Michelle was in labor. That morning was such an intense blur of emotion, so much hope in what our family was about to become, so much fear for what it might not. In the end, so much trust in our God to see us through whatever was on it's way. Ki was so beautiful, our time with him in the hospital- so treasured, the entrustment ceremony- so intense. The whole thing was exhausting and exhilarating all at once. I cannot begin to explain the degree to which I wish such an experience for everyone I love. Adoption is a precious journey and has helped me understand the degree to which our heavenly Father loves us... the Bible speaks of how God adopts each of us, making us joint heirs with Christ. Having a biological child, and now an adopted child, I more fully understand the level of equality with Christ that we have been afforded in God's eyes. It is so completely humbling and terrifyingly undeserved. So many people speak of adoption and say things like, "how lucky your little one is to have parents like you..." No one says those things when you give birth to a baby. It's so frustrating. Just like it was with Ezra, we are the lucky ones to have been blessed with Ki. He has enriched us in ways we didn't even know we were lacking. Today I celebrate Ki.

My Two Sons

2006-10-04T15:32:00.001-04:00

Thought I'd add some pics of my children if I can figure out how to do it. I'm an such a computer moron. :) Enjoy!

Wanting Answers

2006-09-27T19:10:00.001-04:00

Wanting answers:
Ever feel like you're going to pop a vein if you pray any harder? It seems like this is my daily experience for the last few years. Desperately seeking answers and direction for life, never feeling as though I'm being answered. The reality is, if I take a few steps back, I see God's hand in everything I do, and hopefully, in more and more of who I am. If that's not some sort of answer, I'm not sure what is. Still, everyonce in a while I'd like God to send me an e-mail, write something in the sky, etc. Why is it that we seek concrete answers from a God who is able to do "infinitely more than we could ever ask or imagine?" If His answers are defined by his method of response, are we attempting to limit Him?